Extended Family Support

Lifestyle Relationships
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1

How important is support from extended family in raising childern ? As my kids are growing (5 and 3), I have started to wonder if living close by to extended family / in laws would make sense ? My own family lives in Pakistan or UK so only option in the US is In laws. Since marriage, I have lived in different states farther from In laws and never felt the need to have any family closer but now I feel having them closer is important in Kids growth, learning culture, having date nights with Mrs. Chaudhry, etc. But is all this important and if yes does having Spouse’s extended family with in couple of hours of driving can become overbearing. This is because I came to US as a student and lived pretty much by myself for good 15 years or so. That has made me some what territorial like I dont like guests staying over at home, I dont like too many people visiting us, have become quite a private soul etc which I think in individual sense may be Ok but not good for raising a family.

I guess I like some thoughts about pros and cons of having a large extended family close by ?

2

Re: Extended Family Support

As a kid who grew up without any extended family around & very few family friends cuz my mom was quite territorial as well I regret not being with my extended family especially during eids & birthdays or any other important days.

On the other hand my husband was raised in a joint family (grand parents/cousins) & the values he has I can never instill in myself. He is the most selfless, giving, caring human being to everyone around him (and the same goes for his siblings) its very obvious that living in a big family and the daily adjustments that go around it has instilled all these values in them, something a girl who was raised in a nuclear family (me) cant incorporate. Even if i try it just doesnt happen, my mind just doesnt work that way. Its hard to explain..

Basically what i have seen is parents do 30% of the work to make a child who he/she is, school does another 30%, environment & friends 20% & extended family & elderly another 20% of the work. A full grown adult with the best possible personality is a recipe made with all the above ingredients.

Thats my take on it!

3

Re: Extended Family Support

Thanks Shimmer. Your take makes a lot of sense. Pretty much what I am thinking these days. I am not sure if I will be able to adjust of having large family, constant get togethers , visits with extended family frequently but for kids it may be the correct growing up experience.

4

Re: Extended Family Support

We were disowned so no family support whatsoever, we invested in creating friendships for my children with some extra ordinary children and families and they kind of became surrogate cousins and support. Make relationships with other parents, have sleepovers, do them favors and they do you favors. Our friends are better than any family one can wish for. Secondly get kids involved in team sports and volunteer in their clubs and build relationships. People surrounded by family don't grow as much as they get stuck in a comfort zone.You need to get discomfortable to grow.

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Re: Extended Family Support

Try to get involved in the Pakistani community. That helps so much with teaching your kids culture. They also extend a lot of support in times of need. without infringing on the privacy we all cherish.

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Re: Extended Family Support

We as a family have always lived outside of Pakistan. I don't have any immediate relatives in Dubai. I have mum's side in Pakistan, Canada and UK. Dad's side in America and Canada. Yes, when I was growing up from time to time I felt that it would have been nice if I lived close to my maternal grandmother, but I guess the secret behind us loving one another a lot was the fact that we weren't in front of each others eyes all the time. Rest of my grandparents died early due to various reasons, when I was a little kid, so I never really missed their presence. However, I did get to see my nani jaan a lot, we used to make it a point to go to Pakistan at least once a year, so we got to see her and the family.

Sometimes when I was little, I felt the need to have cousins etc around me, live in a big joint family, participate in family events - birthday parties etc, but honestly speaking, now that I've grown up I thank God my parents kept us away from a joint family etc.

Joint families, especially in Pakistan, with the kind of mentality they have, there is no privacy etc. No freedom for girls. Male cousins and the males in general are given priority over everything and it is just a claustrophobic life. I have seen and heard of so many weird incidents amongst cousins and in general in the khandan, that I am glad I live away. I guess it depends on temperaments and people, but I would never be able to do family politics, stay away from cousin advances etc. If you're living in a big joint family, or amongst family, you yourself don't have the liberty to make too many choices in life. Your grandparents will interfere, your uncles and aunties will etc.

Just to give a little example, my male cousin liked this girl. He loved her a lot and wanted to marry her. But his granddad didn't approve of his choice and forced him to get nikkahfied to this other cousin of his - his grandfather's choice.

I am sure many people live and survive in joint families in Pakistan, but for children born outside, especially older children, it will be very hard to adjust to the mindset, the mentality etc.

Now if the family is not in Pakistan and you want to move closer to them, I say it is debatable. Just safeguard your born abroad children from the mentality etc in Pakistan. It is quite different.

7

Re: Extended Family Support

In the US, i think its great to live very close to your in-laws, maybe like 20 mins drive or something.
Or at walking distance is nice if possible.
Is your wife working fulltime too and kids going to daycare?

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Re: Extended Family Support

Yes both of us work full time and Kids go to a daycare. Over here, we dont have any family but If we choose to move closer to my in laws, there are like a dozen or so cousins of my kids age. Its almost a no brainer but than again the whole idea of guests and people over all the time is not something I am used to.

9

Re: Extended Family Support

That is a good thought really. We have been thinking about that at least we should go to our local mosque evening gatherings which they do quite a bit and try to know more people. I am just so private that for me even to meet or call soem one seems such a laborus task but than result I am afraid of is kids growing in isolation with no sense of culture. Even today the 3 year old can tell me everything about Transformers but barely speaks a word in urdu though I have been speaking nothing but urdu to him. He has though remember couple of bad words of punjabi I said :)

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Re: Extended Family Support

@Chaudhry_sahab
Having extended family is a great idea ONLY IF you get along with that family. No point in living near family if that’s going to increase tension in your home and increase drama. Kids aren’t stupid. They can figure out when their parents aren’t happy. You mentioned how you’re a private person and all. But you’ve left out some very important details here.

Your oldest is 5 so you’ve been married for several years now. Do you get along with your in-laws? What is the most amount of time you have spent with your in-laws? Have you/wife ever spent several days or a week or more with them? Are your in-laws respectful? Meaning if you move near them…are the in-laws and other family the type of people who would visit on a regular basis without calling? How often do you hear about drama/tension/arguments happening between your in-laws and other family that live near them?

I agree with eastern11 that you need to get involved in the local Pakistani community. Is your wife also in agreement with you on making an effort to teach the kids Pakistani culture? You can’t do this on your own. BOTH of you need to make an effort to meet other Pakistani couples and getting involved in the local community. I know several Indian couples with young children who have 0 family living in this city. Yet they have no problem teaching their kids about Indian culture or even going on “date nights” because they have a good support network among them.

While living near in-laws/extended family sounds great on the surface…it can easily bring up a whole host of other major negative issues if you’re not realistic about their personalities, your relationship with them, and just how much you can tolerate for the next 10+ YEARS on a daily basis.

BTW, the dozen or so cousins who are near your kids age…do all of them speak Urdu? Are those kids actually aware of Pakistani culture (meaning does the extended family make an effort to expose them to it on a regular basis)?

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Re: Extended Family Support

My son does not speak much urdu but he has quite the desi streak in him. When kids are young, there is really not much difference between kids of other cultures and Pakistani kids. But then as they grow older there are a lot of differences e.g. intimacy between sexes, looking down on living at home beyond 18 etc. We made a conscious effort to go to desi gatherings etc. You may want to ask your wifeto atke the kids to the mosque on the odd Friday when school is not in session. You meet a lot of desi ladies there who don't otherwise go to the mosque on a regular basis.

Also, look into enrolling your kids in Sunday school. Makes a world of difference.

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Re: Extended Family Support

It seems so complicated and confusing for them to get mixed messages, openness bw boys and girls is the norm now and if you try to take on the society than things get tough, I know of many young men who could not agree on parents choice and didn't have the skills to woo the girls. Most quality girls now need to be impressed, engaged and entertained.

Same with young ladies, parents couldn't find boy for this girl n told her that we give up find your own, young lady told me she doesn't know how to talk to boys.

I found the community filled with angry negative people.

Also, look into enrolling your kids in Sunday school. Makes a world of difference.
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