I’m lucky and feel blessed to have been happily married for just over a year now to a lovely man. Whilst we live separately to his family we are there pretty much all evenings/weekends. Obviously adjusting to a new family has its ups and downs but my main frustration this last year has been my sister in law- his younger sister. She can be sullen, moody, argumentative, territorial of her brother/ other family and whilst I’ve tried to get along with her she just acts very snide towards me. It’s upsetting because I feel like I am getting closer to everyone else in the family but not with her. Before the wedding we seemed to really get on well. We’re both very different people- not much in common and if I’m honest I’ve stopped trying now because she acts like a bit of a spoilt brat and it got the stage where I was really upset with her antics. She’s best friends with her other sister in law and pretty much ignores me. At the minute we’re barely speaking apart from exchanging pleasantries and having talked to my husband about it he says he’s starting to resent her- which is not what I want.
How can I overcome this- anyone ever been in the same situation? Help!!
One of my friends had this same problem with her SIL, although there were different reasons why ( my friend came from a very very different background as she was a convert.)
Try talking upfront to the SIL and try not to attack/blame/etc her - just ask her what the matter is and whether she is upset with you. Might as well openly ask her rather than just both be petty without knowing why you're behaving like that.
At the end of the day, you have to live in that house, she may view you as a stranger still unless you take the first step.
I'd suggest another approach. Be polite to her but don't try too hard to please her. Sometimes people realize what they're missing when you just ignore 'em.
Well this is frustrating but I am afraid you cant do much when she has decided to ignore you when she is friends with the other bhabi. What you musn't do anyway is kan bharo your husband against his sister. Whatever it be, he is not going to appreciate it in the long run as blood is thicker than water and what if this SIL issue starts to affect your relationship with your husband which sounds very accomplishing ma sha Allah.
Leave the SIL on her own. If its her choice to be good to one and snide to another, let it be. Dont expect her to be friendly and all that with you when she doesnt want to be. Be as good and courteous to her as you would be to any of your ILS or even to any stranger. I hope she realizes the inequality of her behaviour between two SILS of hers, but even if she doesnt, dont bother and let her be on your nerves.
I feel like I am getting closer to everyone else in the family but not with her.
We’re both very different people- not much in common
we’re barely speaking apart from exchanging pleasantries
Honestly, based on the 3 statements above....I have no idea what the problem is. As long as she's not being disrespectful/rude to you, then that should be enough. Just b/c you married her brother, doesn't mean she needs to become your best friend. You wrote yourself that you two don't have much in common. She obviously has a lot more in common with the other SIL.
Not every single person in that family is going to be close to you....nor do they really need to be. But since you feel that you're becoming closer to everyone else....stay focused on that. Exchange pleasantries with this SIL...and let it go.
The ONLY time this needs to become an issue big enough to warrant a discussion with your husband is if the SIL is rude or disrespectful towards you. And according to what you wrote, that has not happened so far.
** On a side note: The SIL has been in that family since birth. Since you and your hubby choose to go to the house almost every evening/weekend, you're the new person in this situation. It's normal
for a girl to feel jealous in this situation. Not only is she having to share her brother with you now....she's also having to share her parents with you almost every evening/weekend. Question: THe other SIL that she's best friends with....does that SIL live with them OR are they over there almost every evening/weekend too?
She may have some issues with adjusting to a big new part of her brothers life and with time as long as she isn't doing batameezee, she might open up to you. The other sil shes close to might have more history together and she may have gone through the same. Perhaps the three of you could do something together once or twice a month so she can start letting her guard down.
His sister is not obligated to like you. I understand that may sound harsh, and I don't intend to offend you, but it's true. Just because some of his family members like you, doesn't mean that they all will. Consider yourself fortunate that most of them DO like you....cuz it could be worse.
You don't have to love or even like someone to respect them. That said, I would suggest that you continue being civil/respectful to your SIL. Greet her when you see her...ask her how she is.....compliment her when you sincerely mean it....wish her well when the occasion calls for it....offer your help when the occasion calls for it. That's just he usual/basic stuff. Don't bend over backwards to connect with her....because human nature is such that we (men and women) tend to get turned off by people who try way too hard. Not saying that you do that...but it tends to backfire. Having some limits for yourself, whilst also being courteous.....maintains your dignity in your eyes and those of others. With time...she may cool down or she may not. Either way, just be normal....cuz treating her in the same exact way that she treats you is not gonna help matters.
Personally, from experience.. no matter how NICE you are, she'll probably just have the same attitude. So just mark your boundary and just stay respectful and cordial. Don't be confrontational and don't run after her.. the more you do that, the more she'll get fiesty towards you. If it bugs you that much, I would just minimize interactions to usual salaam, duaa's and thats it! Once she see's the change in attitude, she'll want to know what happened and maybe she'll realize her wrongdoings.
Sometimes u just have to stoop down to the other persons level to make them realize what they are putting you through!
Hey everyone,
Thanks for all the replies- some good suggestions.
For those of you who asked, my sister in law is 23. The other daughter in law of the house lives with the family and is a full time mum, whereas my hubby and I both work full time and have our own place about 20minutes away. We are both quite independent but I like to spend time with my in laws.
It's hard to explain the attitude I get from my SIL without giving examples and getting petty but I think she is disrespectful- I don't feel like she treats me with any kind of respect and even my husband has picked up on occasion that she is deliberately sidelining me from conversation or acting uppity.
Right now I think that confronting her would be a bad idea and it's so hard not to kan bharo my husband because it's frustrating!
I think she probably secretly likes you but is a bit jealous. Or, it could be that she was very close to her brother and isn't able to digest that he's married now and cannot give her the time and attention he used to earlier on.
It's very typical behavior. But you be the big one and let it go. Remember that you can never replace his sister [not that you're trying to], and she cannot replace his wife [probably not trying to do that either] but often times some party does get insecure. It'll be OK. Be who you are but don't try too hard.
She has good relationship with her otherSILs & she is only disliking you, that means there is some reason behind it, try to figure out that reason .... if not then you can't get along with everyone out there, so as PCG said leave her alone......