Hi, i really need some advice. Me and my family have moved to a new country 15 months ago. My kids have adjusted wonderfully mashallah and my hubbys work seems to be going well. I however feel very sad and lonely. I have moved away from my family and friends but we talk everyday on the phone and set up video calls aswell and i think i am doing very well with regards to feeling homesick. Th reason i am feeling sad is the rest of the community we have come into. It is a small muslim community and initially i thought it would be fine and why would they not welcome us but as the months have gone by i have noticed that nobody is willing to help you or even ask is there is anything they can do for you.Not that we would need help but just the offer would be nice and help us feel we are not alone. In Europe the communitys are welcoming and when realising that a family is new will go out of their way to be helpful(well they are where we have come from) but these guys are very distant. Then they have these get togethers every so often and want us to be part of them and we did try for a year to be part of these get togethers but i noticed they were so demanding, e.g oh you must bring this and this, but we have limited funds and i cannot sacrifice my familys happiness for their get togethers. I recently met with them for a ramadaan meal and they were so cold to me i felt like crying! I dont want my kids to feel that i am unhappy here so i just carried on happy and smiling trying to make small talk with the people. My husband does realise the situation and he felt this way when we arrived here, from the men in the community. But i kept telling him that we have to make an effort to mix in with these people and he was not happy but he tried for my sake. Now i am getting the same treatment from the women, i feel hurt and almost feel if i carry on thinking about all this i will end up depressed.
I am sorry for the long post. Any advice will be appreciated.
Re: fitting in with new community.
I hope out of that community you would be able to find at least a couple of decent people you could relate to. You do not need a crowd to be happy just a couple of good like minded people.
Start to have one on one meetings with each family and you can find a couple of good friends by opening up to them and let them open up to you. It is difficult to have a meaningful and heartfelt conversation in a crowd. One on one is the best way to develop a meaningful and intimate friendship. Give it a try and report back here in a couple of months I am sure you would be happy with the results.
Re: fitting in with new community.
^Yep, I agree with Mirch..... its amazing how different people are when you meet them one-on-one..... better to meet people that way. Maybe invite one family over each month for dinner/lunch and just get to know them one-on-one. Its tough to get into groups anyways, I've discovered that..... I dont know why desis are so resistant to letting people into their so-called groups of friends.
Re: fitting in with new community.
Thankyou guys :)
i will try.
Re: fitting in with new community.
Thankyou guys :) i will try.
You are welcome. Start with the most friendly or responsive families who have kids of your age with similar means as yours. Then move on to others. Looking for sincere friends is like digging for gold, you shovel away a lot of dirt to find a speck of gold.
Re: fitting in with new community.
dont compare.. you will never get over teh depression... its not easy ... but the tips you have received are really good.. one on one works best...
and there is nothing like european desis.. as messed up as they can be, they are very welcoming... i hated desi get togethers in canada... very very fake. it just seems the more educated desis get, the snootier they get.. my sil moved from denmark to canada and she still hsnt been able to settle in.. finds desis there very unwelcoming to new faces..... she just tried to be friends with her husband's friends wives...
you can also make friends with mothers of your childrens friends... who says they have to be desi... any friend would do right now.
if no one is taking the initiative to inviting you.. u take the first step... invite them to your place...
Re: fitting in with new community.
^So true.... USA is also the same way.
Desis are mostly so snooty, especially when you meet people in group settings.
I was fortunate to find a few females who are down-to-earth and not like that at all, alhamdulillah but unfortunately, those are very few.
Re: fitting in with new community.
Why limit yourself only to Muslims? Get to know some non-Muslims. Get to know some non-desis. Be a part of where you are. I know that it is not the same, I know that the friendships are not as warm, but you can be the person who teaches North Americans (I'm assuming you are in North America, yes?) what real friendship is. Also, get out and volunteer somewhere. Maybe at your kids' school.
Re: fitting in with new community.
Thank you to all of you, I feel so much better already!
Yes we are in North America, the reason for trying to find desi friends was ...... i don't know, i think because of the lack of desis here i thought maybe thats what i should do to help keep in touch with our desiness lol.
My husbands friends and their wives have been really welcoming and supportive and i think that makes me more mad as they are non muslims and non desi so if they can be so nice why can't our own behave the same way? Its been a real eye opener for me, i always thought your own look out for you and guide you but no thats not the case. I guess i was naive......
Yep i need to get out more and make more of an effort, the volunteering thing is good.
Thanks.
Re: fitting in with new community.
Muslim na ho, desi na ho, phir bhi insaan to hai, hai ki nahin?