Fiance

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Salam and Eid Mubarak,

I have been viewing this forum for a while, but havn’t until now had the courage to post anything. There seems to be a lot of good advice, so I was hoping somebody could help me make sense of this.

I had my baat paki more than a year ago, after them asking my parents for quite a while. I didn’t really feel ready to get engaged or rather I didn’t really seem to feel anything in particular about it. I am at university, and still have 3 years until I graduate, but I have always taken my parents advice and Alhumdulillah things seem to have gone well for me so far, so my parents asked and I agreed without having met my fiance or anything.

Now my parents wanted us to have a proper engagement as we live in different continents this only happened a few months ago. It was really important to my parents and they went all out organising it and made a real effort, but to me and even my parents it felt as though my fiance wasn’t really bothered, and infact to me it felt as though he didn’t really want to be there at all. Although I agreed to marry him without really knowing him, I was sort of looking forward to seeing what he was actually like, but he only came on the day of the engagement for a few hours and just looked really serious the whole time, he didn’t really speak to me at all, not even Salam. I appreciate that he is quite religious and also as we are not married there are boundaries, but i don’t know how to describe it but i kind of felt really let down at the time and still do.

It concerns me and I guess my parents too, that what if he doesn’t actually want to marry me. I am usually quite a level-headed person and logically thinking about it, he doesn’t actually know me (I don’t actually think he even knew what i looked like!)and was really busy at work. And I should just continue studying as I still have a few years left at uni and whatever is meant to be will be, but his behaviour does bother me. I had just kind of accepted him and I guess that is why I felt let down.

Sorry about the ramble, but has anybody else had such a long engagement like this? or been through anthing similar? Or could explain why he acted in this way?

Thank you

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Re: Fiance

"...he is quite religious" Uh oh! ;)

Joking aside, he's just following what his religion teaches him. You can't blame him.

OR

He might have been really nervous since it was the first time you guys met. Try talking to him on the phone once in awhile if you haven't started already.

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Well there is no engagements or engagement ceremonies in religion.

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Re: Fiance

Same story with my second cousin. My experience says your parents have taken the first steps towards ruining your life.

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Re: Fiance

Thank you for your replies, it is true about engagements not being relevant to religion, and I did also think it may just be nervousness, as i felt pretty awkward at the time.
We don't talk on the phone or anything at all, and that didn't really bother me before as I respected that it may not be right and I don't think I would have been comfortable with it either.
However, as we were there and everyone had gone to so much effort, any normal person would atleast make an effort would they not? To make a good impresson?

Its not as though he was horrible, as he spoke nicely to my parents and siblings, but he just doesn't seem to make as much as effort with them as I do with his family.

Really? Could you explain further? To be honest it seems to be taking over my life, and makes me feel quite insecure.

It was his side that were so keen for the engagement so soon. My parents made sure to ask him if he was happy with this, on his own at the time and he said he was, so it is all rather confuring.

I don't even feel able to ask my parents about it because I know it does bother them, and I don't know what they could really say. I just don't really know what to do about the whole situation.

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Re: Fiance

.

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So here is the story: My mom's cousin from my nani's side married away her daughter(my second cousin) to a guy living in Birmingham. At the time of her marriage, the girl was just 19 and she, like you trusted her parents a little too much. So she agreed to marry the guy(8 years her senior).

The boy and his family are religious fanatics. The type who live in Europe, but still hate all "*kuffars" *and wish for their deaths. Anyways, once they had the girl under control, they made her life hell for her. Her MIL controlled every aspect of her life. I've heard that when she gave birth to a daughter, he husband and his family were all grief stricken as if someone had died. That's how twisted they are. And now they aren't letting her come back to Pakistan for a visit.

My mum and I were recently in the UK and she wanted to visit the girl. And their behavior was totally insulting, like we were somehow inferior to them. NEVER marry a QUIET, RELIGIOUS GUY. Nothing but trouble.

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Re: Fiance

hmmmm.. i think maybe you should try and contact him and ask him how he feels. get to know each other. i'm currently going through a rishta with this guy i really like, i've spoken to him on the phone and we talk on facebook, i.e. we're getting to know each other. hes even going to come to our house inshallah, (he lives in london and i live up north) in 2 weeks to make the 'baat paaki'. so i think its important you should have some sort of communication with him, even if he is 'religious'.
after all it is your life and your the one whos going to live with him.

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Re: Fiance

In all seriousness, have you done istikhara?

Also, don't be shy to ask around the family about his personality and how he generally behaves with others. Perhaps he was shy and kept to himself during the entire process? This is your life and you should atleast know what kind of a person you are ending up with here.

Ask Allah by doing istikhara dear. That is the best advice for you.

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Re: Fiance

Start playing World of Warcraft

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If you have doubts now, it is best to address them before any further commitment has been made. If you do not speak up, and go ahead and get married without addressing these concerns, you will have only yourself to blame for an unhappy marriage.

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ofcorse there is .. which Islam have you been studying Luci ..:smack:

In time I ll try to open a thread on this where there are 3 ceremonies that are jaiz and mustahab that should be done in Islam.

…Thread Opener: Biggest mistake i think is ..you asked a question at the wrong place .. Life1 of GS :smack: .. If you think theres something wrong and dont feel right then confront your parents ..and tell them what you think .. and pass a message on to the guy via your brother or parents to the guy ..asking him ..if he is serious ..or was he just so nervous on the day of the engagement ceremony .. i mean it can happen ..esp if the two of you havnt met before .. or he may have been guided to keep a low profile and stay chup chup but in actual fact he may really be a fun and exciting person ..

what it boils down to .. you cant just just judge a person or his/her personality in just one sitting .. but rather It takes time .. considering your sittaution .. not meeting before, living long distance etc .. so just take time and like you said .. wait and see .. and one thing .. religion should not be an issue .. i.e. if the guy seems religious .. then you are really fortunate to have someone who is like this who accepts his religion and then practices it if it bothers you…

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I wonder how ppl are saying engagement is not in islam.

OP talk to the guy if ur life is dear to you. How can you throw urself into a well without knowing how deep it is. u may severely hurt yourself. so talk to him and know whats going on. He is your fiance and you do have rite to know him. Islam does give you right to talk to ur prospective spouse.

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hmmmm the first thing which popped in my mind: he's not happy with this... he must have his reasons (girlfriend?or he is just not ready? or he doesnt like the way this is working u guys are not even communicating with eachother and are willing to marry? )
if u think of it, if they are that religious they would not even believe in an engagement. If they still decided to engage u guys, a lot of times people still do the engagement seperately.. so the girls family goes to the guys house and vise versa...

have u met him?? how is it working out for you... if i was in the same situation... i wud want some time to know him?

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You need to express your concerns to someone who will take them seriously and address them: parents.

Tell them you have sensed hesitancy from his side and cannot follow through with something like this until you see more of an effort from his side.

Often times, parents think marriage is the cure to it all: dating a non-muslim, homosexuality, irresponsibility, etc. What they dont care about is the 3rd person in the scenario (you) who becomes a casualty in their effort to fix their son.

Dont be that casualty...you're young...the world is at your fingertips...why settle for something that doesnt feel right from the get-go? Why do that to yourself only to regret not listening to your gut instinct before?

If it doesnt feel right now...it wont feel right later.

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Thank you for your replies everyone.
I am really sorry to hear that IceSoul, it sounds quite scary, I hope things get better for her, Inshallah.

They are our extended family, so my parents did ask around and had met him before, and everybody does seem to love him, and said he was great, and so parents were happy with that at the time. He is about 5 years older than me, and the family all seem to say we are a good match but I guess in real it seems different. However, he always complains that he is really busy, which is fair enough, but my parents feel his parents should not have got him engaged if that was the case.
I have also met his family, as they are relatives and we did seem to get on. There are differences between our families, but his SILs were lovely, and in all seemed fine. Even they kept on saying there is nothing wrong in you guys seeing each other or talking, but he just didn’t. I don't think his brothers met their wives before they got married, so it may just be that it's not the norm, and he is shy. It was really scary for me too, and I left feeling even worse than before!

The main thing that bothers me is that my parents have already kind of accepted him too and he seems to say at least something that offends my mum whenever he speaks to her, which really upsets her. I think my parents do think it was all a bit soon, as I have only just turned 21 and apart from this, alhumdulillah I am really happy.

As most seem to think, I also feel that maybe he isn't happy with it, for what ever reason. But I would like to know if that is the case.
Fbi786, I don’t mean the religious reference in at all a negative way, it wasn’t an issue for me, at all. I guess for me it may just be a possible explanation for his behaviour. And, even if that it the reason, I would say fair enough, it would have been nice if he had said beforehand, look I am not into engagements, so please don’t go to any trouble!
I have had a little chat with my parents about it, my mother seems to get really emotional about it, and keeps asking my dad not to throw me in an unknown well!
My dad has said I need not worry about it for now, and he will speak to his parents and if I am still not comfortable with it, then he will not make me do anything.
bbbb, thank you for reminding me, No I did not, I have to admit I was naive and still am.
Everything seemed right at the time, and my gut instinct told me to go with it, as things seemed to be happening so quickly, and I didn't think to do Istikara after. Inshallah I will do now, and go from there.

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funky_chicken i hope things go well for you, inshallah. Thats sweet that he will come!
My parents would be ok with the talking thing I guess, my mum even asked on Eid when she was on the phone if he wanted to speak to me, and he just said can you say eid mubarik to me from him, so my mum took that as a No! lol
At times I do just think it is a nervousness thing, but that one occassion has really effected me, and a few other things bother my parents too!
Reha, I think that is a real concern for my parents as well, inshallah I will take onboard the advice, and inshallah things will be ok.