A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. “Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!”
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. “Look, Bozo! We’re divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?”
“Oh, I know! I just can’t hear it enough!”
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”
"Oh, " replies the husband, "she’s my mistress. "
"Well, that’s the last straw, " says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce”
"I can understand that, " replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours. "
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who’s that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That’s his mistress, " says her husband.
She thinks for a while and says, “Ours is prettier”
