This may come to many of you as silly but its becomming a real problem for me and I was wondering if anyone else shared this ‘fear.’
As most of you know I’ve a 18 month son; a treasure by all definitions. But I’ve been seeing some really harsh treatments from older children towards parents.
I’ve seen sons(and daughters) leaving grief stricken parents to live alone; I’ve seen kids leaving parents for a love marriage and just situations were you can cut the tension between parents and offsprings with a knife.
That time is far far away for me but I constantly find myself depressed or worried thinking about when it’ll be my turn. My mother says to raise my son with all the love possible and leave the rest to Allah, I just can’t seem to shake this off though?
I have fears as well ... but for other reasons. I don't worry about what you mentioned, at least not yet.
I want him to grow up to be a responsible individual and know that there are consequences for all his actions. Too many mothers raise their sons to be little princes, and they carry the King like Ego around for the remainder of their lives ... which leads them to damage themselves but they are unable to see it cause the ego and sense of "me me me" is in the way. That's my concern.
I totally agree with Mehnaz… you know , this fear is very genuine … but the best you can do is , raise him to be a good muslim, be his friend when he is a teen , try to influence him but never force him … Just try never to be at a point of conflict .. the best way to ignore that is by giving him a strong sense of responsibility , his decisions will steer his life and you are there to pray for his well being and to encourage him constantly to live by the good values. Have faith in your upbringing
When you see children grow up to avoid their parents and/or break their hearts, its usually because the parents are rigid, demading and uncaring about the happiness of their offspring. Forced marriage and forced career are at the top of the list. Using guilt as a motivator comes in at a close 2nd. Never tell your child that you gave your life and sacrificed everything for them.
Know your children. Let them follow their interests and their dreams. Raise them with love and understanding, never forget that you are their parent, not their friend. As a parent, the job is to guide and teach them to be independent and good people, not to do the every bidding of the parent and to be the endlessly grateful servant of the parent. If its a caretaker you want for your old age then go off to work, save your money in an IRA and hire a caretaker.
Muniya, the only thing I can think of (at the moment) is not allow him to get away with something if he does something wrong. I honestly don't know what the correct action is, but this is a genuine fear I have. Being responsible is one thing, knowing there are consequences for bad behaviour is another thing altogether.
Mehnaz, when a child learns that there are consequences for bad behavior, this is the first step in learning how to be a responsible person. So you're definitely on the right track.
Its not that I want a caretaker; but when you see children leaving thier parents who due to whatever bad decisions haven't been able to provide themselves with proper care; what does that show about the relationship between the two generations?!
Allah maaf karai but if you see a completely non related person in pain IE neighbor or whatever; you do what you can to help them. Mujai samaj nahee atha how kids walk away frorm this responsibility? And I fear that oneday I'll have to go through the same thing. I dont think its the lack of physical support that would kill me but rather the emotional attachment that isnt there.
Thanks guys; I'm really really really glad I opened this thread.
Muniya, the ones who abandon their responsibilities as a spouse/child and even Parent, are the ones who have the selfish gene .... watch for those selfish tendencies, but our boys are way too small right now. Encourage him to be kind to others and help others from a young age. That's what I plan on doing too. Also, discuss with him the consequence of being selfish ... how it affects everybody around him, including himself. It's not just about abandoning your parents, being selfish and not thinking of others can seriously affect other areas of their lives too. Friendships, relationships, work, etc.
I admit, I already study my son to see if he has a sense of empathy. Cause if he has no sense of empathy, then I'm i'm big trouble - and he will be in big trouble too in his adult life.
Mehnaz, you made a great point. All children are selfish to one degree or another. But the ability to empathize is really essential. Explaining to really young kids and having them tell you how they would feel in different situations is a great exercise in building this trait. When they take a toy away from a smaller child, its not time to just scold them but a time to teach them. "How would YOU feel if I took YOUR toy away from you? You would be sad and angry right? Wouldnt you want it back and wouldnt you want the other kid to say sorry?". This way, they arent exactly punished but they typically do feel bad but learn how to make amends.
I may be generalising but I have seen it too often that selfish parents tend to have selfish children. Parents serve as role models for their children and how we handle our relations really reflects in our children's behaviour. It's so easy tell a child if s/he is doing something wrong but it's very difficult to show what's right by our own actions!
I was going to say what CA already did.....so thanks CA for reading my mind.
Mama always has great advice so we are all in good hands when she is around.
My additional two cents......
live the way you want your children to live.
do rather than preach. show them that a good life is not lived alone
you see someone in need, take the time to reach out to them.
if you live isolated from your elders then take on a volunteer activity at the nursing home nearby and expose your kids to folks that will apreciate having some company.
regardless of how the world treats you, have a good natured approach towards the world.
expect the worst but always deliver your best.
think back to all the times that we disagreed with our parents......we thought we knew better.......and now reflect on how many things in the past 12 months you have come to realize they were always right about.
our children will go through the same cycle of realization.......don't worry.
if you're afraid they'll grow up with no sense of consequence, then let them learn about consequences when they're old enough to understand. let them take a few falls and figure things out for themselves. you'll be giving them a huge step-up in dealing with situations responsibly even if it is painful for you to stand by and see them struggle.
Give him love and I know u have oodles and oodles to give. Teach him the difference between right and wrong and hold his hand when he needs it and if he stumbles, make sure u catch him and just leave it to ALLAH. There r children who take care of their parents and some just see their parents as an obligation. As parents, our job is to love them uncondtionally and raise them with love, care, understandin and trust as best as possible because it makes us parents happy. Children should not be raised as an investment for the sake of security in our old age.
