Re: For those of you who have lost a parent…
You guys are absolutely right about the point of feeding people who don’t necessarily need to be fed. Actually the way it works is that our masjid hosts an Iftar and khana every night, so you join in with other sponsors for the salay sawab of the marhumeen of those famillies, fateha and dua, and a lecture are read. That is the whole purpose of doing this all in the first place, it’s not about the money nor about the food. The more fateha the more sawab for our loved ones. This tradition most likely wont finish because it is extremely important to my FIL and he is an active member of the masjid and being involved in these kinds of things is also important to us. Aside from this event we do donate every Ramadan in my MILs name as well, this year it is for a food drive that is being shipped to 70 countries. But the reason this Iftar is also held in addition to that is because my MIL passed away specifically in Ramadan so on that date is when we also sponsor the Iftar in her memory for that night going off the Islamic date. Even though I agree with you guys about feeding the ungrateful, it is also our way of doing our part in our masjid and it is how we have been meeting new people and getting to know new families that we can build our own relationships with, by being involved. A portion is paid for the food which we give to the caterers specifically and a portion goes to the masjid. I was really upset by those comments made but when I read your guys’ post and talked to my mom I realized that there will always be somebody that you can not please. Their comments are also political not personal as they support a different masjid and they are very very biased towards the other mosque which is still developing. Their words did hurt because they seemed to have come for only one reason but it’s pretty pathetic on the parts of those personalities who came, were fed, prayed here and then left with nothing but negative thoughts. IMO defeats the purpose of their entire days rosa. The ONLY reason it hurt is because my husband considers these guys like his brothers. He doesn’t care that they have an issue with the mosque, but the fact that the event wasn’t about the way they were being served food, it was for his mother who was a major aspect in those guys’ life as well. He expected more. Maybe we were a bit sensitive about the issue but I guess because we didn’t expect it from our friends. It just shows their class.
Someone asked about the relationships with them, yes they are all friends, stay in touch, we see them many times a month at events etc when we attend their masjid etc. it’s not like it is a distant relationship.
Someone also asked what I am expecting from them and why I need it. Honestly it’s really hard being in a community that expects a lot from you. If I don’t go places people call me out on it, in order for us to maintain the relationships my husbands family has had, I have to associate with these people. The Iftar and masjid, religious events is how we do that in our community. If we don’t go places or to the masjid my FIL thinks we are trying to cut ourselves off and ruining his relationships by not being present and there when everyone else is. So we make efforts to go, for him these are all the people he has, it’s not difficult for us to integrate with new people but it is for him. We try to meet new people in addition to maintaining past relationships because my husband says that a lot changed when his mom died. Like someone mentioned, people stopped coming over, Eid, dawats etc all finished. The life he had known with these people and the way he knew them when his mother was alive is very different now. I guess it’s the emotional and moral support, knowing that we do still have people that care for us but it doesn’t feel that way. We make every effort to stay connected with their friends, every invitation and event, we are there, helping and present. I guess it’s just knowing that someone is also there for us. But you guys are right maybe I don’t have a right to expect that because these are not my personal relationships. I didn’t think of it like that. I guess because my husband expects it since he has known them, been raised by them, that I did too from that standard.
Basically it’s moral support because we have no other family here, just knowing that we are not alone but that’s not reality and I guess that’s our fault from having any kind of expectation. There were people who came to me though, other friends of my mil and told me that they appreciated being invited and telling me how they look forward to this every year because it keeps my MILs legacy alive and they felt nice that I remembered them even though I do not necessarily know them. Many people did come and most people kept telling my husband and I that his mother would of been proud but I guess it didnt come from the people we expected were most close to us… just needed a bit of pick me up when things werent going smoothly so I thought that would come from people who actually know me better. Its not like they dont know me.
by reading your post, i am just getting the feel that you are from Bohra community. if yes, then can you take an alternative route and instead of hosting iftar at the masjid you guys go to,host it at your other masjids which are into less affluent areas and where the more deserving folks from your community go. i have few good friends who belong to this community, 2 of them are very closed friends of mine and i got to know by them that whenever they need to do some act with the neeyat of sawab, they host dinners etc at masajids that are located in lower income areas and where residents of those areas go as they say that it is more of a good dded to feed them instead of feeding people who are well-off. just a suggestion.