We only have one nephew in town here, his mother had been really mean to my family and went on an all-out campaign to do badnaami of my family to a degree where we just abandoned the community. Now we have forgiven her and she calls my wife all the time but that behavior I cannot forget.
Despite all that I had treated my nephew really well as he is the only family in town, we made lavish meals for him, invited him over for all holidays. Packed food for him to take with him. The idea was to establish a relationship with my kids and him as my kids don’t really know my side of the family. One thing that bothered me is that he always shows up empty handed at our house, never like can I bring dessert or chocolates etc. We would also do his birthday dinners etc and buy him gifts. He never did anything for my kids either, he is much older than them.
Now my nephew has found this nice Syrian Girlfriend and has been living with her for a year, I am not extremely fond of her, both she and her mom have poor etiquettes as guests and her mom plans to live with them and talks loud and nonstop.
My nephew I think is planning to propose to her on his birthday, he invited me to attend via a facebook invitation and I feel a bit disrespected. I think he should have at least picked up the phone to call. I have a feeling that the Syrian girl wants to separate him from his family.
I feel like not going but my children still want to maintain a relationship with him. What should I do?
The past history of his mother doesn’t really matter, whats in the past is the in the past. Secondly, some people don’t show appreciation through material gifts. They might show it through comments or even actions, I don’t know this kid but if he doesn’t bring any thing you shouldn’t think bad of him. You are giving those gifts as a gesture of good will, and a gift is what it is..a gift, you shouldn’t expect anything back. Also, because you are so rich, he might not be, so he might think this is nothing for you guys, but it might be more expensive for him.
In terms of the fb invite, kids these days…thats just how they do things. A call is so old school these days. Heck, i’ve been texted a wedding invite through whatsapp for a really close friend. I’ve know him since grade school… I don’t expect a call, I dont even expect a card…its whatever, just him telling me in someway shape or form to come to his wedding is an honor for me. Yo, like I don’t even call my own uncle and aunt, I love them do death…but I aint calling them.
If you don’t want to go, don’t go, make up an excuse to not go.
Maybe i’m thinking to much into this, but I think you’re associating the way his mother behaved and using that as an indictator for his actions of not giving gifts or doing anything for your kids to that. Like hes a poorly raised kid. Which might be the case, but that shouldn’t have any bearing tbh.
Jut things slowly starting to build up, he is a pharmacist and has a couple of properties so he does have the money. His father was a sociopath who cheated on his family and abandoned them so yes he is a poorly raised kid and has suffered a lot and that is why I reached out to him.
One thing that really bothered my wife is that he recently purchased a property and I saw his name on the purchaser’s list for our corporation and he didn’t even bother to consult with me. He is my oldest nephew and is in his mid-thirties, so I am thinking he is not a kid anymore. With the fb invitation it is hard to say if it is just me or the whole family.
These guys have eaten at our house dozens of times without ever inviting us.
My wife’s nephews always call and insist we send our kids over for holidays, they face time with kids, call on Holidays etc. He does nothing.
It seems like your kids are not actively keeping score of the things your nephew failed to do. It seems that they just enjoy his company. And if that’s the case, then let their grudge-free, simple-heartedness last for as long as it can.
Even people who have had a stable upbringing may be laid back about social graces. According to you, your nephew had a dysfunctional upbringing and so he may not have grow up seeing examples of such social graces.
I received a verbal invite as well as a card for some of my cousins’ weddings. For others, it was only verbal. Some informed us months in advance; others told us when it was around the corner. Everyone is different. At least you got a wedding invitation. You can choose to accept or decline. And there is no pleasure in receiving a gift that one felt “guilted” into giving. That said, agar koi dil se nahi kuch karna chahta…to it’s better to accept that about them and move on.
Some people don’t like openly discussing matters like their wedding, buying a home, buying a car, getting a car, pregnancy, etc etc. If you’re in the habit of giving unsolicited advice, maybe that’s why he prefers to keep mum about things. Or it could be that while he enjoys socializing with you guys overall, he prefers privacy in other matters. He’s not a kid; let him make his decisions. If he wants advice, he’ll ask.
***If his lack of reciprocation bothers you and your wife that much, then don’t do as much for him. You can always choose to decrease the number of dinner invitations. Don’t go out of your way for him with favors and sacrifices. That way, you won’t expect as much from him either. Or…if you ARE going to continue to doing him favors, then do it without any expectation of return/reward from him.
This guy KNOWS he’s had a chitty upbringing and if you have been kind to him, then don’t keep thinking about his upbringing as a weak point to use against him (not even mentally to yourself)…nor to make yourself feel better/superior. Our graciousness to other people can quickly turn into a smugness that can be too subtle to detect and that’s something to watch out for.
My cousin in getting married in 2 months, yet he sent invotes to the family several months ago via a card invitation . One was a post card for save-the-date, followed by the actual wedding card. I never got anything.
2 days ago this guy texts me saying he sent me a card but since i didnt get it ( some family member must have told him), he and his fiance would like for me and my husband to attend.
Yes, i can u derstand why you are ticked off, i am too. Its just rude and disrespectful. Like, im not worthy of resending the card u supposedly already sent, or, picking up the phone and telling me instead of texting
my nephew is a ceo of a DOD defence contracting firm. He personally flew his F-35 and dropped bombs on syrian girls. I don’t know how you can tolerate your newphew doing considering syrians seriously. Thats so weird.
was it facebook or fakebook? coz fake nephews with fake syrian girlfriends in fake stories may end up using fakebook to invite you to their fake birthday proposals…
He comes to discuss all his problems, business advice etc. I think his fiances mom was a bit more involved in his home purchase. No I don’t really give unsolicited advice and let people do whatever. Kids have a long history with him so it might be a bad thing for them. I am a very humble person and don’t let disrespect get in the way. Maybe I will see if my wife and kids might want to go by themselves. His fiance was saying that he was crying when he heard that I was a bit ill so he really seems to care. He had a really nasty childhood and maybe no one thaught him to behave properly. In the beginning I had to teach him how to be nice to his girlfriend also. My wifes nephews seem to show so much caring. her nephew in Toronto and Boston are insisting so much that kids go to visit. I have done so much for the family and all I got is disrespect. All because I married without their permission and wouldn’t let them abuse my wife.
Some people just don’t have the morals etc instilled into them growing up. Since they didn’t, they don’t usually change and bring them into their lives as adults. Whilst growing up, I’ve always heard my mum tell me or others that dosroun ke ghar khali haath nahi jatey. And I have that politeness, decency and respect instilled into me, whenever I go to someone’s house. Whether it is a casual meetup, or a formal dawat invite, I always take something. Sometimes I bake things myself or cook, sometimes I buy from outside. I love to share and care. That’s just how I am. Maybe your nephew is not like that. Not everyone has the same nature in them. Not everyone has the same level of respect for their hosts. For example people cancelling at the last minute for a prearranged RSVP dinner, without any legit reasoning. Don’t worry about your nephew.
Whatever you’re doing for your nephew or you did, that should be out of the goodness of your heart. Aap ke apna zarf kitna bara hai, woh important hona chahiye. It should not be done, to expect anything from someone else.
Regarding the Syrian, let him marry her, and let her separate him from his family. Sometimes people learn the hard way, and if by separating from his family he is happy, then good for him.
Ohhh.. so your nephew moved in with his Syrian girlfriend and they are living together outside the framework of marriage?
Ohh man … Kya Kya ho raha ha duniya ma…
Thanks for your response, I checked the fb invitation and I guess everyone is invited through the face book including fiances family and I did see all my children and wifes name there also. My wife feels happy for him as he had a sad and lonely life now the Syrians are making him family. I think Darrins mother will live with them and she is very controlling. Her other sister is married to a white meathead so I doubt she will allow her to live with them. Her mom was a widow and raised kids on her own so is very possessive. Her mom is very active so maybe she will help with cooking and stuff.
I normally do things without expectations but a bit fussy about manners and it gets really tiresome to always be giving. Even with the friends in community some took advantage of our generosity and I had to decide to not meet with them anymore.
Her mother had reservations in the beginning but then she was okay with it, her sister married a white guy and brother is also dating an Irish girl. Marriage is about commitment from the heart three words are just words without commitment.
It appears that if you have a nephew in mid-30s, then you would be touching 50. I am not being sardonic here but I am little perplexed. When we (all of us) grow older, these things hardly matter to us. Life has enormous other issues to deal with. Don’t you think so???
When we were younger we’d always complain about people showing up to our home with nothing. It was really childish. My parents always made an effort to buy things or made dishes when going over to people’s houses and over time we’ve learned that not only is it the right thing to do, it’s something that’s done from the heart and not everyone has the hidayah (guidance) to give and do good for others. Good on you to give to your nephew and other members of the family. The good you do now will come back in another form iA. And some people have a different way of giving back, it doesn’t always have to be material gifts.
I guess with the newer generation a FB invite or online invitation is the norm. I’ve only received one printed wedding card. They’re being phased out. Most people don’t have the desire/etiquette to call people up. I am probably really old school but whenever it’s a special event (ie. Eid, special announcement, etc) I make it priority to personally call people I am close to. I think it’s really important to connect via phone or in person as it really strengthens relationships and that sense of ‘community’ and ‘family’ that we’re losing out on. I don’t hold it against people. They do what they think it best and we just have to accept it and join in their festivities, and if you don’t have similar feelings then you can always opt out and wish them/ make dua for them from a far.
Thanks for your input, you are such an awesome young lady. My wife called him and I guess he was a little hurt because I called his younger brother out when he came to visit from Houston, his younger brother does not have a good sense of direction and jumps from one thing to another without really finding a career. I felt that the younger brother was always ridiculing his mother on fb for being simple. His mother bought him a car, she financially supports him also. I told the younger brother if he is so smart than how come his simple mom is financially independent and he is the one taking help from her. This upset him a lot and there was an argument and he cried a lot. I did apologize for making him feel bad. later his mom thanked me, she was saying that he used to be rude to her and now talks properly to her. I even call my kids out on BS. Sometimes tough love is needed. My wife has a nice way of talking and told him that if the relationship is important to him then we will come and if not then that is fine also and he said that it was important to him. Divorces screw kids life so I have to lower my expectations for him.
You are completely right, you have to do stuff for people and it gets back to you. We took a Pakistani family on a great vacation to give our kids company and right after these people yelled at my wife rather than be appreciative and just recently my daughters best friend and her mom took her for an all inclusive 5 star resort vacation to Mexico without asking her for a penny. Mom finally received her divorce settlement and back charges.
So he just called and was very courteous and invited me formally, he told me that he is going to propose to his gf, he is having a band come in and will surprise her after the band. My wife had a talk with him and talked some sense into him. Now the Dilemma is that I am required to volunteer for the club for the Bingo. The proceeds will pay for a really nice Dragon boat for the club. I would like to attend and I hope they can find a replacement for me.
