NO husband has ANY RIGHT to tell his wife to take care of his mother. It is absolutely HIS own duty to take care of his mother in EVERY way, like cooking food for her, giving medicine, puting oil in her hair, combing her hair, masaging her head and feet…etc.
BUT yes! he has the right to request his wife to show FULL respect to his mother, in EVERY way.Though there is nothing wrong if she herself willingly wants to serve her mother-in-Law.
After listening to a lecture I realized that in our society there are certain misunderstandings about any kind of relationship.
Re: False traditions / understanding of relationships
Incase my point was misunderstood,( or I wasn't able to convey my point clearly) I was pointing out the cases where a man orders his wife to take care of his mother, and himself does nothing, as if it is not his duty to take care of his own mother. In some cases the woman is wrongly convinced (by culture)that it is "ONLY" her duty to take care of her mother in Law. Such attitude of the man is wrong according to all standards of Human values.
If the man expects anything from his wife in terms of behaviour with his mother, than he should practically show the same attitude towards her mother (which is not found in alot of cases)
Re: False traditions / understanding of relationships
Ofcourse it is not religion, it is all about culture... but lets not say it is a bad culture... we should understand tat mostly men work outside the house and women stay in the house, so if a woman stays in the house she has to take care of the of the house and ppl living in the house..
If the girl does all those massaging and giving medicine to her MIL, it is good for her, she will earn sawab. and i think islam does advice to earn sawab... Now if it becomes an act of getting sawab then why not?
Now if she doesn't do it, while her husband is away to do it as well and the MIL is too weak to do it herself... it is too bad for her ( i won't use the word gunnah cause only Allah swt is the one who decides)....
So lets say it is a good culture and women should do it....
Re: False traditions / understanding of relationships
^ I agree here. I just wanted to point out that a husband has no right to "insist" his wife to do all that stuff. IF he is available he should do it himself, if he is not available, he can only "request" her, to do it as a "favour" because this is not her duty unless there is an extreme situation.
From the wife's perspective. Ofcourse it is sawab for her, and if she does it willingly she is not only earning a higher degree for herself in Heaven, but also in the heart of her husband and her MIL
Re: False traditions / understanding of relationships
If she does not take care of MIL, FIL, she will not be asked about negligence as it was not an obligation
If she does take care of them, she will get rewarded
We should not have a minimal mentality. Just by taking care of our MIL, FIL, not only that we take care of elders (one reward) , we make our spouse happy (another reward) and set a right example for our kids (third reward) and I am sure that there are more blessings.
These extras will balance out our bad deeds and make us feel lighter on the day of judgment
Re: False traditions / understanding of relationships
STP,
in laws relations must be respected by both : there ought to be a set level of unconditional respect and care by the husband towards his wife's family and by the wife towards her husband's. no exceptions, no rules.
regard for inlaws, must come genuinely.
but yes, some men might be very patriarchal in demanding undue servant ship or maid ship of their parents - but the motive is not to seek help in taking care of their own parents, but it is to live that learnt wrong attitude that women must be treated badly.
where there is no respect, respect must be taught and one way to do so is to be patient and do what you said, - reap the reward in Allah's eyes. but then again, if the relationship in causing humiliation and suffering and degrading of the spouse then it must be conveyed truthfully to the other spouse that it will not go on like that and mutually - without causing undue hatred and fights, both must find a way to take care of the aging parents of both of themselves, together.
Re: False traditions / understanding of relationships
I agree, I don't think its okay when men demand their wives to take of their parents as though the only purpose of getting married was to get a slave for their family ... and yes .. like everyone said it is good if the woman willingly takes care of his parents for the sake of Allah (SWT).... but a man shouldn't say things like.. "i can only love you if you can love and take care of my parents" ... or "if you make my mother unhappy, I can not make you happy either" etc.. these thoughts sound extreme but they are very common... and obviously NOT smart on the guys part.
First of all, one should love his wife for what she does for him and from teh way she respects his family.. not only for her fulfillment of her slave-master bond.
Secondly, if you need your wife to take of your parents, why not "request" it instead of demanding. This way that little bit of work will not take its toll on the relationship of the husband and the wife.. the husband will be happy to see his wife listening to him and caring for her parents, the parents will be happy, and the wife will be happy that her husband respects her and loves her and trusts her therefore ASKS her to do favors instead of being a total control freak.
aghhhhhhhh i feel like im venting.. i need to stop
Re: False traditions / understanding of relationships
A wife should be happy to help care for her husband's parents, but there should be a balance. I have seen too many families who expect that the wife do all of the housework, care for the parents, raise the kids, and wait hand and foot on everyone in the house. If the husband expects his wife to do everything in the home, then he needs to provide her with the help and resources to do so, and not treat her like a glorified servant. If the in-laws are in need of medical care, then he also should hire an in-home healthcare worker to come occasionally and provide some of the care. If he has younger brothers and sisters at home, then they need to provide the bulk of the care, even if they are in school, particularly if the wife is also raising children.
I think that a husband has to show an equal willingness to help his wife care for her parents. He should be willing to bring them into his home, pay any necessary costs, and help his wife to care for them if needed.
Above all, he should respect his wife for the care that she provides, and not treat it as an expectation or her "farz".
Re: False traditions / understanding of relationships
Nice sharing everyone....Thanks!
One more misunderstanding in some societies. If a woman doesn't want to work outside but only want to become a house wife, than his husband has no right to force her to go out for earning money, even if she is well educated and has alot of opportunities to get a good job.
It is HIS duty to earn for the whole family and instead of only asking her " What do you want ? I would buy for you " (after she feels forced to beg money from him for fulfilling her requirements) He should also give a reasonable amount of money to her in her hands, (depending on his income) and leave it to her whatever she wants to do with that money.
BUT she also has to make sure that she shouldn't insist in asking more money from him than his incomes allows him to give, after fulfilling the major issues like bills of gass, electricity...etc.