My brother has always been a bully. Sometimes physical and sometimes verbal abuse. Mind you Im a female, I was the kid always with the cut and scraps, even at one point had stitches, because he hated me so much, pushed me down flight of stairs over some argument (it was no accident as I remember it). Im not trying to be victim here, but the only thing my parents did was scold him growing up, since he did not have major consequences for his actions, he continues to treating me this way.
Now that we have grown, my brother asked me to pay half of the bills to support my aging parents, which I obliged, until I started supporting the whole family because my older brother got involved in drugs. I just told my parents I was moving out, I could not deal with his drugs, his bullying, and I would still help my parents but just cant live there anymore. Biggest relief of my life.
Then I got engaged last yr, I told my parents and my other siblings that I would be paying for my own mehendi, shaadi and valima. My parents insisted for paying for shaadi dinner, at first I was hesitant but I just gave in because my parents wanted to do something nice for me, and its an izzat mamla so I agreed.
In 3 weeks, Im getting married. My other siblings behind my back asked everyone to contribute to shaadi dinner, and they asked my older brother to help. Yesterday, my older brother called me up cursing, calling me names, and he said he is not giving me a dime until I get on my knees and “bheeg magna”, because I ruined his life by moving out. I am in total shock that the person who has bullied me my life has the audacity to tell me I ruined his life.
I called my lil brother crying…because Im stressed with other shaadi issues. Don’t feel like facing my older brother’s demons all over again before my shaadi. I moved out to avoid his wrath. I told my mom too, all she could say to me “you know how he is”, and just acted like his phone call was no big deal.
How do I cope with his bizarre bipolar druggy behavior when my parents actually enbable it? I just want to tell my parents they are not paying for dinner. and I also want to get a restraining order against my brother.
Re: Family member is a Bully
Wow, what a horrible situation. I would say that as best as you can, just focus on YOUR wedding and YOUR day, you are about to start a new life, do it positively. Leave your baggage behind. At some point you just have to cut your losses and move on. Tell your brother that you don't want him to be a part of your life, EVER. After that, if your family pays for any events, accept it as a gesture from your family and move on. Ignore your loser brother.
Re: Family member is a Bully
Rstar... I think moving out was the smartest decision for you. Being around someone like that only enables them to do further harm.. and removing yourself from the problem is the first step.
Now... there are 2 possiblities..
If your famliy really really wants to pay for the dinner.. and I know how desi parents can be, You tell them that you don't need a single dime from him, you actually don't want him to contribute at all. So whatever amount everyone else comes up with you will cover the difference.
Or the other way, you can pay for all of it. But I think that the first option is better since it allows your family members who actually care to be a part of the wedding too.
Keep fighting :)
Re: Family member is a Bully
I agree with aahmed !
Plus, have a conversation with your parents. Ask them to NOT involve your brother in your wedding. Don’t ask for money from him and don’t even let him attend your wedding functions. Because I feel that he will do some drama on your wedding events too. In short ask your parents to cut him out completely. If they don’t agree then thank them for being so kind to host the wedding dinner and also tell them that you can not accept it since you don’t want to spoil your mood and the biggest event of your life over someone to whom you do not mean anything and who has been abusing you all your life.
I wish you a happy marriage 
Re: Family member is a Bully
thank you everyone for their ideas/support. I have been crying for 2 days because (Im also mad at myself) I let my guard down when he called me, I was really nice to him because I assumed people would be happy for me, i was dead wrong and stupid, I let my guard down. he cursed me called me all these names. To sum it up, its like a verbal assault tape recorder in my head that keeps playing over and over again, and all of it seems like monstrous drug related anger issues. That makes me upset even more is that my family doesnt see it as a big deal. somebody has to drag this psychopath in a nut house (pagal khana) or rehab to make him kick his drug habits. I told my family he is so unpredictable with his anger issues, aik din he is going to murder you in your sleep over a small arguement, then all of you will take me seriously. Ticking time bomb! No joke. There is a difference between minor desi dramabazy vs. psychopath demaag karab pagals that need to on meds. Nobody should have to put up w/ pyscho bullying. I have decided to cut him out of my life until he seeks help (dont know if he ever will). I stand by my decision.
Re: Family member is a Bully
RSTAR congrats on ur marriage and hope everything works out for you
Re: Family member is a Bully
Your mother probably doesnt know how to handle the situation. She probably feels helpless as well, forgive her. And ignore your brother.
Your getting married iA, focus on the new phase of your life.
Re: Family member is a Bully
Ignore him...pretend he is vapor.
Thats what I would do.
Re: Family member is a Bully
I was going to suggest a restraining order , but you yourself mentioned it. That is a good idea. Be on the lookout for him and move away from him as far as you can .
May Allah be have mercy on you and shower you with Allah's blessings. Ameen.
Re: Family member is a Bully
Write him a divorce letter and get a restarining order. Cut down all contact.
Re: Family member is a Bully
sounds like its your parents fault, they should have dealt with him years ago, properly. now he needs help, proffesional help. he doesnt sound like a normal dude who just used to have fights with siblings, most do, but he sounds like he needs help. he needed it years ago, sorry but its ur mum and dad who should have done something. i think you need to tell them that.
Re: Family member is a Bully
Please go ahead and get a restraining order against him. No one in the world can treat you like a punchbag. He's your bro, tough. Just because he's related to you doesn't mean he can get away from things.
Re: Family member is a Bully
thank you everyone for their ideas/support. I have been crying for 2 days because (Im also mad at myself) I let my guard down when he called me, I was really nice to him because I assumed people would be happy for me, i was dead wrong and stupid, I let my guard down. he cursed me called me all these names. To sum it up, its like a verbal assault tape recorder in my head that keeps playing over and over again, and all of it seems like monstrous drug related anger issues. That makes me upset even more is that my family doesnt see it as a big deal. somebody has to drag this psychopath in a nut house (pagal khana) or rehab to make him kick his drug habits. I told my family he is so unpredictable with his anger issues, aik din he is going to murder you in your sleep over a small arguement, then all of you will take me seriously. Ticking time bomb! No joke. There is a difference between minor desi dramabazy vs. psychopath demaag karab pagals that need to on meds. Nobody should have to put up w/ pyscho bullying. I have decided to cut him out of my life until he seeks help (dont know if he ever will). I stand by my decision.
Gosh you sound a bit like me :( It can be so hard to blank things out at times. It does hurt I know esp when parents aren't able to control their child from an early age. Cut off all ties with him and try to move on. Do you want a psycho at ur wedding?
Re: Family member is a Bully
I applaud you for being able to support yourself (not only financially, but mentally!)
Dont punish your family for your brothers actions. Yes, do let them know they are not handling him the way they should though. But if your family wants to take part and pitch in for the shaadi dinner, let them do so, but let them know you would want them doing it only if they do not involve him. If I were you I would tell the parents and other siblings to not even tell him about the wedding venue/dates/time. Whatever it will take to avoid his presence at your wedding. You dont want to let him ruin that day. But dont punish the rest bc of him.