I don’t know where to ask this so thought I’d post here:
I had a friend, a good friend who turned out to be very jealous and she caused a lot of issues between me and my husband to make herself feel good since she’s insecure about some things in her life. Basically, she and her husband would say stuff and kind of ‘bharkao’ my hubby and make him say stuff(I know we have an issue too) that he’d regret later and we would argue because I felt hurt. I put up with her for a long time and finally decided to just stop talking to her altogether because it was getting too much for us.
The problem is, I had introduced her to many of my other friends she didn’t know before and they’re all friends with her now but they don’t know about my issue with her and what caused me to stop talking to her. Soon, they’ll find out that we don’t talk anymore and I’m wondering what to do, should I explain to them my side of story or should I remain quiet and let them get to know her real character on their own?
Anyone else experienced such issue?? what did you do??
I think it would create more drama/gossip if you tell the other people in your social circle about whatever it is that she did. It could potentially start this ugly battle where you guys both end up going back and forth with "she said this/she did that"...and the involvement of others will only make it stickier.
***You admitted that you and your husband have an "issue" too. This woman may have tried to stir the pot and create problems for you.....but you can't put ALL the blame on her and her husband. The reason being that you and your husband are both adults....you both have the ability to reason....and your relationship should be strong enough so that you try to communicate your concerns with another in a calm and positive way as opposed to becoming easily "bharkaao'ed" or rushing to believe the negative things someone else suggests about your partner. Since you and your spouse also have to take responsibility for your own actions/relationship..........I would say that it's better to take this as a learning experience and stop interacting with this woman.
I think it's a positive step that you have the courage to recognize areas of improvement in your relationship....and it's also good that you are aware of the external sources (such as this "friend") who is an instigator. If you can't ignore her completely, then just maintain a civil distance. You don't have to hang out with her...you can make excuses. You can greet her....but you can choose not to reveal details about your personal life with her (knowing she can't be trusted). It's hard for people to change....and soon enough others will pick upon her negative qualities as well. I've observed that eventually what happens is that SEVERAL people end up being on the same page about a person's character. I think that avoidance is better than telling all the other friends what she did. The latter would get complicated.
Cutting all contact with her was a good call. I hope you also had a nice chat with your hubby about trusting you more than the outsiders.
As for your question: Don't get involved in mudslinging but if others bring her up in a conversation or if they question your relationship with her, just tell them you're not on good terms with her because she caused issues in your personal life. That should be sufficient. You don't need to go on about her character or give anyone explainations for why you decided to cut all contact with her. The others can decide for themselves.
I think it would create more drama/gossip if you tell the other people in your social circle about whatever it is that she did. It could potentially start this ugly battle where you guys both end up going back and forth with "she said this/she did that"...and the involvement of others will only make it stickier.
***You admitted that you and your husband have an "issue" too. This woman may have tried to stir the pot and create problems for you.....but you can't put ALL the blame on her and her husband. The reason being that you and your husband are both adults....you both have the ability to reason....and your relationship should be strong enough so that you try to communicate your concerns with another in a calm and positive way as opposed to becoming easily "bharkaao'ed" or rushing to believe the negative things someone else suggests about your partner. Since you and your spouse also have to take responsibility for your own actions/relationship..........I would say that it's better to take this as a learning experience and stop interacting with this woman.
I think it's a positive step that you have the courage to recognize areas of improvement in your relationship....and it's also good that you are aware of the external sources (such as this "friend") who is an instigator. If you can't ignore her completely, then just maintain a civil distance. You don't have to hang out with her...you can make excuses. You can greet her....but you can choose not to reveal details about your personal life with her (knowing she can't be trusted). It's hard for people to change....and soon enough others will pick upon her negative qualities as well. I've observed that eventually what happens is that SEVERAL people end up being on the same page about a person's character. I think that avoidance is better than telling all the other friends what she did. The latter would get complicated.
Thank you...
I agree with you, I can't put 100% blame on her and her husband because of our own lack of understanding as a couple, you'd think we would be mature after 4 years of marriage but I guess not. I was also thinking of not explaining anything to other friends because then I would have to bring up my issue with my husband. It would cause more damage and hurt to us.
I did try to keep distance from her but it didn't really work, since she lives so close to our place it was difficult to avoid seeing her and then we'd get together once in a while but they would cause issues every time so I just decided to confront her and stopped talking!
Cutting all contact with her was a good call. I hope you also had a nice chat with your hubby about trusting you more than the outsiders.
As for your question: Don't get involved in mudslinging but if others bring her up in a conversation or if they question your relationship with her, just tell them you're not on good terms with her because she caused issues in your personal life. That should be sufficient. You don't need to go on about her character or give anyone explainations for why you decided to cut all contact with her. The others can decide for themselves.
You're right, I shouldn't stoop low and backstab her...I'll just tell my friends what you said. Rest is upto them to judge!
You decided to confront her? I think that's a good idea. Calmly explain to her your concerns...how they make you feel...and tell her that it has come to a point where it's making it difficult for you to spend time with her as you noticed that the same issues repeat themselves every time you guys hang out. That way you're being direct with her....and she'll get to hear how it's affecting you. It would be interesting to hear what she has to say. Who knows? She may not be aware of her actions. Or maybe she is aware....but some people feel that they can get away with things just because no one has ever called them on it. If you let her know...she has the choice to either make the effort to be more considerate of your feelings..OR..she can get angry and defensive and try to screw your over. If it's the latter...or if she continues with her toxic behavior....avoid her without telling other friends all the details...and they'll eventually pick up on it themselves. Talk to her.....otherwise it'll come as a surprise to her when she hears from other friends that you're avoiding her because she caused issues (that she's not aware of) in your personal life.
^I confronted her by sending a msg to her and told her I won't talk to her again. She sent me an email telling me how she's so shocked and she and her husband were always joking. She was very defensive and she also called me rediculous and said that I'm too sensitive,etc. I didn't bother replying to her. Well, I'm at a stage where I don't feel I need to explain anything because there were many times when she passed rude comments and tried to create misunderstanding between me and my husband, she clearly knew what she and her husband were doing so there's no point in talking to her because she'll only defend herself and call me names!
I don't know where to ask this so thought I'd post here:
I had a friend, a good friend who turned out to be very jealous and she caused a lot of issues between me and my husband to make herself feel good since she's insecure about some things in her life. Basically, she and her husband would say stuff and kind of 'bharkao' my hubby and make him say stuff(I know we have an issue too) that he'd regret later and we would argue because I felt hurt. I put up with her for a long time and finally decided to just stop talking to her altogether because it was getting too much for us.
The problem is, I had introduced her to many of my other friends she didn't know before and they're all friends with her now but they don't know about my issue with her and what caused me to stop talking to her. Soon, they'll find out that we don't talk anymore and I'm wondering what to do, should I explain to them my side of story or should I remain quiet and let them get to know her real character on their own?
Anyone else experienced such issue?? what did you do??
I'll say just remain quiet unless one of those friends ask you "why you two arenot talking etc etc?" and then explain them your story. :)
Good for you! She could have tried to understand that people are sensitive about different things....and if a certain kind of behavior/joke/etc hurts you ....then she could have said that she'll try to be more careful next time. That's just simple courtesy. It's not like you're asking for her to make a major change. If she does contact you....then this is the point that you should make to her.
^Well she apologized for her 'jokes' but then went on to calling me names like rediculous, over sensitive and negative!
I really don't want to talk to her anymore...it seemed like she wasn't sincere and wasn't happy for me, whenever she was alone with me she would say stuff like 'u do so much and your husband should help you with household chores' and when my hubby was present she and her husband would say since i stay home i have all day to relax, watch TV etc and my hubby is the one who has to 'go to work' and i'll max out all my hubby's CC's, etc etc....It clearly showed that they wanted us to argue!!
Wow CA...Im glad you got rid of her! People like that are the actual source of negativity. She sounds like she was jealous of you and making fun of you in front of your husband was her way of putting you down and potentially starting a war between you and hubby.
I wouldnt say anything to friends...let them find out on their own who she is. If someone says something to you, give them some surface information but dont get into a tit for tat type battle. That will make you no better than her. If you want to confide in a very close friend you can trust just to talk it out, thats fine. But dont let it go further than that.