This is inspired from busy’s thread ‘To all the married women’.
Many of us are/ have been considered for or linked/ associated with our cousins/ family friends for potential rishtas as our parents start thinking about possible ristha stuff with them and things don’t necessarily end up in marriage. Sometimes, such baat just lingers on for many months/ years (even without any formal engagement) and then just dissolves because of many uncontrollable factors.
When we get married to someone else, whats the reaction of the spouse if they get to know about these failed rishtas especially when we have to see such cousins/ family friends regularly to whom we had been previously linked by our parents? There might be some liking from those cousins (or even from us) and they still might be unmarried.
If we hide such things from our husbands once we are married, just because he doesn’t feel bad, they may get suspicious if they get to know such things from somebody else. I guess many desi men become jealous and insecure when they get to know about their wives’ previous rishta stuff especially with guys whom the wives still has contact like cousins.
Should we tell our spouses about those particular cousins/ family friends and then try hard to justify ourselves that we were NOT serious and interested in them (leaving a chance that our spouse may or may not believe us), or just hide these failed rishta stories from them?
So the options are: Should we tell them before marriage? Should be tell them after marriage? Should we just hide it completely?
Re: Failed rishtas and their effect on relationships with spouse
i dont think it matters, i m sure when you are in that comfortable zone with yr hubby u wl be sharing all sorts of things including this i.e the rishtas u got, considered etc etc. i dnt see the big deal in it unless ofcourse you are still attracted towards that person then that may be a cause of concern for yr husband otherwise how does it matter?
Re: Failed rishtas and their effect on relationships with spouse
i dont think it matters, i m sure when you are in that comfortable zone with yr hubby u wl be sharing all sorts of things including this i.e the rishtas u got, considered etc etc. i dnt see the big deal in it unless ofcourse you are still attracted towards that person then that may be a cause of concern for yr husband otherwise how does it matter?
Busy (the GS member) being a wife finds it difficult to accept that her husband dated some girl before marriage. Desi guys are more difficult when accepting such things about their wives, I guess.
Re: Failed rishtas and their effect on relationships with spouse
Busy (the GS member) being a wife finds it difficult to accept that her husband dated some girl before marriage. Desi guys are more difficult when accepting such things about their wives, I guess.
dating and having considered someone for rishta are not same :p.
Re: Failed rishtas and their effect on relationships with spouse
Larkion k liye tau arranged rishtay main bhi shak ker sakte hain na.
My chacha wanted me for his son since our childhood. My parents had always resisted and did not tell me about this until I was old enough and when the phadda in the khandan became severe. I just don’t feel comfortable in letting this chacha and his son meet my future in-laws and future husband as I don’t know how will this affect my husband. My chacha still says, ye tau bachpan se baat thi etc etc.
Re: Failed rishtas and their effect on relationships with spouse
You bring up an interesting point. I’m in this situation myself. My parents just told my potential in-laws that some of my relatives dislike us for not giving them my rishta and they were very understanding. I know that I wouldn’t want my future in-laws to meet them either!
Re: Failed rishtas and their effect on relationships with spouse
Well, that was the reason why my best friend got divorced. Her husband did know before the nikkah that there was some rishta talks with a cousin of her. But things did not work out and her parents got her married with someone else.
But after nikkah her husband did question her about the past and did think that she was in love with that cousin. Poor girl refused to have rukhsati with him because he did not trust her and it did end up in divorce.
This is a not nice example and it really depends on the people, how they deal with this matter. Not everyone is so insecure and blames the girl for it. . .
Re: Failed rishtas and their effect on relationships with spouse
Well, that was the reason why my best friend got divorced. Her husband did know before the nikkah that there was some rishta talks with a cousin of her. But things did not work out and her parents got her married with someone else.
But after nikkah her husband did question her about the past and did think that she was in love with that cousin. Poor girl refused to have rukhsati with him because he did not trust her and it did end up in divorce.
This is a not nice example and it really depends on the people, how they deal with this matter. Not everyone is so insecure and blames the girl for it. . .
Grrr... mat darao yaaar.... :( Allah reham karay sab per.
Re: Failed rishtas and their effect on relationships with spouse
I don't think it should be that big a deal. Like most people here, my aunt and uncle were convinced from when we were children, but parents really were not. They did kick up a real fuss with my in-laws, but they were really understanding about it all. Alhumdulillah, everybody has sort of made up now too, so I think people just get over it. It was kind of awkward when my cousin came up and congratulated my fiance and totally blanked me, but I don't really see them all that much anyway, so all is well.
