This is just one part of the notes. If someone wants notes from the entire course let me know.
[1] Maintaining Love & Marital life
A. Love after the wedding
a. Does marriage kill love?
i. Said b/c people take love for granted
ii. If a woman comes to complain to her husband, he says I love you, she says show me
iii. They don’t’ feel it or they don’t’ see the language spoken at home
iv. Men – mostly at night
v. Women – mostly during the day
vi. Each should react accordingly during the night and day
vii. If you as a man do not give your wife enough time during the day, she will dedicate her time to you at night
viii. For men – sex is a reward
- hoor el 3een b/c it’s reward
- best reward from wife, nice night with my life
ix. For women – sex is not a reward - if they withdraw at night, men will see that as they didn’t do well and they didn’t get their reward and they feel bad about it
x. ibnul qayem said that marriage shouldn’t kill love if it was fulfilled properly
xi. story of prophet and Aisha happened after marriage
b. Communicating love to your partner
i. Love has different language and even if you do speak the same language it has different dialects
ii. Even if you use words of affirmation and complements, sometimes the husband requests you use something extra
c. Rationalizing love in marital life
i. Remember the in-love syndrome
ii. Love sometimes explains the behavior of human beings
iii. When men and women that are in love interact in a totally different way from those that are not in love
iv. If a man is not in love with his wife, he’ll be at the car while she’s still getting there 10 mins later
v. If a man and wife are in love with each other, they’re traveling together, chatting together, doing things together - like
- romance cycle doesn’t last more than 2 years normally
- with a full tank of love and practice the right language of love you can take it on for years
- any act of love starts with an attitude
a. if you view your marital life the way you saw your parents during their time and try to implement it with your wife/husband it will be a disaster
i. never change the diapers
ii. never help around the house
iii. he might say, how dare you ask me to do this/that
iv. this is a female job
B. understanding the Differences
a. men are from mars & women are from venus
i. in most aspects it’s very real
ii. he’s describing the Islamic aspects of relationships between spouses
iii. he says they have differences, they have different values, qualities, and characteristics
b. understanding the different values
i. men usually appreciate values like power, achievement, competency, efficiency - therefore they like to be dressed in formal suits or their uniforms reflect their job
- have a typical way of dressing, may change color but different patterns
- like to look nice and professional
ii. women like to dress depending on their moods - if they feel good, they’ll dress up nicely
- if they don’t feel good, they don’t care what they’re wearing
- like to look good and comfortable
iii. women in return value other things - love
- communication
- beauty
- relationships
- support
iv. men like to do things alone - when one talks, all listen
- when they disagree, they discuss rationally and
- like objects and things
a. need to do this or that - value accomplishments
a. on the computer for hours (doing this for you)
b. I got a free ipod from EmanRush
c. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH (achievement)
v. women like to do things socially - when they talk, the all get involved
- like relationships and beauty
a. just listen to me - value relationships
a. I need to talk (I want to understand you)
b. try to support her, feel bad for her, want to help her
c. awwwwwwwww (so cute so nice)
c. crisis approach, and coping with stress
i. men when they are not in trouble, they like to remain silent and don’t’ talk
ii. women when they are in trouble, they can’t keep silent and need to talk
iii. when the prophet was afflicted with something, he would caress/touch his beard, pray, stay alone/withdraws
iv. when the prophet (ala bayna ahlih) he swore that he would not touch his wives for one month b/c they kept asking for more financial provisions, they demanded more, so he was upset and went up in seclusion for 29 days upstairs and when he came down, Aisha was the first he went to and she was like .. the month is not over yet! - omar rushed to his daughter hafsa
- bilal was guarding the stares for the prophet
a. I told him that you’re asking for permission and that’s when he didn’t respond (withdraw) - omar said that when we were in Mekkah they couldn’t say anything to our wives and them to us but when he came
v. cave of the man - when men can’t deal with an issue, they go home to watch the news or go on their PC and they do this b/c they want to hear about a bigger problem than their own and they will be thinking about this solution until they find it
- do not follow your husband out of the cave, or else the dragon will burn you
vi. women issues - when she’s complaining or overwhelmed, knows she’s trying to just ask you to hear her and talk to her
- just keep the flow of your talk naturally
- give her indivisible attention
- assure her it is true
- don’t try to offer solutions
- just listen and support her
a. ex. Let’s go to the park with the kids
i. you say ok .. let me go just grab my laptop
ii. this will mean to her that you’re busy with something else and you will not build a relationship with you and your spouse
b. she’s not complaining about you, she just wants you to support her - need to bring the history of the problem to release the tension
a. ex. women are more organized in their thoughts and job
b. ex. Not really talking about traveling but just traveling with you or planning things with you
vii. marriage counseling - men hate it b/c they don’t want to express their views/opinions
a. views this as he is a failure, not a good father, not improvement - women love it to go
a. improve self, improve others, etc
d. the motivation power
i. quwama (protectors and guardians) - men feel empowered and motivated when they feel needed
a. when they see their wife needs them
b. not to be needed is a slow death for men
c. translates to mean she has no desire fro me - women feel empowered and motivated when they are cherished
a. when they feel the love emotionally
e. expressing feelings through different languages
i. when men speak to their wives they speak their own language - objects
- power
- things
a. after talking for an hour and what did we establish, we wasted time
ii. women speak to their husbands they speak about - love
- beauty
- relationships
a. after talking for an hour I feel really good thanks
f. our emotional differences
i. why men withdraw every once in a while - she might try to go enter his cave
ii. the intimate cycle of a man (rubberband theory) - sometimes very close
- sometimes very distance
a. for no real reason I need time away from her
b. try to keep the limit
c. he pulls away, away, and away, then he has to go back to the center
d. the only way out, is back in
e. not staying away b/c they want to, it’s just b/c of their nature
f. once he’s stretched out to gain that full energy and once he’s done and has reached his limit, he’ll expect his wife to be responsive
g. if ask him what’s the matter, and he says nothing, he really doesn’t understand what’s going on
h. women don’t’ understand a man’s immediate and quick return to the woman
iii. the intimate cycle of women (moody theory) - everything is great all of a sudden then all of a sudden everything is great
- a woman in a span of 5 mins can go from happy, to upset, to mad, to angry, to sad, then to happy again
- a woman must reach the bottom of that wave in order to go back up
- if you notice she’s getting upset, completely depressed, give her her space
- if he asks, what’s the problem, and she says nothing,
a. he says ok and leaves OR
b. he can help her with her “in-house cleaning”
c. do not offer solutions
A Final Advice
The Many different Languages of love
• Words of Affirmation
• language of love is in your eyes, your mind
• if she puts her passion for you in the kitchen do not disappoint her
• if she cooks all of this food even if it’s extravagant, appreciate her, her services, her time
• she cooked it for you!!
• Don’t try to find something you want to solve a problem
• Taking out the trash
i. You both keep looking at it and both of you see it
ii. If you see it, pick it up, take it and put it in the trash outside
iii. If you do that she’ll appreciate that and give you mad appreciation
• After breakfast, if she cooked it well or not, just say jazaki Allah khair .. let it come out naturally
• NOT oh you’re late, I’ve been waiting for it for so long
• Quality time
• Give quality time to your wife
i. She just cares to spend the time with you
ii. Give her your undivided attention and just respect her
iii. That is better than a long time together
iv. You need to be there physically and mentally
• Receiving gifts
• Value of gifts for women are equal as long as you give it sincerely
i. A flower
ii. A diamond
iii. A car - in her eyes they’re all the same .. it’s the thought process beside it
- imagine giving your wife a flower, her reaction will be so sincere and pleased you’ll be surprised
• exchanging gifts can be very easy and very simple
i. It doesn’t cost too much
ii. If you take a piece of paper, write a few words, with a pen and put it on the bed, on her desk, how much would that cost?
iii. This is something great for her!!
iv. If it doesn’t happen often, women might not know how to react to the gift
• Different acts of service
• Take the trash out
• Help with the dishes
• Take the children to their sports events
• Physical Contact
• Explicit
• Implicit
i. Need to see the love as well as feel the love
ii. Men – every now and then he touches her randomly, it’s the sincerity behind this touch that makes the difference - Prophet took the cup where her lips touched to drink from the exact same spot this is a form of physical touch
- prophet’s check on Aisha
Fit in
• likes to hear words of confirmation
• if he does something good, thank him for it
• say barakah Allah feek, jazaka Allah khair, oh this so sweet, so nice
• Quality time
• Give quality time to your husband
• Women are much better at this
• She wants to talk and he doesn’t want to listen so just summarize
i. She just cares
A Final Advice
A. How To win the heart of your wife?
• every once in a while give gifts
• if you exchange gifts you earn love
• it’s not the value it’s the thought
• think of it as an investment
• give her the quality time that you both deserve
• ask for a formal session
i. schedule time together
ii. schedule a different place each time (in the bedroom)
• when your wife talks to you, listen to her
• if she repeats her self again and again know that that is very important to her
• use your eyes
• if she’s in the kitchen, how much would it take from you if you look at her, not in a lustful way, just with a look of admiration and give her words of affirmation
• use your eyes to attract the attention of your spouse
• I feel jealous from you from my own eyes, from my pleasure that you occupy
• Greetings and farewells
• When you go out, let the first thing you do when you come in or right before you go out, kiss your wife
i. Hadith of Aisha that she was fasting and even though he kissed her
ii. Haidth of Zaynab .. she was asked about the kiss during Ramadan, she said no he didn’t, only her (Aisha)
iii. Poetry - Red roses kill themselves for you and they would die to put that rosie look on your cheeks
- If she spits in the ocean while the ocean is salty, it will return fresh from her saliva
• At home, try to be creative with your everyday choirs
• At times of crisis, someone from their family passes away, be there for them to fill them emotionally
i. Don’t bring the problems of the masjid/iraq/etc to bed
ii. There is no harm in saying you love your spouse
iii. Love is not a demand, it’s a request
iv. Be educated about love
v. Love is natural, you can’t suppress that
vi. Don’t let the culture hold you by not saying I love you to your spouse
vii. Try always to forgive one another
viii. Don’t be picky about everything
ix. If it’s not the best time talk about it, don’t talk about it at that time
x. Don’t argue
xi. Don’t give instructions to your husband so much - will cause him to withdraw
xii. never put yourself between him and his mother
xiii. never have him compare you and his mother - this will create a fitna for yourself
- mother has a right s/he needs to fulfill for each
xiv. don’t forget to fear Allah insha’Allah
(surat al furqan 74) oh Allah bless us with wives and husbands and make our wives and our children a comfort of our eyes, and make us an example for the mutaqeen
B. How to win the heart of your husband?
(above)
C. Rights & obligations between man & women
Open Questions:
(Q #1): Istiskhara & Istikhara
(Q #2): did Muslim women have concubines?
April 24th EXAM essay question (one of them will be on the exam)
Remember:
“Love is union with somebody, or something, outside oneself, under the condition of retaining the separateness and integrity of one’s own self.”
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.”
“When marriage is true and right, it is a vacation from the real world.”
~Shaikh Yaser Birjas
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