So this guy, raised in the US, was forced to marry his cousin from back home when he was just a minor. The way his dad and his wife trapped him into this marriage made him hate his wife even more. The girl knew all along how much he disliked her and her family due to their cruel behavior towards his mom (in-laws issues), but kept on living in her delusional world that once marriage happens everything would go smoothly. Six year down the road, the guy finally wants to stand up for himself. There is no compatibility whatsoever… no physical relationship between them.
He wants to divorce her and be done with this chapter once and for all. The problem is his father is creating a huge fuss over it and threatening to disown him.. emotional blackmailing " tum humhain humhari behan ki Qabar se dour karna chatay hou.. tum se har taluq khatam karlein gain etc" The thing is he takes care of his parents and most of his married siblings financially and does not want to leave his parents alone at this age. His family and especially mom already went through a lot in past because of other siblings’ marital issues ( all were forced marriages so no wonder) so he does not want to cause any more drama. The wife got his fathers support and is fully aware that he cannot continue living like this anymore but still being stubborn and does not want to leave him. The guy decided that he will send the wife along with the family back home in an attempt to never see her again but still be in touch and responsible of them financially. Is he committing a sin by denying all the rights to the wife or the blame goes to his wife and father for being unreasonable here?
God my blood boils when I hear parents taking unfair advantage of their kids like that.
PS- I’ll be forwarding the thread to him.
Thanks
Re: Forced Marriage
I guess, (I am sure) his father and wife are being totally unreasonable to him. Every individual has full right to live his life the way he wants to and especially when its about choosing a life partner, its his FULL RIGHT to choose whoever he wants to.
Is there not anyone in the family who can make his father understand about his son's situation? What do you mean about disowning him? Did he say, wo say Aaq kerdengy? Thats too much! One should really not do such a thing with anyone and especially when "anyone" is your own son!!
Khuda inhe samjhaye!!
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there is nothing to aaq him from lol.. in fact like I said he is the bread winner . His father is the man of his words.. one of his other siblings is also not allowed to see the family anymore .. so he does not want to bring anymore distress to his mom.
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Emotional blackmail---this is all it is. He wants to stand up he should stand up. If his parents are rambling about dis-owning well, naturally you cannot dis-own your child. All this drama will fade away once he is done with the girl. Wish him well.
Short Story:
This is exactly happened with my cousin too. He was "forced" into marrying his cousin but after 2 years of marriage he gave ultimatum to his parents who were emotionally blackmailing him and told them that he is done with this relationship and cannot carry on living with his life like this. And that he is being fair with himself and her too. Consequently, he sought help from religious scholar and involved his parents and her parents. This was his way out of this.
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Similar situation with an Afghani friend of mine. Parents married him to his cousin back home and brought her here. He is a Medical doctor, got a job offer in Germany and told his parents as well as his "wife" that he's gonna go there without her. This was several years ago. Guy has moved back to Austria in the meantime, but to this date his wife still lives with his parents while he lives in his own place.
He should divorce his wife .....
And should ask his mom to take qhula from his dad....
His dad is not a man who can be loved as family member...
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Maybe its an empty threat that he will disown him etc.
You say that he is the main bread winner and provider for the house hold, how does his dad expect to cope without him if thats the case? if it is just an empty threat then the man needs to do what he needs to do and get out of a relationship thats tying him down.
I personally feel no matter what the wifes done in the past he shouldnt just leave her at his parents and move to a different place and never speak to her, he should divorce her or do whatever religious thing it is that needs doing and give that girl some closure so she's either able to get on with her life and he with his.
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I would say that the father is being unreasonable but the son is being unreasonable too. Sure he has a right to live his own life and stand up for himself but he should have exercised those rights six years ago when he was being blackmailed to marry. If he did not take a stand at that time, how can he abandon the woman who inspite of hi neglecting behavior has spent six years with her? What is her fault that she is being punished for? I dont know what the solution is for this problem, but I think it is unfair on the husband's part to divorce her or send her back to her family after all this. He needs to consider this, seriously I mean if he din't take stand back at the time of his wedding why now?
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so he should make everyone suffer and suffer too?
just because she was with him for 6 years doesnt mean they were happy!!!!
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I know they were not happy. But that doesn't mean he has to ditch her after keeping her for six years! Imagine the turmoil she will have to go through when she returns back to her family divorced after six years of marriage! Our culture and society are not easy upon a divorced woman whether she is at fault or not. Six years of marriage means she is at least 30+ years old. At this age ladies even who are single have a hard time finding a good rishta. Imagine the plight of the poor lady and her parents who will have a divorced daughter at the age of 30+! That woman has given him the best part of her age of her youth no matter how he treated her, yet he wants to throw her away like a piece of useless trash?
In my opinion the most advisable thing to be done could be that the husband sits down and discusses with the wife his situation, and asks for permission to re-marry. The wife already knows he doesn't like her, she is already not getting most of her rights from him, and still she wants to live with him, she would most probably prefer to living with a second wife than getting divorced and returning back to her parents. However, we strangers, as a third person cannot really determine what the wife wants and what the husband should do. He needs to talk to her about it and find out what she wants, divorce or not. And then determine his course of action from there. If she agrees to let him marry, he can go ahead and marry another woman of his choice while supporting his first wife financially. His parents would probably still make a fuss about it but since he is already up for taking a stand for himself he can do it in a way which does not cause harm to the other party.
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^^
You are making a lot of assumptions here. God willing the girl might be able to get a chance at a second relationship. She might be more happy without him than being with him. It is these assumptions that is forcing the girl to stay with him. I dont think she would have a chance of happiness with the guy getting married again.
It is time the guy stood up for himself and decided what is right for him. I agree things would be difficult in the short term but would be better in the long term. 20 years down the lane this struggle might make it worthwhile. When you grow older you really need a person to whom you are emotionally attached to and not just another person to be living with you.
I agree that this girl should be financially compensated so that she can find work for herself and live independently.
Here I remember one incident that happened to a good friend of mine. She got married to a guy from US. She was blissfully unaware that the guy did not like her. After she reached US, she realized that the guy was forced to marry her by his parents. We all had asked her to come back. She was afraid of what the repercussions would be once she came back. After some 5 years of marriage(2 kids) she was thrown out of the house with just 10 dollars in her hand. She had to literally beg from her friends in US to come back.
Another question I would have..What would the guy do if the dad died suddenly. The first thing that he would do after the funeral would be to throw her out. I think it is better if the guy would resolve this now rather than later.
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Considering the scenerio i just wonder why cant his wife take a stand for herself? whats the point of living with such kinda guy who gives her no importance in his life? its so insulting and humiliating! wasting 6 years of her life..call it a family pressure or whatever but we aint living in stone age! Either work it out with her hubby or leave him :/ find someone better.
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The girl is only 22 years old ( both were minor at the time of marriage). I should have mentioned that the guy was emotionally attached to some other girl in the US and had them both ( gf and current wife) talk to each other before. That girl still insisted on marrying him. I mean come on who does that, if someone calls and tells me hey yo its my gf so please back off ... would I still go pursue the guy?? :S 6 years ago when the guy was going through some difficult time, he just wanted to have a break from his life in the USA and spend holidays in Pak. His wife family and his father took full advantage of the golden opportunity. The day he got there, his phopho, father, and girl were preparing to get them nikhafied. The guy believes that since he did not give his consent willingly to the marriage, the girl is still haram on him. I seriously dont have any sympathy for the girl here.. she is majorly responsible for dragging three lives in this mess. Ive seen the girl. Shes m'A really pretty but cant hold a conversation for even 5 mins.. she does not know English, cant speak punjabi.. cant converse in urdu.. IDK what language this woman speakss... :/ The girl is so uneducated and lied about how good she was doing in school so his father was like so why dont u get into medicine when you come here :S ... I think she just wanted someone who can bear her expenses for the rest of her life. Although, the guy does not fulfill other responsibilities towards her, he gives her weekly allowances and even gifted a laptop to her to talk to her family back home.
I doubt if she wont be able to remarry. One of her cousins was head over heels for her and still is single, I think she just rejected him because he was not financially stable or maybe she wanted someone form the US .. who knows. btw, if that makes any difference, they are living together for only two years.
As for disowning, I totally agree since he is the sole bread winner and even provides for his married brother's wife and 3 kids, how else they can survive without his support. All of them got married within khandan so his father is raising a concern that others might follow suit and divorce his sisters too :/
btw if he wanted to be inhumane and did not care about his family, he would have thrown her out a long time ago. I do not knwo why it took him so long to stand up for himself.. may be the fact that he is so young
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thanks guys.. I'll pass the comments to him : ]
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I know they were not happy. But that doesn't mean he has to ditch her after keeping her for six years! Imagine the turmoil she will have to go through when she returns back to her family divorced after six years of marriage! Our culture and society are not easy upon a divorced woman whether she is at fault or not. Six years of marriage means she is at least 30+ years old. At this age ladies even who are single have a hard time finding a good rishta. Imagine the plight of the poor lady and her parents who will have a divorced daughter at the age of 30+! That woman has given him the best part of her age of her youth no matter how he treated her, yet he wants to throw her away like a piece of useless trash? In my opinion the most advisable thing to be done could be that the husband sits down and discusses with the wife his situation, and asks for permission to re-marry. The wife already knows he doesn't like her, she is already not getting most of her rights from him, and still she wants to live with him, she would most probably prefer to living with a second wife than getting divorced and returning back to her parents. However, we strangers, as a third person cannot really determine what the wife wants and what the husband should do. He needs to talk to her about it and find out what she wants, divorce or not. And then determine his course of action from there. If she agrees to let him marry, he can go ahead and marry another woman of his choice while supporting his first wife financially. His parents would probably still make a fuss about it but since he is already up for taking a stand for himself he can do it in a way which does not cause harm to the other party.
The wife knew about his feelings well before the marriage.. if someone is crazy about me and does not consider divorce as an option.. whats binding me to continue living life like this.. Even if he does remarry and does not divorce this wife, how will it be any different than ditching her ? He wont be living with her either way. Why would the second wife be willing to tolerate the first one if the husband does not want to keep any kind of relationship with the first one?
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Hats off to the guy for lasting 6 years. I seriously can never get my head around parents that KNOW full well their child doesn't want to marry a certain person yet force their own flesh and blood to live a lie! The fact it seems the guy made it clear to this girl from well day one makes me wonder why a girl would put herself through living with a guy who clearly has no emotional attachment with her. Is she trying to punish him for something?!
I'm aware of a family here in the UK that took their son back home to arrange his marriage to a certain girl. She was the daughter of the guys dads best friend. They had arrranged for the guy to go see the girls in Pak. When he got there he chose one of the sisters, the younger one. His father said 'no problem'. The guy was impressed. Then at the time of the Nikkah (just before the Barat) the girls name was mentioned and it was THAT of the older sister-not the one the guy had chosen. The guy was given the usual threats and went ahead with the Nikkah. He father went on about how his friend was a good guy, and had always protected his 'interests' in regards to land and business ventures in Pakistan and the joining of the two families was inevitable. When the guy said he wanted to marry the other sister his Father told him it was not acceptable to do THAT.
He told the girl on the first night that he didn't want to marry her, or ever have relations with her. She told him she wasn't bothered she just wanted to go to England. He brought the girl over and within months of her being in the UK she called the police and reported him for domestic violence.
He was innocent, and proven to be so and didn't lose his job (she said she would destroy him for destroying her relationship with her sister). When the girls 'husband' was released without charges she was in shock; threatened to take an overdose because her husband wouldn't treat her like a wife. He had enough and blurted out infront of all the family preshas ent that his twisted Father has screwed him over and he had told the girl on the first night what the situ was and she had pleaded for him to just bring her to the UK and she would find her own way in life.
Needless to say some of his family had figured out things were not exactly right for a newlywed couple and the girl left the guys home and went to a womans refuge. Things turned nasty between the guy and his Father, however his other family understood the dilemma the guy was in. He wasn't interested in another girl here in the UK, but he had chosen a girl in Pak-his how SIL. He simply thought he would return to the UK apply for her visa and should would well disappear.
I have heart felt sympathy OP for the guy in your post I really do. I hope he isn't too damaged from all this crap going on.
I agree with the posters that say if a guy lands in a similar situation he should divorce and move on. Sometimes the girls in the situations are not aware of the background of the guy they are marrying or the fact they are being forced into the marriage so letting them live a life that is a lie doesn't seem fair.
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^Thanks for your input... She has zero education and is from an underprivileged family background.. so naturally she does not want to go back. Just talked to the guy.. now hes reluctant on divorcing her.. reason being.. " wo bechari cant do anything on her own..let alone getting a job and becoming independent after divorce" .. besides US divorce law is messed up.. His father and the girl would definitely sue him for hefty alimony payment for the rest of girl's life.
Mods- Can you please lock the thread, thanks.