I have a friend who’s dating this wonderful guy for the last 3-4 years and although his family is fully aware of her she wants to now tell her parents. The thing she is concerned about is the fact that his family is a little..odd. Basically, his parents are wonderful but they don’t get along. They dont fight but they just are overtly-formal. Then there is the rumor of his dad having had an affair with the guy’s tai (as in the dad had an affair with his SIL, the wife of his older brother and that her youngest son may actually be his and not her husbands. ). Then there is the fact that the guy doesn’t know a single person from his dad’s side except this tai and his taya. He has no relationship with anyone on his dad’s side.
The guy is very close to his mom’s side of the family and these people are wonderful but there is the odd khala here and there who has done something very selfish. One of his khalas moved into one of their properties and refuses to move out. Basically stole it from them.
All of these oddities are making my friend worried because her parents are kinda’ skeptics of marriages outside the family (she is currently engaged to her khala’s son but has already spoken to her parents about breaking it off and they are easy-going enough that they will break it off if the reason is legit) so she is worried all this odd behavior from his family is going to freak out her already paranoid-parents. I assured her that since his family is great (the guy is educated, well-off, has wonderful parents and a married brother) there shouldn’t be a problem but she is worried that her parents will want to meet someone from his dad’s side and because there are not on speaking-terms, her parents will take those as red flags.
What would you guys do in this situation? For those that got married outside the family or chose your own partners, how much inquiring did your parents do? How many family members did they insist on meeting?
Re: For those that married outside the family, were your parents ultra-protective...
though I want to joke around and say to tell them to move quickly and make things official, this is probably the WORST idea ever because a family tried doing that with us recently and it sent of HUGE alarms in my dad's head and the rishta ended.
The evil khala story is the same as mine. I think a lot of people have issues like that (judging from my post on gs) so I wouldn't be worried about that. The allegation about the affair is a SERIOUS one though, as it could be an indication for people about his family's "loose character" (not saying that this is true or anything but it's how it'll probably be perceived). At the same time, if the guy's family seems legit, most people will forget about the door ke rishtaydaar. It also depends on where this rishta is taking place. I think people in Pakistan seem to be a LOT more concerned with khandaan than people in the States...and if it's a love marriage than most people here will be okay with the marriage as long as there's no HUGE flaw or something.
Re: For those that married outside the family, were your parents ultra-protective...
^she was "engaged", not official with a ring or anything but a baat pakki and it was done when she was 13 without her permission. She was against it from day one so her parents always had a feeling it going to break off eventually even though they still try to convince her on it.
@soconfused: yes, she's worried about her family thinking his family has "loose character" although his mom is very sweet and religious and loves her, they talk often etc. And this family is not in Pakistan but not in the same country as the girl either; they're in a long-distance relationship so her parents her less likely to meet his family in Pakistan anyway.
Well let the girl tell her family. If any problems arise about the guys family then tell the girl to tell her family to just meet the guys family and see for themselves what they're like because well every single family has a fault in them. No ones perfect! there's not much that can be done really other than just to start the rishta process already and deal with the problems as they come?
Re: For those that married outside the family, were your parents ultra-protective...
Well let the girl tell her family. If any problems arise about the guys family then tell the girl to tell her family to just meet the guys family and see for themselves what they're like because well every single family has a fault in them. No ones perfect! there's not much that can be done really other than just to start the rishta process already and deal with the problems as they come?
^she was "engaged", not official with a ring or anything but a baat pakki and it was done when she was 13 without her permission. She was against it from day one so her parents always had a feeling it going to break off eventually even though they still try to convince her on it.
@soconfused : yes, she's worried about her family thinking his family has "loose character" although his mom is very sweet and religious and loves her, they talk often etc. And this family is not in Pakistan but not in the same country as the girl either; they're in a long-distance relationship so her parents her less likely to meet his family in Pakistan anyway.
hmmm...well the thing is that they'll either be fine with it or create a fuss and there's no way to know until she talks to her parents. If the boy's family is sharif and doesn't give any indication or mannerisms that would indicate they're loose charactered, then they might be okay with it. The only problem I see is that if this girl's fiance's family is squeaky clean then there's always the whole "why are you turning down a good thing for this other boy with the bad family". But if the girl's ADAMANT that this is the guy for her, then it can be done if her parents are rational. People create horrible rumors and, sadly, I've heard a lot of familys have this "illegitimate" child drama/rumors so maybe the parents will disregard it since it doens't have anything to do with the BOY and HIS character.
Re: For those that married outside the family, were your parents ultra-protective...
Btw, doesn't anyone find it odd that this family is not in contact with the dad's family? He doesn't know his phupo's, chachus or tayas. He doesnt even know his cousins from his dad's side. They all live in Pakistan so even when his family visits Pakistan, they never see the dad's family and only visit or stay with the mom's side.
Maybe it's because I and she were both raised with a close-knit family so we find it odd...
Re: For those that married outside the family, were your parents ultra-protective…
Okay, yes, I totally did find that odd but I forgot to mention it. I got recently burned so I think I’m more paranoid than most at the moment but that is really weird. I have crazy LEGIT family drama and even though we’re not in contact with 95% of my family back home, I still KNOW them all. Does he know nothing about them? I find THAT shady. The same guy I got burned from had come to the States 15 years ago (he was 15 at the time so not chunna kaka when he left Pak) and when my parents would ask him questions about pakistan (what town their fam was from, info about his relatives) he would just say “I don’t know”…weird, considering I was raised in America and I don’t go back to Pak very frequently but I can answer basic questions about my family. So my family said no because they weren’t giving us info about the family which was a MAJOR MAJOR red flag.
If the girl’s family questions about his family and he can’t adequately convince them that the reason he doesn’t know that much about them is because of drama (drama that won’t reflect poorly on his own immediate family’s character), then it should be fine. But I seriously think that IF he does anything to make the parent’s suspicious about why they’re not talking then it’s going to be hard. My parents are kinda crazy and overly paranoid but the dumb guy’s inability to discuss anything about his family in Pak made my parents think taht something shady was going on with them that they didn’t want us to know about.
The whole thing, sadly, sounds like it’s going to rest on the boy’s family. They need to prove they’re trustworthy, honest–they have to be forthcoming and get the girl’s parents to understand/realize that the rumors are just rumors. It’s the case for any rishta situatoin but it’s complicated by the fact that there seems to be a “safe” option in the form of the fiance so the parents aren’t going to be “pressured” into blindly saying yes.
Re: For those that married outside the family, were your parents ultra-protective...
A lot of families have issues. I think it's best not to inquire too much if there isn't a real reason. As long as SHE isn't weirded out, I think she should let her parents ask questions and just give whatever answers she has. There's no need to get defensive about them and try to make excuses. They are who they are. SHE needs to accept them before her parents will.
). Then there is the fact that the guy doesn’t know a single person from his dad’s side except this tai and his taya. He has no relationship with anyone on his dad’s side.
