My father in law retired from a very decent job almost 15 years ago. Back then, he gave his huge retirement lumpsum(Pakistani equivalent of 401k) to an Islamic type institute which only has been paying the equivalent of $10 to him a month. My husband suggested all types of ways to invest but his father shot them all down as unislamic. My husband being a caring and dutiful son stepped in and started supporting his parents immediately even though he was a student in USA and had to take up odd jobs. Fast forward 2018, we now have a home and two children.
Our current situation is that my husbands entire salary goes into mortgage, car payment, insurance while mine goes to daycare, groceries, utility bills, health insurance and our kids necessities. The additional cost of daycare for or new baby means, we can no longer afford to send home the $2000 , my in laws need for their monthly expenses. Recently they have started to make us feel really guilty and specifically my husband is being made to feel like a bad son. He?s really hurt given all that he?s done for them. I am upset too because I would love to quit my job and be with my kids but guess what, that?s not an option. I don?t want to crush my husband under the burden of responsibilities and expenses. But at the same time, I feel like it?s unfair that their bad investment choices and lack of retirement planning is adversely impacting us. Also isn?t $2000 a little too much if your home is paid off, your two cars are paid off( we bought them two new cars a few years ago),and you only drive in the neighborhood.
The one option that seems financially viable right now is for them to move in with us so we can cut down on day care costs and ideally rent their home. If they can do that for a few years until at least one of our kids is in preschool , it will help us (and them a lot). But last time when we tried to do this , they started complaining by day 5 and went back within a month. They hated being home bound. Anyways, sorry for the long rant but this is so very stressful and depressing. I really cant think of another solution. We can?t afford to send $24,000 a year to them anymore. We simply can?t. But I for one can?t ask them why their cost of living is so high either. For those of you who send money home, is that a realistic figure and how do you manage ?
Hey dooree, welcome back. Now how many siblings are there? sorry if i missed it.
But lets say he is the only one. So your husband is allocating $2k each month for them only. And there are you and kids. Poor guy. He is really a gentleman and a very good son as well as husband/father.
Also it looks the parents are in Pakistan, are they? In either situation, you are right to talk about lessening the amount. Its a lot. He is practically supporting two families.
Considering all dynamics, I would suggest to talk to them very openly. And explain that you’ll be unable to spend this much. So what other alternates can be explored? You guyz have to go for a full family meeting and decide in there. I’m sure ther’ll be a way sorted out. Good luck.
I?ve been on both ends of the transaction. When I was younger, I relied on money sent from abroad and now I send money home. For me it?s my way of contributing toward my loved ones when I am physically absent and it gives me great satisfaction. My wife was unaware of it in the beginning, then she hated it when she found out but now has accepted it as part of life and I am so thankful for that. As far as the amount you quoted, indeed that is quite high. Perhaps it was a one-off expenditure of some kind such as buying a generator, or paying for some construction.
If you?ve watched 10K episodes of Kiyoun keh saas bhi kabhi bahoo thee, then I?m sure you would know how to create circumstances to force your husband to stop sending money. But I would suggest not to go that route. It will stop the cash-flow but it will create so many other problems. Instead find some middle ground. If you help your husband fulfill his responsibilities, that will only make your bond stronger and bring lots of barkat in your home.
As far as elder people coming abroad is concerned, they always dislike it after a few days. Giving up their social setup in Pakistan and the general familiarity with everything there is quite tough at that age.
**In my opinion both of you Husband and wife need to remind/make aware to the Grand Parents that their Grand Children are being deprived of necessities while they the Grand Parents are living in Luxury!
at today’s exchange rate $2000/- is like 2.6 Lakh Ruppees per Month, that is an Executives Salary in Pakistan right?**
he was a student n was doing odd jobs… then who paid his tuition fees? … i know odd jobs cant pay for ur tuition fee so … parents did ??? … just curious …
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. I in no way want to stop supporting the parents but now as a parent myself of two children, want to set realistic expectations that we can sustain for IA the next 10/20 years . At the same time, I do think it?s unfair that they live a very luxurious lifestyle while we are both working our butts off. To answer some of the questions 1)the in laws live in Pakistan in a fairly posh neighborhood: 2) My husband is a very bright person and was always on full scholarship/ financial aid throughout his school/ undergraduate. So the family didn?t ever have to spend on his education even when we moved to USA. The odd jobs were just to send money home 3) the money I quoted is not a one off. It?s $2000 per month. If you were to ask them, the would deny, because they have access to or bank account in Pak and have debit card to it. I don?t think they keep track of expenses.
They are 3 brothers and 2 sisters. All are married . The other two brothers live in Pakistan in cities different than the parents. One of them has been helping financially and the other one has offered for them to move in since he cant send money. So far the solution we?ve thought off is for us to cut back a little but still send some monthly stipend and have the other two contribute as well ( on a Monthly basis and not as a one off). I think the source of the frustration was that we were being made to feel so guilty about this whole mess. They justify everything in the name of their version of Islam but so far their version of Islam has only caused issues for us. FiL retired early to learn more about Islam and burnt his retirement savings by giving to some mufti who is paying him less than the cleaning lady earns, their 4 days a week dars events are so very expensive and additionally cause stress of new clothes, new electronics, phones, cars( you gotta wonder what purpose these events are actually seven). And you know I?ve been fine with all of this stuff for more than a decade but now for them to give us a hard time because we didn?t make a few monthly deposits is absurd . Especially when there is $25,000 in their bank account which we deposited. But anyways it?s just a very very difficult conversation and I am hoping this splitting of responsibilities is going to ease the burden because my husband has been visibly stressed and not in the mood to take their calls which in turn is causing them to call day and night and complain even more :s. Also why don?t our desi ppl plan anything in life? We are in our 30s and have already planned for retirement and also or daughters college fund. Shouldn?t people feel any sense of responsibility for their own future?
Alsooo one question that I keep forgetting to ask folks here. As American citizens, is there some tax credit/ break we can get because the parents are basically dependents. They are not USA citizens btw. Would it help if they were? Any reading materials you can share would be great as I understand taxes etc are a complicated matter .
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