so long story short, we have major issues with my khala who is married to my chachu. My family did a LOT of favors for them to help them get established but they were naashukray and batameez and my father cut of contact with them. Now whenever my uncle sees us (we live in the same general area) he cusses my father (who is older) out in PUBLIC. And we just found out that theyve been bad mouthing us to the general community here, including a few people who have sent rishtas for me (I don’t know how they found out about those). Of course, now my parents are worried sick about the implications this is gonna have on the future of me and my siblings …and I’m stressed because I feel like my family is the only one sick and twisted enough to try to go out of the way to ruin people’s lives…
I’m not desperate or anything so I keep telling myself that if people are dumb enough to believe the lies blindly then they’re not worth it, but my relatives really ARE going out of their way to portray me and my family as the bad guy…
I don’t even know why I’m writing this all here but I"m so frustrated!
It's just one uncle that's like this right? Other siblings of your mom and dad get along with your family, right? You have family friends who have good opinions about you, right?
You and other relatives (your dad's other siblings who support him) can attempt to have a civil discussion with your uncle again. We all make mistakes and it may appease your uncle if others were to apologize for anything they said/did that was perceived as hurtful/offensive. This could soften your uncle and aunt up. And (if they have daugthers/sons) of their own...remind them gently how negative talk can affect their future and that it isn't fair as the conflict is between the elders and does not and should not affect the "kids."
If reasoning with them doesn't work....just continue treating them with respect. Don't say negative things about them to people/family friends within the community. Your family's positive actions and words should negate your uncle and aunt's gossiping. Take the higher road...and it will become clear to people that you guys are more decent. Don't confirm their gossip about you with negative actions. Contradict it and make it seem that the problem is with them. And I know it can be easier said than done sometimes...but put your faith in Allah. He's got a plan for everyone.
unfortunately my other uncles are very "hands off", they refuse to get involved because my khala is the super batameez sort and so everyone's trying to save their izzat. Plus things are overly complicated by the fact that this whole feud is over $$ and property that's passed down as an inheritance; my uncle feels like he's entitled to $$ that is actually my brother's and mine and has even gone so far as to take us to court over it (he lost the case miserably and was scolded by the judge for lying and having NO case). So...the whole thing's a mess...
My parents have stopped socializing with a lot of people because of the horrible things my aunt and uncle say about us to everyone. It gets brought up and my parents, who were already devastated when they found out their own flesh and blood would take family things to court, dont' want to deal with it. The other day we found out that my uncle went to my dad's best friend's store that he owns RANDOMLY and said stuff about my character and my dad's character and called my mom some unspeakable things. Thank GOD for that bf because he let my uncle have it and shamed him for even thinking he could come to him and say things like that.
I'm just disturbed because theyre spreading things to people that are coming for rishtas...that would explain why some people have been disappearing all of a sudden. My family other than this bad seed is fine, but this begheiraat family won't stop and this whoel arranged process puts so much emphasis on family background (as do my parents, that's an important criteria for the guy) that it has all of us worried now. :/
Are these recent events? IF they are, they're still fresh and it won't be good to say or do anything in response.
Keep a low profile, don't react and let this blow over.
Your handling of the situation will dictate how much people will believe your aunt and uncle. Every family has a bad seed but does that mean the whole crop is bad? No.
for rishta…you need to be upfront and tell the other party that they might get to hear some BS from them…
as for community… the best thing is to be on the ‘offensive’…not like…talking **** about them too…but like…to whatever person they say bull****…you need to talk to that person…openly
i know its very very difficult to do that for non-confrontational and shareef people to go around and defend themselves…you feel like…whatever i am not going to do it like them…if someone wants to think bad about me..let them… lets just shut p…
this approach actually makes you cutoff from people and the ‘dushman party ’ has actually got what they set out for…isolating you.
so… you got to keep socializing and set the record straight whenever there is any mention of the issues involved.
I also have similar problem. We also face some rift with few of my relatives (e.g. my chacha whose whole family is angry with my family on turning down the rishta of his son). We plan on telling the future in-laws about the family politics and rift in our extended family as soon as we are about to finalise the rishta so that my in-laws are aware of everything and they are prepared when they hear BS from anyone. I guess every family has some problems, some of us have bigger issues and therefore we need to be clear and honest to the families where we plan on getting married. Educated and good families will understand the situation and will accept us with all our positives and negatives. After all, we should be more important to them than our extended families.
I had a similar problem, probably not as big as yours, or coming from such a prominent member of the family. Nevertheless, this relative was putting me down in front of everyone every time she went to social events. However, this did not hinder anything - I got a very very good rishta, which put a spanner in her works.
What I’m trying to get at, is that it doesn’t matter if people put you down in front of others - it just shows a bad reflection on the person making those comments - in your case, your uncle. Try not to stress too much about it because nobody can hinder the plans of Allah, and he is the best of planners.
Now cheer up - I’m sure your prince charming won’t want you frowning.
yeah you are right. That is the approach that we are taking now. First we were very careful about mentioning that we did not talk to my aunt anymore but on Eid we realized that my aunt had told everyone in the masjid we went to (I was away for school so hadn’t really been in a masjid gathering again till Eid) about how WE sued them and kicked them out of THEIR house (LOLS that house belongs to us), we finally decided we were gonna be upfront bout it and if anyone asked, just to tell them what went on. It sucsk though, but it really does make me feel like there’s something wrong with my family. And I wonder if other people think that way too when they’re approaching for a rishta. Like what a headache this family is gonna be and stuff like that.
[quote=“Disney_Princess, post:5, topic:248970”]
Totally agree with Nomi there.
I had a similar problem, probably not as big as yours, or coming from such a prominent member of the family. Nevertheless, this relative was putting me down in front of everyone every time she went to social events. However, this did not hinder anything - I got a very very good rishta, which put a spanner in her works.
What I’m trying to get at, is that it doesn’t matter if people put you down in front of others - it just shows a bad reflection on the person making those comments - in your case, your uncle. Try not to stress too much about it because nobody can hinder the plans of Allah, and he is the best of planners.
Now cheer up - I’m sure your prince charming won’t want you frowning. /QUOTE
Ugh I hate people that do that. This same khala had some rishta aunty call my house to find out if I was engaged because she FULLY suspected that I was getting engaged to a cousin (uh yeah that wasn’t ever happening). And then (my parents dont know because I didn’t know how to tell them…I only found out because the cousin was trying to impress me or take me into confidence because he was intereted in marrying me) that my khala would go around to all my phupos, mumanis, khalas and try to convince them to ask for my rishta…in hindsight that was SO tricky because my parents’ rejection of all the rishtas (it was understood that a) i would never marry into family b) i would never plan to marry in Pak) caused MAJOR rifts with most of my family since they all got butt-hurt. UGHHH.
It gives me hope because God’s always watching and what goes around REALLY does come around.
It sucsk though, but it really does make me feel like there's something wrong with my family. And I wonder if other people think that way too when they're approaching for a rishta. Like what a headache this family is gonna be and stuff like that.
Family fights over money and property is soooo common! It almost seems like a norm amongst punjabis. For all you know, these people who are judging you and your family, might have the same exact issues but they're ignoring them and talking about your family instead.
Just let it be. You know what's going on in your family. If a rishta is coming for you... IMO, the prospectives should be more concerned about YOU and look at how your parents have raised you.
Family fights over money and property is soooo common!** It almost seems like a norm amongst punjabis. ** For all you know, these people who are judging you and your family, might have the same exact issues but they're ignoring them and talking about your family instead.
Just let it be. You know what's going on in your family. If a rishta is coming for you... IMO, the prospectives should be more concerned about YOU and look at how your parents have raised you.
haha, no, I'm one. So I was just saying that family fights over property are extremely common amongst Pakistanis, especially Punjabis. I've had so many friends tell me how there's drama in their families over land and money. So you can't be the only one wherever you're located who has these issues.
haha, no, I'm one. So I was just saying that family fights over property are extremely common amongst Pakistanis, especially Punjabis. I've had so many friends tell me how there's drama in their families over land and money. So you can't be the only one wherever you're located who has these issues.
I'm just messing with you. But yep, I'm punjabi lol.
Good to know though, it's crazy how money and greed can make people do such terrible things
^Soundarya has made a good point. Conflict over inheritence/land is not such an unusual family problem. It's said that you can tell a lot about a person's character during troubled times....and your uncle/aunt are going about it in a shameful way whereas your dad has choosen to maintain his dignity. This difference won't go unnoticed by people within the community. Let them embarrass themselves. If one cannot even maintain their dignity (apart from not having any money)...they are very poor indeed. When they try to defame you, at least you can counter what they say about you through your actions............whereas they can't even do that for themselves. That's really sad.
’ has actually got what they set out for…isolating you.
