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*Originally posted by Chaltahai: *
but expectations are hard to live down.
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but thats my point, its not like going to a job interview and informging everyoner that you had the offer already and then just mess up in the interview.
How can one "live up" to expectations when what is going on is not in one's control. I am sure no couple which wants a kid will want a miscarriage.
Have we not moved from the times where a miscarriage was considered a woman's fault?
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*Originally posted by Fraudz: *
but thats my point, its not like going to a job interview and informging everyoner that you had the offer already and then just mess up in the interview.
How can one "live up" to expectations when what is going on is not in one's control. I am sure no couple which wants a kid will want a miscarriage.
Have we not moved from the times where a miscarriage was considered a woman's fault?
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What we want to believe and what the reality are are two different things.
CH
U seemed to be the guy who focuses on whats right than what appears right or what is acceptable.
My view is, I will tell well wishers, friends and family, not the whole world, as soon as I know, and if it does not work out, then it does not work out.
I think people do that Fraudz. People usually tell their family and close friends after the first few weeks. You are right, it is good to have support, either way the pregnancy goes. But for the sake of surity, doctors advise 12 weeks.
Frauds...
I can see where you are coming from... close family members is one thing... extremely close friends is also fine, cz you meet them very frequently, but for all the rest, I see no particular need to divulge this (what I consider) quite a personal news.
If, woe betide, something goes wrong, then you have to tell everyone as and when you meet them. Many a times its awkward, when some people just want to know all the details of what went wrong and offer their "expert" advice on what you can and should have done. I find that whole scene quite a waste, of my time and theirs.
You talk about emotional support. Again it depends on the sort of person you are. Usually people don't get emotional support from a large group, and typically its close family and friends who are the biggest source of support. Plus, for all practical purposes, losing a child in pregnancy is also the cause of a lot of personal grief and sometimes it is better if you don't have to tell so many people and re-create the grief again and again for a long time.
As always, there are no right or wrong answers here. It depends a lot on the sort of personality you have and the sort of people you mix with. Most of what I say is based on my own personal experiences and those of people very close to me.
When we discovered that we were pregnant, we told some immediate family. People that would "witness" my symptoms and understand why I might not be able to fulfill my obligations. This way they could pray for us and also be accommodating and understanding during those first critical weeks.
We waited to "announce" to the general public until our first 12 weeks were completed. Why? I think mainly because that's what our parents have taught us. There was no consideration given to the fact that we would be letting anyone down if the pregnancy didn't last, in fact, we have seen so many people go through early miscarriages that we didn't want to face the "pity" that is doled out to couples in that situation.
Since we intentionally waited three years into our marriage to start our family, we were already facing the whispers from the aunties suggesting we go through various forms of testing and treatments for infertility....in light of these cruel rumours and unforgiving attitudes, we decided that it was a sure-thing before we made any announcements.
Kamal, in theory you are right to suggest what you have. However, we don't live in vacuums and in our social circles, or those of our elders, there are all sorts of folks that are not capable of enlightened thought. Why give them more to talk about?
awright, what I really want to know is where does the quran talk about 'NAZR'?
I'm not sure but I believe that the subject of nazar comes up in Hadith.
Perhaps someone can post the question in the Religion section and we can have a more knowledgable answer from there.
I guess one of the things with everything not going right and having already told everyone is it can often bring back memories that you may not want. Everyone , even if they dont offer expert advice, often ask about it and it can be really difficult for the mother or father. It does however depend completely on the parents and how they can handle the good with the bad. Sometimes its just easier to share less and have less to remember, as bad as that may sound. there is also the phsycology of vunerability that comes in, for even though we have such great careers, lifes, etc, yet those things we have close and dear to us can often be taken away from us without us been able to do anything to prevent that.
Hmcq, you make a great point. After all, despite our great lives and careers, etc. there ARE some things not in our control. Also, your example is analogous to one where despite wedding invitations having been sent out, the wedding is called off more or less at the last minute. I’m speaking from personal experience here. However, loved ones understand these things more than anyone else.
On the topic at hand though, I agree with Fraudz in that so what if the news is shared with loved ones right away or whenever. After all, they are “loved ones” so they’ll tend to understand and empathize even if God forbid the pregnancy doesn’t come to full term. The 'nazr" concept is quite relative, and as some would say, perhaps even superstitious.
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*Originally posted by Muzna: *
Kamal, in theory you are right to suggest what you have. However, we don't live in vacuums and in our social circles, or those of our elders, there are all sorts of folks that are not capable of enlightened thought. Why give them more to talk about?
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Muzna
I never have and never will have my actions be dictated by anyone in my social circle or khandaan whoa re not capable of enlightened thought.
People who want to talk, will always find something to talk about. I dont run my life by their rules.
Moona
you are right, I mean if things will go wrong they will at some point..I know 2 ladies who had still borns, something went wrong and babys did nto make it at teh time of birth, Ialso know ppl who had abnormal births.
These things are not in our control and to keep a secret because of Nazr is just not strong enough.
Additionally, as far as teh chances of the baby making it, again..one never knows if the kid will make it, your chances improve as time passes and yes teh first 3 months are very critical.
My personal view is that people did not share these news until it started to show due to some cultural thing somwhere and we all follow it without knowing the reasons
Again, you are right Kamal. I don't allow people that live with closed minds to dictate what goes on in my life. But I also don't do things that will cause my elders grief.
Though I have managed to refine my social circle, my elders have little choice in theirs' and I refuse to give anyone reason to give them any kind of taanay. They are too old to have to put up with or respond to sarcasm from the society.
I suppose it's like picking your battles.