How drastically did your life change? After you experienced a death of an immediate parent? Were people the same after your mother/fathers passing? How hard on you was it and what helped you cope?
This month is the 5th passing anniversary date for my MIL. It has been particularly hard on my husband because he is an only child. Doesn’t even have cousins or relatives around. Every year we host an Iftar in her memory at our masjid and every year the event seems to remind us about how hard life is with out the support of a family. My FIL is older so its not expected from him but my husband and I do everything ourselves. Let me tell you, feeding 350 people isn’t easy. Anyways it always seems that something goes wrong every year whether we have the Iftar at the house or the masjid we never feel like we are good hosts. Maybe it’s because we are stressed but food seemed to run a little short this year so we were really embarrassed. We don’t have a lot of experience with managing large paki events so we felt really embarrassed, I think more than anticipated people came. It was stressful balancing the food to make sure everyone got something but in the end everyone “seemed” happy. That gave me solace that these things happen and I’m trying to remind ourselves to not be to hard on ourselves about it. My husband opened his fb and a close family friend had made a status showing his discontent at the way the masjid people were serving the food. A few of his best friends all put silly comments as well backing up how they feel about this particular masjids management. These are family friends that never attend this mosque but another one with an exception to this date because their parents were close to my MIL. Anyway that comment hurt. A lot. Coming from people your supposed to be close to who instead of coming in support of my husband seem to have come more for the food. We already felt like we failed again and then this really set me off and I couldn’t stop crying for an hour because it just reminds us how incredibly lonely we are with out family. No one to help us during times like this, no one to guide us when we need it, you hear through other people what people think of you etc and its just a another whiplash of how harsh the world is. Maybe this is an extra sensitive time and we are exhausted from the Iftar but when you see things like that, it doesn’t feel like any of it is worth it. We do it for the sawab to reach my MIL and for a chance for all her good friends to come together every year because she was greatly loved and respected by an entire city community but even with ALL those people there, if it reminds us of anything, is that friends only go so far and life is really hard when you don’t have a family support system. Particularly a woman in the house to pick us up. I just want this day to be over and forgive and forget people’s comments but its hard to escape that lonely feeling. I guess my question to anyone here is, how have you dealt with the loss of your parent (my husbands mother died when he was in his mid 20s)? How drastically did your life change? He doesnt feel like people are the same towards him and his dad anymore. I come from a large family so to have to come from that to this has been very difficult as well for me. I envy people with such large close nit families. We feel it more during our Pakistani community events, weddings when everyone is always with their families. We always sit alone. It’s difficult and I guess when you try so hard to have things go smoothly but fail, it doesn’t make it feel worthwhile. To the point where it’s hard to face people or be left in scenarios that is hard to get over. ( ie: sitting alone at weddings even when you know everyone there.)
Anyways, any words of encouragement or advice will be appreciated. I am feeling very sad and don’t know why I can’t seem to control it.
May Allah accept your iftari, give sawab to your mil. I would say just ignore the people who don't have any respect for you and are selfish enough to mock you. Allah knows your intentions and inshahAllah he will accept your prayers. Rest, maybe look into make new friends, few people who you can eventually be close and can socialize with more frequently. Last but not least, next year don't invite people who don't come to the masjid regularly, check with some pros at the for some cooking guidelines...
I have not lost my parents yet so I can not comment on that. But ignore those dumbasses that made snide comments on facebook. Its easier to tear something down than build something up. Its nothing more than them being asshats. Seriously if they are family friends they would know how much this means to you and they should keep their snide remarks to themselves.
Basically ignore them, I know hard to do. Its very hard to ignore something when it hurts you. But that is the best solution.
people who get invited at dawats and then make fuss about one thing or the other are simply cheap. just don't pay attention to them.
and i would suggest don't invite them next time as well. if you have the neeyat that the sawab of the iftar goes to your MIL, then you can also distribute iftaar to the needy, lees privileged,most deserving persons.
Things changed a lot since Ami ji passed-away, I was suddenly the 'lady-of-the-house' and responsible for the entire house and that's something I had no clue about. At first there was a tug-of-war between my uncles and aunts and they kept at it till we (siblings) put an end to that. We know that people are going to talk, they always have and they always will whether we set-up a drinking fountain under her name, build a mosque. They speak and the best advice that I can give you is to develop a skin so thick that it doesn't affect you. We tried getting everyone together to recite the Qura'an and realized it was just an opportunity for them to come-by and gossip, so now we feed orphans at my fathers' orphanage and spend time with them and use that money to buy them stationary, shoes etc.
I lost my father when I was 15, and yes people do change. All the relationships/friendships have to be built by you from the scratch, at least this is my experience. Relatives etc. stopped visiting us even for occasions like eid, we initially tried but stopped after getting some cold responses. What we siblings did was to move on with the life and not care what others thought of us. I'm the youngest one so did not care and was soon busy in college/university life, the elders were busy in earning and making sure we had decent living and having mother besides us helped a lot. We did not need any emotional support from our relatives/friends, yes initially we longed for it but soon realized this is not happen. The dynamics of every family are different and each family approaches life differently, so you must concentrate on your future life and what you can do with the available time and resources and not on what others think or make of it.
It was very bad that some people were not grateful of your hospitality. Managing 350 people is not easy at all and you did a good job in my view. The purpose of going to such occasions (even marriages) is to show your support to the family not for the food. But unfortunately we bring out our true face during such occasions. In our society no one is happy of ones' success and people will always find faults to satisfy their egos.
We tried your method once or twice and almost got the same response (there were no facebook comments but ONface comments). So what we do now every year on my Fathers' anniversary is that we donate money to Edhi, Shaukat Khanam Hospital and some orphanage where children get to eat something good for the day. There is no point in inviting ungrateful people and feed them too.
In the desi community, it's usually the MIL who introduces the DIL to the community and eases her way into a new social circle. You don't have that which means you start from ground zero. Imagine moving to a new city because your husband got a job transfer - how would you make inroads into the social scene - use that approach.
As for people talking, even if your MIL was alive - they would talk - it's what desis do best. Talk about others and bring them down. It's how they feel better about themselves and cover up their own inadequacies. Learn to recognize these people for what they are and cultivate a circle of friends and support system of people who don't talk about others.
S and S - Like other guppies suggested your neyyat is there and that’s all that matters! You cannot ever make people happy even if there was food left over, It’s like one thing after another. our desis tend to be very selfish and un-appreciative, who do nothing but complaint about everything at others expense, don’t let their misery bring you down or discourage you.
At least you and your hubby made an effort in the name of the deceased one. Don’t be so hard on yourself - next year perhaps think about doing what Gina and her family do, distribute food to a food bank or an orphanage, Allah diloun kay haal jaanta hai
I have not experienced the loss that you have, so I cannot speak to that. But regarding your other point, there are a lot of people in this world with a huge sense of entitlement and very little desire to put real effort forward to be part of something. They are not the "it's the thought that counts folks," and they will look for reasons to complain, reasons to feel offended, reasons to cause drama. Though these folks are often the loudest and their words the harshest, they are not necessarily right nor are they representing the opinion of the majority. It is hard to always remember that. But I think there may be a lot of people in that 350 who appreciate the efforts you and your husband make to bring the community together to honor your mother-in-law in a positive and fun way. Try to focus on these others. If you feel that is not the case, that your efforts are being wasted and are not appreciated by anyone, consider other ways to honor your MIL, as the people above have suggested.
Beyond that, I think you'll need to make a concerted effort to develop a circle of your own (desi or non-desi), where you can start relationships from scratch and do not have the pressure of built up expectations, etc.
I lost both my parents 5 years ago, and my life changed drastically. Especially in regards with my Ammi, as she was the eldest of 8 siblings and the glue that held the khandaan together. My entire naniyal lives here in the same city, and our family has been settled here for 35+years, so my parents were also pillars of the community. After Ammi's passing, initially I never felt that I'd ever be without "sahaara", given that I had such a big family and perceived support network, but it didn't quite workout that way. There have been many, many instances where I have missed and the guidance and experience of ghar ke barray, but haven't gotten it from family or Ammi/Papa ke aziz aur khareeb dost who I grew up with. It was sad and frustrating at the same time. We 3 siblings also have had our ups and downs since our parents passed away so I think that also contributed to the desolate feelings.
I did exactly what SO2 said, I made the effort to break away from some of "ammi's way" and traditions and forged my own, new circle where I wasn't just "so-and-so's" daughter, where I didn't have that legacy to uphold, where people just knew me as ME.
I feel like I am just now, within the past year or so finally getting to be stage where I am confident and competent in my "new" life.
^ Thank you to everyone for sharing your advice and experiences. It helps a lot.
Khattichic, I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose both your parents around the same time. Not even close so thank you for encouraging words. Your family's scenario is similar to mine where my in laws were very old members of our city and have been settled here also for 35+ years. You mentioned the word sahaara and that is EXACTLY what we feel the lack there of. Not even the Aunties in my MIL's immediate circle came over and asked if I needed help or if everything was going okay. I feel like I have held a lot of expectations from my husband's close circle because initially everyone was so present in our lives when we first married but soon things changed, and time after time again, we get disappointed at the change in attitudes towards. Those same friends that my husband grew up and considered his brothers, that is far from the case now. Even if we see them on occasion, I always held the hope that at least in our time of need they are/will be there for us but that hope is slowly diminishing. The iftar was another rude awakening of that. I even went over a couple of times to his moms best friend's table but she was concerned with eating and her namaz and didn't say anything to me in regards to how things went. It has been very sad and frustrating to say the least. That sahaara is exactly what I kept going over there for.
^ What is it that you want/need from them, these elders in the community? No matter what they cannot completely fill the void your MIL has left. What are your expectations for these women?
I'd abandon this tradition as nothing good seems to be coming from it. Use the money you would have spent on it in some other charitable way to help the poor and needy.
S&S just as other people said, don't be too hard on yourself. You did not arrange this dawat to please people. You arranged it for a purpose and InshAllah that purpose has been achieved. And as Gina mentioned, next year instead of feeding the ungrateful people, feed the needy people who would actually appreciate and give duas to you guys and your MIL. Infact try and go yourself, distribute , food or whatever it is you decide to give, yourself. You will feel amazing after IA. Secondly, you can always donate that money to help create a mosque or a school which would then be considered Sadqa-e-jariya. And as long as people are benefiting from it, you and your MIL will continue to get sawab for it IA. What else could be better than that?
One of the things you seem to be taking for granted is the transference of the good will earned and enjoyed by your MIL to you. Life unfortunately doesn't work that way. The people in your community don't know you - you need to make your own way and create your own network of friends and support system. Maintaining salaam alaik with your MIL's friends is one thing, but expecting them to help you and be there for you just because you are so-and-so's DIL is impractical. Most people will go to the masjid and partake in the event, but the ones helping out are either the family/super close friends of the host or the Allah-waalay who do it for sawaab and not because of family connections. Unless your MIL's friends fall into either category - them helping out is unlikely.
Another thing, guys are different from girls and as close are your husband's friends are - the whole idea of sahaara and support system doesn't occur to men, it's a female socialization thing. It's not that guys are insensitive, they just take things like this for granted - if they are asked, they might step up, but it doesn't occur to them on their own.
How is your FIL in all of this? How has he helped you integrate with his and his wife's friends and children?
Sehrysh has mentioned what I wanted to say......that the goodwill that your MIL earned will not transfer to you......personal relationships are just that: personal. Your position/status in the same society will have to be earned as well.
In addition to what Muzna and Sehrysh said, I am just wondering what the situation is.
So for the iftari in particular, did you ask for help? Did you ask for advice or input? Ideas to make this event special? Maybe since you've been doing it for so long, people felt that this was something you preferred to do on your own or with close family and did not want to interfere. Maybe they're just busy with their own commitments and lives and did not realize that you needed them to be more than present. That could be an honest misunderstanding. I don't mean to make excuses for any pain someone may have caused you, but I just wanted to see if there was something unintentional, a misunderstanding that is causing you pain when it doesn't have to.
As for your husband's friends/companions, that really depends on the individual circumstances (are they also married, are they near our husband's age, do they live close by, have the stayed in touch, is this group of friends their primary source of socializing, etc). How much has your husband tried to maintain these ties and connections -- not saying any distance is his fault, just wondering whether people are really aware of how much you and he depend on them for emotional support.
Can I say something with due respect. What sawab are we expecting here to feed iftaar to people who can do the same at home for themselves, and then they criticize too? Are not you better off giving that money to needy people? Your mil is going to get a lot of ajar, and you will too.
Please don't take me wrong. I have lost my dad a long time ago so I know the pain. But feeding iftaar to 350 people who don't need to be fed seems to be an over kill.
We used to do the same thing....feeding iftar at the mosque for people that really had no need to be fed and were coming there only to socialize/criticize anyway. After the third time we asked ourselves the very same question: Wouldn't this money serve the needy in a much better way? Wouldn't that be truly in the spirit of charity and giving that our prophet would have appreciated?
We stopped and transferred the same donation to deserving people.
^ I see what you guys are saying, but I do think their idea is also a nice one, to provide a reason for loved ones to gather and to remember their mother/MIL. Providing opportunities for socializing and gathering is important too. The problem here is that it is not having the desired effect.
