I just recently got married into a Pakistani family where I finally got to meet them and get to know them since I live abroad. Anyways, I’m a newbie in the family but already feeling left out since I’m from a different background and culture. Not sure if I’m justified in feeling this way, but here’s the issue.
They’re considering a rishta for my eldest BIL, and the thing is that they’ve discussed it with my other sister in law (Gitani), BIL (my hubby’s the youngest bro) my nund, etc, everyone except for me knows about it. Now, my hubby is obviously filling me in on what’s happening, but since no one (meaning MIL or FIL didn’t tell me personally about it) I’m not exactly sure how to go about it. I mean, I’m feeling kind of hurt and left out that they’re not asking my opnion or letting me know about the rishta, and at the same time, my hubby wants me to be all cheery and happy about it and give his mom my duas and wishes for it. But I’m not sure if I’m supposed to act like I know about it. I spoke to his mom today and she told me nothing about it, we had like awkward silences cuz we had no topic going on, she could have easily told me about it especialy since the girl’s family just came over the other day. Anyways, I just feel like no one’s going to accept me cuz I’m the most different from them all, and quite frankly it gets me soooo mad that she didn’t bother telling me about it. Like I don’t know what a simple, “jee beta, _____ ke liya rishta chalra, aap dua mey yaad rakay.” That would make the world of a difference to me, I’d so happily make dua for him, but right now, I feel like whatever, if you’re not considering me important enough to tell me about it, then why should I care? My hubby says that maybe she’s not saying anything because she knows that he’d tell me. I don’t know I’m confused, but it hurts that she never said anything to me.
I know I’m making a big deal out of nothing. But your feedback please?
Try not to get upset. Every family is different and has a different way of operating. You say you were recently married...being new to the family, perhaps they just aren't comfortable yet sharing these things with you, just as you would not be comfortable sharing personal things with them.
Some people are like that...they just aren't comfortable letting a lot of people in. That could be the case with your susraal. So just let it go, put a smile on your face, and make dua. I'm pretty sure they're not all sitting around when you're not there trying to think up ways to exclude you. It's just part of their personalities to not discuss personal issues with too many people. I'm that way myself. Beyond my mother, my hubby, and one very close friend, I just don't let other people in. I'm not trying to exclude others or hurt them by being this way. It's just how I'm built.
Are you desi as well? How are you from a different culture than your husband? I'm just curious.
Have your in-laws always been awkward to you from the very beginning or did this reserved behavior occur during the rishta talks? I know of some families who are soooooooo secretive/tight-lipped about situations like rishtas that they reveal little to zero information to even their relatives and closest friends. So, that's a possibility. Although if they've always been like this around you.......then it shouldn't come as a surprise.
I know it's easier said than done, but try to relax and take it easy. I know you feel hurt about them not involving you, but try to see the bright side to situations. For example....sometimes when in-laws involve you, they end up bogging you down with tasks or they create drama. You've been spared that.
Here's what I suggest. Don't wait for your MIL or SILS to tell you about their rishta talkies. I know that there are SOME in-laws who expect YOU to make the first move and to be up-to-date about anything and everything that's going on in the family. They're too dumb/tactless to realize that it would be courtesy on their part to inform others of major events. So, always keep in mind that you can NEVER change or control your in-laws. You can ONLY control yourself. So.................just to cover your back............I think YOU should be the BIGGER PERSON that you are...............and take the first step in congratulating your MIL.
Tell MIL: "My husband told me about BIL's rishta and I'm really excited. I'm very happy for him and hope that things will go well. If there is anything that I can do to help, please let me know. I would like to be a part of your celebration/happiness."
I once heard someone say that "Don't wait for someone to come to you.......just do it." Don't wait to be asked, Salik. Don't wait to be told. Be proactive..........and express your best wishes and offer your help. That way your in-laws won't be accusing you of being "apathetic" about their family.
Sometimes, we think that people don't like us. We wait form them to talk to us. But we may have no idea that they feel the same way about us. Perhaps they're waiting for us to open up. If you try being a bit more proactive.......(ask them questions, encourage them to show you their plans for the wedding, offer help, give praise because flattery can go a long way).....maybe they'll warm up to you.
And even if they don't open up to you........at least your fulfilling COURTESY and your husband is happy with you.......and in the end, it's your relationship with him that matters most.
As Mistral said above that some families are not comfortable letting a lot of people in (for example, there are some things that I may not tell relatives or even my closest friends until a much later time)...............................just make sure that you ask your husband first about whether or not it's okay for you to bring up the rishta with MIL.
Just in case he was told by his mom not to share the info with others.......that way you'll be okay. IF he says that he thinks it would be okay for you to congratulate her.........and that she wouldn't mind you knowing about this rishta situation........then go ahead and wish her and BIL well.
You shouldn't think negatively. You said you are a newbie in the family so I am sure they just don't have that trust/connection with you that they have with your SIL. That's pretty normal. I remember when I was getting married, I didn't want my new Bhabhi to know anything about it until after it was a done thing. Mine was an arranged marriage. I just didn't know how she'll react to things, or if I could trust her enough. Of course she knew about my rishta but that's it. I am just saying that they need more time with you to be able to build that connection.
Maybe, in the past, your SIL has been really helpful in personal matters hence they told her and asked for her opinion. Wait for your turn to prove yourself that you can handle things good enough too.
Trust me lady, IT IS VERY MUCH NORMAL!!! They should ask for your opinion but if they don't there is NOTHING wrong with that since you are a newbie in the family.
Your background must be different but from what you wrote, doesn't sound like your in-laws are bad people. We don't always marry in the same background right and their son married you. They know you are part of their family its just that they might need more time with you to be able to trust you or share something very personal.
The people she has asked for advice from are her children so dont feel left out. If there was another bahu she had consulted and deliberately left you out then I get it.
She is simply being cautious and trusting the people she knows so well like her sons and daughter about this. You are her bahu and with time she will trust you also. It will take time, so be patient.
hey look at the bright side, if in future the newly weds have issues and the lady turns out to be a pain in the ass, U did not give an opinion so cant be blamed for anything :D
You shouldn't think negatively. You said you are a newbie in the family so I am sure they just don't have that trust/connection with you that they have with your SIL. That's pretty normal. I remember when I was getting married, I didn't want my new Bhabhi to know anything about it until after it was a done thing. Mine was an arranged marriage. I just didn't know how she'll react to things, or if I could trust her enough. Of course she knew about my rishta but that's it. I am just saying that they need more time with you to be able to build that connection.
Maybe, in the past, your SIL has been really helpful in personal matters hence they told her and asked for her opinion. Wait for your turn to prove yourself that you can handle things good enough too.
Trust me lady, IT IS VERY MUCH NORMAL!!! They should ask for your opinion but if they don't there is NOTHING wrong with that since you are a newbie in the family.
Your background must be different but from what you wrote, doesn't sound like your in-laws are bad people. We don't always marry in the same background right and their son married you. They know you are part of their family its just that they might need more time with you to be able to trust you or share something very personal.
VERY MUCH AGREE!
Don't take it personally, trust is built over time, but they have had no time to build their trust in you.
hey look at the bright side, if in future the newly weds have issues and the lady turns out to be a pain in the ass, U did not give an opinion so cant be blamed for anything :D
^ LOL!
It could backfire as well. Some people like to look for scapegoats when they're upset. She might even blamed for not opening her mouth and warning them in advance.
Key of your post is "I** just recently got married** into a Pakistani family ...."
It just takes some time to get along with the family. Although it would have been a much faster process had your MIL decided to take you on board but dont take it that seriously haan if you have same problem down the road lets say after year or two, then you need to think about it.
well I can see, you been lucky to atleast got some updates from you hubby, i just called one day out of blue my sil ... and she goes.... s Bhai ... today is my engagement!!! ........ and no body including my wife told me about it before hand at all. getting on board is different thing and ignore altogether is entirely different matter. specially when in my in laws, there are no males, no BIL and Fil passed away.
Since then i just accepted them as a family i happened to wed into, nothing more. it may be they dont trust me, or may be we are from different background. or they just want to live away from me.
in your case you are being fed by husband, thats not bad at all. to be part of the whole gang you will need some time with them i guess.
I am lucky enough to be included in decision making (i think so) from my In-laws (i had 2 younger sis in laws) and in fact I was chief investigator for one of the Sali's rishta (jo main nai lerkey sai rishwat lai ker approve ker deya :D) but again this did not happen overnight. They started getting me involved in couple of years after marriage and fact that I am out of Pakistan did not help!
I am in ====> bad yawning mood… thus saving my precious time… and telling you quicly… I say DIL’s are not to be trusted… cause they have the power to poole kholing of secretofying messages…
would you tell everything to your In-Laws? How comfy would you be?
Also, your hubby shares you the info. You should be happy…
^ right.. consider urself lucky 'cause ur husband is filling u in
try to initiate convo. about the topic with your MIL ONLY When your hubby is around and see how it goes....if she still try to avoid the topic then just leave it as it is and dont bother again..
I am a bahu who got married into a family where every other inlaw is from teh family. I also live abroad with my husband while everyone else lives in Pakistan. Initially i felt left out, BILs/SILs didnt want my husband to tell me somethings going on etc etc. Hubs would be on the internet with them and they will ask if i am around before saying something. I felt left out and stuff too but honestly it all takes time. I recently came from a month long trip with them and had a blast. We were all able to spend some time together and they came to know me as a regular person, just like them. Now we chat every day and things are much better than they were in teh first three years of my marriage.
Regarding this particular situation, if your husband has told you things but MIL hasnt, then take the first step. Next time you talk to her, ask her directly, and say, "My husband was telling me about the rishta, how is it going, what does the girl do, etc etc". The feelings you have for them, they might feel the same way about you. So make efforts yourself and give them time. If they dont reciprocate your feelings right away, dont be offended and keep trying. And remember this is all coming from someone who has been there and done that.
Jazakallahu khairan for all your beautiful replies and words of advice. I knew I was just being stupid for making a big deal out of nothing, and knew that I needed some kicking in my head to get it straight.
You're all correct in the sense that because I'm new in the family, it'll probably take time before I get more accepted and trusted in the family. The case with my Gitani is that she's their niece and has been married longer in the family so naturally it makes sense for them to ask her input. And I guess if I don't end up hearing anything from them, I should take the first step and take the initiative to show them my support insha'Allah.
Sister Ira, I felt really bad after hearing your situation in the past and glad to know that it improved over time. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my husband wasn't allowed to tell me family stuff or if they'd ask if I was around. May Allah give us all hidayah. But I'm glad to know that you're fully in the family now!
thus saving my precious time… and telling you quicly… I say DIL’s are not to be trusted… cause they have the power to 
poole kholing of secretofying messages…