So my Mom. I’ve written before about her difficulties…we love and cherish her but she can be difficult for sure. She has this nasty demeanor that gets worse and worse. Never have we (her family) said anything to her, we only give as much love and support and we can. I’ve inwardly cringed so many times when out in public with her when she gets her “nasty” out lol but most of the time, people just deal with it.
Anyway, I gave my daily call to mom today and she was all upset. She bought a pair of sunglasses in her local mall last summer. The arm broke and she went back there today to see about having them fixed. I can just see how things went, she probably spoke to the salesguy like he he was some lowlife who planned to cheat her and have the glasses break. So the salesguy told her “Lady, those sunglasses were not purchased here. And with an attitude like yours, I wouldnt dream of fixing them anyway.” and he turned away.
OMG. my poor mom, she sounded so very hurt. Yet, I can picture the whole thing and even though the salesguy was so very rude he wasnt wrong either (I know exactly how nasty and condescending mom can be )
As much as I want to protect her from all hurt, I wish she could understand how nasty she can be, how put off people can get when faced with her attitude. Tone of voice, facial expressions…these are SO important when interacting with people.
No :(. I told her not to worry, the guy was prob having a bad day and since she lives in the south, he prob didnt like her "yankee" accent.
Yup, I'm wimpy....I should have told her that her tone of voice can sound pretty darn mean...but when I heard her being so sad over the whole thing, all I could do was try to make her feel better.
I think I did actually make her feel better but did more harm than good there.
U def did more damage. Mebbe clearing it up wud have helped . But now throwing the load off in the wrong direction, u set her thinking on the wrong lines too.
Nonetheless, u can cajole her into taking some1 alongwith her for any outdoor stuff, so the talking is done by the other one and she's baq home wid a smile.
The best thing you can, which will probably seem totally inappropriate to you, is talk to her the way she speaks to others. And i know it may be rude and disrespectful but it will get your point across. My uncle did what your mum does, he has no social skills whatesoever and was a total sh** at times. My aunty and kids for a week treat him the way he treated other people, i.e tone of voice, disgusting language etc. and suprisingly it got the point across, i mean it raised hell because he was so pissed at the way he was being spoken to but he eventually realised what was happening. I cant say hes completely changed (miracles dont happen over night) but he has sobered up emotionally a lot, hes much nicer to talk to and he has definetly improved. maybe even suggest some sort of counceling, i know things like this are hard to put across with desis but its definetly worth a try. i hope things work out okay for you!
mamaof3 dont feel bad, we cant always protect the ones we love, only make them feel better, which it seems you did right?
you should really consider talking to your mum though and trying to get her to see how other people may perceive her to be.
my dad isnt too good in social situations either, and can come across pretty rude, but when we try and tell him, he gets angry. i think there are lots of people who can relate to you, dont feel bad
Aww thats sad. You know what, I've noticed that alot of people as they get older just become mean and cranky. And there's not much that you could do to stop that or change it. My grandmother for example, she was and still is such a lovely person, but I find that sometimes when out in public or talking to people about things that she doesnt really understand or that are new or foreign to her, she starts getting really rude. Back in the day, she'd be excited by it or curious to learn, but not anymore. By being mean, she's trying to exert her power and show that she still knows all.
Lets not forget, they're old and theyve been through alot in life, and sometimes loneliness, aches and pains, side effects to medication bitter memories just take a toll and make a person act in certain ways they themselves are not even conscious of or cant control.
Let's not forget that the world in which they grew up no longer exists and they're struggling to fit in and keep up. Alot of them have lost loved ones which include siblings, their own parents, and some have even lost their spouses.
I wish you the best, and I hope mamaof3 that your mama is in better spirits now :)
My dad is very magnanimous person but he doesn't always chose his words wisely. He tends to be very blunt and even though most of the time he is right about people, it is rude and hurtful to point out all their flaws. It drives my mom nuts because she is the complete opposite - passive and soft-spoken.
Mom and I usually try our best to explain to him that what he says to people can be very condescending. He usually at first reacts very defensively, but we try to keep a calm and kind tone. It does not help to blame the the problem on the sales guy or some other person. That will only encourage her and tell her that there is nothing wrong with her behavior, and that does only make things worse.
Indeed he was rude, but if she had been polite from the start it wouldn't have triggered that reaction from him. I know how embarrassing and painful it can be to see your parents do things like that, but you have to try to kindly explain to them that what they say and do hurts other people.
I can definitely see where this behavior stems from in my dad. He is the oldest of 8 and his father (my grandfather) passed away when dad was only 16. There is always usually a reason for this kind of a bitter attitude toward life. Maybe try telling her a positive quote or something cheerful everyday? If she is feeling happier overall and satisfied with life, her attitude toward others might positively change as well.
Even though my dad is at an age now where he cannot change his habits, he has improved in the past few years.
If your mom is a religious lady, why not try explaining to her from an Islamic point of view the importance of good Akhlaq (manners)? There is an extraordinary amount of Hadiths and verses from the Quran that you could reference - maybe just throw it out there randomly when you call her.
Mamaof3, I don't think you can change your mom at this point. She has lived a certain way all her life and it's hard to change.
I can picture one of my parents in your mom's position. In my case, trying to point any flaws blows up in my face because...well for many reasons, ego being one of them.
Perhaps someday you can 'complain' to her about how some 'other' woman was condescending to you and how that hurt you...maybe you can make her indirectly understand the she too behaves the same way. I don't think a direct talk would work.
Aww thats sad. You know what, I've noticed that alot of people as they get older just become mean and cranky. And there's not much that you could do to stop that or change it. My grandmother for example, she was and still is such a lovely person, but I find that sometimes when out in public or talking to people about things that she doesnt really understand or that are new or foreign to her, she starts getting really rude. Back in the day, she'd be excited by it or curious to learn, but not anymore. By being mean, she's trying to exert her power and show that she still knows all.
Lets not forget, they're old and theyve been through alot in life, and sometimes loneliness, aches and pains, side effects to medication bitter memories just take a toll and make a person act in certain ways they themselves are not even conscious of or cant control.
Let's not forget that the world in which they grew up no longer exists and they're struggling to fit in and keep up. Alot of them have lost loved ones which include siblings, their own parents, and some have even lost their spouses.
I wish you the best, and I hope mamaof3 that your mama is in better spirits now :)
Such a nice post.
Mama of three I can feel your pain but Alhamdolillah I didn't have that kid of any parent but for couples of week happened to live with that kind of person when visited Pakistan.
We are here to share your pain. You know what you have to give time to her as skilett said old ppl become like that our quran also says that too. Old ppl become so impatient.
In my opnion you guys have to give her time. as someone suggested go for a walk with her. That is a good idea. Also find friend for her to spend time with your mom. Lonliness will make her worst.
Once my grand mother was staying with us in her last months before dying I use to take her to my neighbour on a wheel chair and that use to make her happy. She was not like your mom. But in my opinion it would help her.
I do think you did the right think though. When I come elderly people, I do try to be nice to them even if they're rude. Im hoping someone out there will do the same for mine when they get on in years and try to maintain some sort of independance and control through their "tough" attitude or demeanor.
Its okay Mama, just continue what you're doing. Im sure she appreciates it even if she doesnt show it a lot.
)