I have read many topics here so thought to share my problem and ask for ur help. I have seen many people here with really good advices…so I hope you guys can help me out as well.
I got married last year and have been very happy with my husband but i have this serious issue with his older brother…his older brother was married (only nikah) to my older sister for about 4 years…my sister ended up divorcing him…i can honestly say that my sister tried her best to stay with him…but it wasnt just meant to be…he hurt my family soo much…that whenever i see him now…it reminds me of the pain he had caused my sister and my parents…my sister would cry for days and nights…i just cant forget how much he had hurt my family.
I dont know what to do now…I wont stop my husband from seeing his brother just like he wont stop me from seeing my sister. My sister is married now and very happy with her husband. She has obviously moved on and so has everyone else…its just me who keeps thinking about the past.
Why did you marry the brother of the guy who did this to your family?
Not being sarcastic but seriously, like are you all related?
I would say if you sister is happily married then Allah mian ka shuakr karo key she didnt marry this other bad person. She would have been crying her whole life and there probably would have been implications to your own marriage seeing her so unhappy.
You have to provide yourself the closure you need to move on with your life. Perhaps your husband's brother feels no guilt in what happened. Perhaps he won't even apologize. And perhaps talking to him about the past will ONLY create a huge defensive argument within the family. Just because we feel hurt doesn't mean that the offender will necessarily understand our pain. So, you have to provide your own closure and move on from the situation. You can pray and ask for the strength to move on.
Do you and your husband have a healthy and happy relationship? If so, then why risk damaging it? Is confronting your brother-in-law worth compromising the happiness you have in your current relationship? Are you going to give this LOSER **that much power over you? I'm sure that your sister and your family tried to reason with him in the past....and most likely it didn't help. Some people stubbornly stick to their wrong beliefs and you can't change them. The only thing you can change is how you react to the situation. Getting into an argument with this guy can create problems between you and your in-laws. Is your brother-in-law really **WORTH all this trouble, drama, heartache, and destruction? You KNOW he isn't!
The most important thing is that your sister is now very happy. I'm sure she wants nothing to do with her previous husband. Your sister was the one who suffered the most and she has moved on with her life. And so should you. I don't think **EVEN **your sister would want you to get into any arguments OR lose your peace of mind over such a man.
The** BEST REVENGE** is to be happy and to show the other person that you have moved on and are stronger and happier than before. And that is exactly what your sister is doing. And I think you should do the same. Your husband has never forced you to visit his brother. And this shows that your husband understands your feelings toward your brother. You're fortunate to have such an understanding spouse. Instead of dwelling on the past, make your relationship with your husband and family stronger. They are the most important people in your life. Don't compromise the many joys you can experience in the present and the future for a guy who is not even worth your attention.
Why did you marry the brother of the guy who did this to your family?
Not being sarcastic but seriously, like are you all related?
I would say if you sister is happily married then Allah mian ka shuakr karo key she didnt marry this other bad person. She would have been crying her whole life and there probably would have been implications to your own marriage seeing her so unhappy.
I say joh hota hai behthar hota hai. No worries.
I was already married at that time...our parents wanted us to get a divorce as well...but we both decided to stay together.
You're right...i should be happy that my sister is happily married...mugar mera stupid dimagh hamesha past mein rehta hai :(
You have to provide yourself the closure you need to move on with your life. Perhaps your husband's brother feels no guilt in what happened. Perhaps he won't even apologize. And perhaps talking to him about the past will ONLY create a huge defensive argument within the family. Just because we feel hurt doesn't mean that the offender will necessarily understand our pain. So, you have to provide your own closure and move on from the situation. You can pray and ask for the strength to move on.
Do you and your husband have a healthy and happy relationship? If so, then why risk damaging it? Is confronting your brother-in-law worth compromising the happiness you have in your current relationship? Are you going to give this LOSER **that much power over you? I'm sure that your sister and your family tried to reason with him in the past....and most likely it didn't help. Some people stubbornly stick to their wrong beliefs and you can't change them. The only thing you can change is how you react to the situation. Getting into an argument with this guy can create problems between you and your in-laws. Is your brother-in-law really **WORTH all this trouble, drama, heartache, and destruction? You KNOW he isn't!
The most important thing is that your sister is now very happy. I'm sure she wants nothing to do with her previous husband. Your sister was the one who suffered the most and she has moved on with her life. And so should you. I don't think **EVEN **your sister would want you to get into any arguments OR lose your peace of mind over such a man.
The** BEST REVENGE** is to be happy and to show the other person that you have moved on and are stronger and happier than before. And that is exactly what your sister is doing. And I think you should do the same. Your husband has never forced you to visit his brother. And this shows that your husband understands your feelings toward your brother. You're fortunate to have such an understanding spouse. Instead of dwelling on the past, make your relationship with your husband and family stronger. They are the most important people in your life. Don't compromise the many joys you can experience in the present and the future for a guy who is not even worth your attention.
Thank you so much for this...you're absolutely right...i shouldnt give him so much power over me...i am VERY HAPPY with my husband...he is the nicest guy u can ever meet...not forcing anything on me...he can make me meet his brother but he doesnt...alot of the times whenever they get together they always go out so i dont have to see his brother...he understands that but shouldnt i make my feelings go away so he can meet his brother at his own house?
The only one who can control your dimagh is you, sweetie. As Muslims, we're told to avoid anger. So it's the shaitan who is forcing you to dwell on the past and make the anger consume you to no end. Don't let the Shaitan win. And don't let your brother-in-law win.
You must have a lot of free time if you're thinking about him. Every time he comes to mind, change your thoughts. Get up, do wuzu, and pray namaz. Or read the Quraan. Keep yourself busy with positive activities such as spending time with your husband, cooking, shopping, talking to friends, doing volunteer work, pursuing a hobby, taking a class, traveling, etc.
We all can advise you to move on, but the only who can really do it...is YOU. He's not even worth anybody's thoughts. Save your mental energy and thoughts for someone who is WORTHY of them. It seems like you have an understanding husband who doesn't force you to communicate or meet with his brother. Do you think talking to your husband about your feelings will help? Maybe talking to him will help you feel lighter because he experienced the family problems as well. What do you u think?
You are very sensitive person. Nothing wrong with it. Your sister got over it and moved on so will you. It will take some time. If you get some negative thoughts about this BIL of yours just say Lahol wala quwwat and try to divert your mind to some positive thoughts and some happy memories.
The only one who can control your dimagh is you, sweetie. As Muslims, we're told to avoid anger. So it's the shaitan who is forcing you to dwell on the past and make the anger consume you to no end. Don't let the Shaitan win. And don't let your brother-in-law win.
You must have a lot of free time if you're thinking about him. Every time he comes to mind, change your thoughts. Get up, do wuzu, and pray namaz. Or read the Quraan. Keep yourself busy with positive activities such as spending time with your husband, cooking, shopping, talking to friends, doing volunteer work, pursuing a hobby, taking a class, traveling, etc.
We all can advise you to move on, but the only who can really do it...is YOU. He's not even worth anybody's thoughts. Save your mental energy and thoughts for someone who is WORTHY of them. It seems like you have an understanding husband who doesn't force you to communicate or meet with his brother. Do you think talking to your husband about your feelings will help? Maybe talking to him will help you feel lighter because he experienced the family problems as well. What do you u think?
I want to talk to my husband about this but i feel i will hurt his feelings...he has never said or done anything to hurt my feelings..so i dont have the right to hurt him either.
Okay, then, how about this idea: If you can't talk to your husband, talk to your sister. Your sister was the one who went through the MOST PAIN with this guy. In fact, your sister has the MOST RIGHT to be hurt. BUT she moved on and is happier than ever. So, ask your sister how she was able to move on. It took a lot of courage for her to move past all the hurt. How did she do it? Getting married again helped her a little bit. But you know what? It takes MORE THAN A SECOND MARRIAGE to move on from the past. So, talk to your sister so she can tell you how she did it and what made her move on.
Okay, then, how about this idea: If you can't talk to your husband, talk to your sister. Your sister was the one who went through the MOST PAIN with this guy. In fact, your sister has the MOST RIGHT to be hurt. BUT she moved on and is happier than ever. So, ask your sister how she was able to move on. It took a lot of courage for her to move past all the hurt. How did she do it? Getting married again helped her a little bit. But you know what? It takes MORE THAN A SECOND MARRIAGE to move on from the past. So, talk to your sister so she can tell you how she did it and what made her move on.
you're right...i have to talk to her about this...i guess this is the only option i have now
Why did you marry him if you knew how the family was?
btw if you married only a year ago, your sister got divorced and married within a year? amazing
His family is very nice...its just my brother in law...the word loser doesnt even begin to describe this guy
My sister's divorced was finalized last year in May and she got married in December.
^Sara, she didn't know that her husband's family was like that. You can't predict all the problems that are going to take place with your in-laws before marriage. You learn more about people after living with them. And it's not her husband or his parents that are the problem. It's the husband's brother who was the problem.
As for her sister getting remarried again soon after her divorce, I think it's a good thing especially since the second marriage is happier one. It's challenging for divorced women to get married in desi culture because divorce is seen as such a stigma. It's nice that things worked out for her :)
hmm okay. as long as the family (ie the parents) are good ot you, that's a very big plus point..ur better off than alot fo girls. if she's moved on then why cant u?
Try not to ever show your feelings to your husband or even his brother. You husband brother may relate your feelings to your husband so just keep it to yourself.
Your husband's brother should not be your problem anymore.
Your sister is happy, thats good. Even talking to her may bring her past memory. So not good either.
Essentially, these are your **feelings. Negative feelings. And you have to deal with them **alone. Sharing with others in family may bring more problems but nothing good.
Nothing should stop you for being gentle and nice or at least indifferent to your husband's brother since he is still his brother. You don't have to go extra mile to make his brother happy.
^ I think talking to the sister will be a good idea. Just because something happened from the past, doesn't mean you should run away from it. You should face it bravely, learn a lesson from it, and move on. That is what her sister has done. She has made a happy life for herself with her second husband. The sister will NEVER be able to forget the past. You can't forget your past. Nobody can forget their past. It's not possible. The past shapes us into who we are today. You can only move on from the past. And since her sister has been able to do that.....she can give advice to Brain on how she can move on as well.
^If the sister had failed to move on, she wouldn't have remarried and found the happiness she has today. She hasn't forgotten what happened but she's shown strength in getting past it. And that's what Brain needs. She needs the same strength her sister had. So her sister would be a good person to talk to in the hopes of finding that strength.
I think you're in a delicate situation but also a lucky one Brain. Delicate because you dont want to give your husband the idea that his brother is affecting/hurting your marriage and lucky because it seems as if it hasnt. I would advise you not to upset that balance.
Maybe you're looking for closure and to a certain extent, that may not be possible because its your sister's life and she has chosen to close that chapter forever. I know RV suggested talking to your sister but I feel that may not be the best route. The reason I say this is because Im sure your sister had to brave the worst part of that storm didnt she? It sounds like she was emotionally wounded and went through a lot. Now that she is married and has a life of her own, dont remind her of that era. It will pain her more then you know. I know she wants to forget it and when she is ready to talk about it, she will bring it up on her own.
The thing is, your husband isnt forcing you to have a relationship with your BIL...so I cant even say 'tell your husband to stop being insensitive'. He is being very careful of your feelings while also maintaining a relationship with his sibling. If you say something about not wanting to see his brother ever, it might cause problems between you two...its his brother after all...kwim?
When you're alone...think about the benefits of talking about this and the drawbacks. Will a discussion with your husband or sister do more good or bad? List them if you need to so you can clearly see the pros and cons.
IMHO somethings are better left unsaid and are meant to stay that way. Meaning, both parties are trying to move on with their lives and you should try your level best to encourage that...dont bring the past back up...let it stay there. Remember at the end of the day, this entire ordeal was your sister's...and if she can get past it...so can you.
I don't understand why parents agree on having their kids marry in the same family.
I mean I know of one live example. I know two cousins who got married to each other. Their problems are never ending. The parents do not talk to each other anymore. So it's all in ONE family and no one is talking.
I mean just this one example is good enough for me to conclude not to have married within family.
What makes it STUPID is, now the brother or sister is also married into the SAME family. How ridiculous is that?
Simple and SINGLE marriages are already enough to cause problems and now you have to deal with brother/sister who is married into the same family.
I am glad me and my family rejected another proposal - where they wanted to swap their son/daughter with me and my brother. eeeeeeewwwwwwwww I would never agree to this situational marriage because if I have a problem with my hubby, then it will DEFINITELY AFFECT my brother's life too.