How many of you have encountered a situation where your fiance/husband’s extended family (mamoos, chachus, khalas) ask for your parent’s help for jobs/help in jobs/tricky situations at work. For instance your MIL calling up your mom and asking if your mom can do something about getting MIL’s brother a job, or fix the job situation he is in? This after said mamoo has pulled your husband aside at a get together and asked him to ask your family for help? And your husband refused as it is inappropriate? And your family is not in any close way connected to the job, just is well respected and have contacts and connections. Suppose this is a trend? I understand helping siblings (your own) and possibly husband/fiance as he is connected to you directly but for your inlaws to be expecting your parents to help extended family members? It’s not done is it?
Different families have different views/principles regarding such issues…
First..
Some do believe that anyone who is a relative (no matter how distant) is supposed to help out others…some even do extend this to greater ‘‘braadri’’ and do help out their kinsmen…
second
others are there who believe that such sort of helping out is only to be for the close family…or keeping in view the “susraal” angle as you seemed to point out…
and finally, there are opportunistic people…who would ask anyone and be ‘leechar’
while first two can be considered to be just different family values/outlooks…you can’t strictly call it right or wrong…its just different…
ok so the bold highlighted part, does that include inlaws? Is it proper to ask girl’s parents for help?
Suppose you have two bahus, and only ask one bahu’s parents and not the other’s? Granted one is more affluent than the other but neither really have ties to that. It comes off as a bit greedy to me.
it might include in-laws…but the type i mentioned..they don’t only ask for help…they are willing to help too…(read the braadri part)… only you can judge that from their history.i can’t say conclude that… if you know of the family history you can guess if they themselves helped out anyone before…
if they ask only one bahu…it might be that that bahu’s family is in a position to help out and the other not…just stating possibilities…
obviously… they could be greedy… depending on the facts…they might be the 3rd kind…
i was just explaining that there are real world possible chances of them not being purely greedy too… its not that you should consider it only as greed and give some thought to the other possibility.
At the end of the day…its your own choice to decide whether to help them out or not… i guess you would know how to ‘tarkhaao’ them without coming off as arrogant…there are ways..
P.S… i can proper answer too when i am in the mood
Its interesting to note that.
It seems against principle to me waise, asking inlaws for help. I think inlaws are a delicate relationship and require distance and formality
i feel the same way…but you don’t really have to think of them as ‘bad/greed’ people (if they are type2)… you can always ‘tarkhaa’ and not think too much about it…after a few instances…they will get the message…even if they are of the type who start making huge phadday with ur immediate in-laws…i think it can be managed with proper ‘‘tarkhaau’’ tehniques…
I don't think it's right to for a distant relation to "expect" to be helped....but I don't see anything wrong in asking for help. And in a way you answered your own question. Even though there's no link to the "job" in question....it could be the knowledge that a person has the "connections" which is what prompted them to ask for help. Knowing how the job market is these days......I don't see anything wrong in trying to help someone out with putting food on their table/pay their bills. You're not doing the job for them, you're not giving them money......alls you're doing is passing on a resume or mentioning the person's name/interest to an employer. For all you know....such information might help out an employer who could use someone for the position. I've referred people (unrleated to me...who are more like acquaintances) to various places they may try their kismat at getting a job at. It's not a guarantee that they'll get it...but it's not them most hardest thing to do either. You do something good, then inshaAllah it'll come back to you somehow in your time of need. I do understand that it can be irritating if if some people FREQUENTLY ask for help. It's even more irritating if people you helped can't manage to even show you basic respect.....even when you don't expect anything from them in return. If you can't help out with this particular job.....then perhaps you can provide general tips in terms of resumes, or referring them to job websites, etc. Times are so tough...job-wise........people must be desperate which may be one reason they're asking everyone and anyone they know who can help. And it's not uncommon for people to take advantage of connections.....to develop connections for such a practical purpose. It would be more appropriate for the person who is seeking help...to ask one directly....as opposed to gettig someone else to ask on their behalf. It just looks more respectful that way.
I don't think it's right to for a distant relation to "expect" to be helped....but I don't see anything wrong in asking for help. And in a way you answered your own question. Even though there's no link to the "job" in question....it could be the knowledge that a person has the "connections" which is what prompted them to ask for help. Knowing how the job market is these days......I don't see anything wrong in trying to help someone out with putting food on their table/pay their bills. You're not doing the job for them, you're not giving them money......alls you're doing is passing on a resume or mentioning the person's name/interest to an employer. For all you know....such information might help out an employer who could use someone for the position. I've referred people (unrleated to me...who are more like acquaintances) to various places they may try their kismat at getting a job at. It's not a guarantee that they'll get it...but it's not them most hardest thing to do either. You do something good, then inshaAllah it'll come back to you somehow in your time of need. I do understand that** it can be irritating if if some people FREQUENTLY ask for help. It's even more irritating if people you helped can't manage to even show you basic respect.....even when you don't expect anything from them in return**. If you can't help out with this particular job.....then perhaps you can provide general tips in terms of resumes, or referring them to job websites, etc. Times are so tough...job-wise........people must be desperate which may be one reason they're asking everyone and anyone they know who can help. And it's not uncommon for people to take advantage of connections.....to develop connections for such a practical purpose. It would be more appropriate for the person who is seeking help...to ask one directly....as opposed to gettig someone else to ask on their behalf. It just looks more respectful that way.
All that is well and good. Especially the part in bold. But it all boils down to respect. AND the onus of responsibility.
The job market IS tough. While a good word can be put in, later on when something doesnt develop then it's "O they didnt try hard enough" ..."If they wanted to they couldve done it for us". Such situations should be avoided altogether IMO by not asking people if you dont believe they will try, whether or not you get the job.
I can't really translate it....you can ask someone nearby who knows punjabi...
it is sort of polite refusal with such an excuse that the other person can't really say that you refused it without a reason.....something along those lines...
I can't really translate it....you can ask someone nearby who knows punjabi...
it is sort of polite refusal with such an excuse that the other person can't really say that you refused it without a reason.....something along those lines...
To each his own, Demesne. People's opinions will vary with this issue. The same response as in "Oh, they didn't try hard enough" can also come from someone you know well such as close relative/friend. And I've seen it happen....where the "benefit of the doubt" is not even given to near and dear ones. Heck, human nature is such that we might even find OURSELVES saying the same thing if we were to ask someone to help us with getting a job. Yes, as I said before, it is irksome when people ask for help all the time. But going back to the point of human nature.....I think it's "natural" to try ALL your opportunities when you're searching for a job....try everyone you know....try all possibilities.
Also, if one fears such a response from distant relatives or (from anyone for that matter)....they can always tell the person "I will put in a good word for you/I will submit your resume to the necessary people......but please understand that there is only so much that I can do or that is as far as I will be able to help you as in the final decision rests with the employer....and ultimately it's Allah's will. I wish you the best in finding a job in this particular company....or anywhere where else...wherever it's meant to be. I just hope that if things don't work out with this particular place.....that you don't doubt my intentions ....by assuming I didn't try hard. The final decision does not rest with me."
^That way...at least you've let someone know....so hopefully they'll be more careful about their response. And if they're not....it just makes THEM appear bad. I just see it as being thorough. And I will sometimes add clauses like that when I'm placed in such delicate situations.
How many of you have encountered a situation where your fiance/husband's extended family (mamoos, chachus, khalas) ask for your parent's help for jobs/help in jobs/tricky situations at work. For instance your MIL calling up your mom and asking if your mom can do something about getting MIL's brother a job, or fix the job situation he is in? This after said mamoo has pulled your husband aside at a get together and asked him to ask your family for help? And your husband refused as it is inappropriate? And your family is not in any close way connected to the job, just is well respected and have contacts and connections. Suppose this is a trend? I understand helping siblings (your own) and possibly husband/fiance as he is connected to you directly but for your inlaws to be expecting your parents to help extended family members? It's not done is it?
Views please.
It depends on who is asking for help. If that person is deserving, and just going through a tough phase (lots of hardworking people out there without jobs) I'd say there's no harm in helping. Agar aapke haaton kisi ka bhala ho raha hai to why not? But also keep in mind that if you recommend person, YOUR (or your parents') credibility is at stake too. So be careful who you recommend.
Of course if this guy is a "leechar" as Nomi said, just ignore them!
ok so the bold highlighted part, does that include inlaws? Is it proper to ask girl's parents for help?
Suppose you have two bahus, and only ask one bahu's parents and not the other's? Granted one is more affluent than the other but neither really have ties to that. It comes off as a bit greedy to me.
I don't find it as anything particularly offensive. We get asked for help from lot of people, family, friends, friends of parents, neighbors, extended family etc etc. If you can help them do it, if you cannot just say so.
