estranged from fam?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Are any of you guy estranged from your family/know anyone that is? How did you/they manage it and take that step?

I’m going through a tough time. For the past month things have gotten really bad with my parents and me. I know I’m ghussay ki thaiz but I’m at a complete loss as to what I’ve done. My sister and i got into an argument a month back; my mom jumped in to defend my sister even after SHE was the one doing batameezi with me (she’s younger than me). Since that day–a month ago–my mom hasn’t talked to me. In fact she makes tanzeeya remarks to my sister went so far as to call me her dushman today in the afternoon before I went to work. (She was referring to the fact that a “dushman” of hers spent $$$ on a purse–>I just did that). Anyways, I left for work in a bad mood.
I come home tonight and my dad starts yelling at me about how I’m hiding my expenses from them. I was really confused because even though I’m 22 my parents get my credit card statements, my paychecks; they handle my $$. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about and he accused me AGAIN of doing it on purpose–implying i was doing something shady on the side (ie: bf) and was keeping funds hidden because of that. At that point I lost it. I consider myself of strong moral character and it really puts me over the edge that my parents can levy accusations against their own daughters for stupid things like that. So I told him that he must’ve made a mistake because I haven’t ever even talked to the credit card company and of course he got in my face about it and suggested I was calling him a liar.
Now my mom is chiming in saying that I have no contribution in the house (I’m the only one in the family that has a job, I would just like to point out) and that they need to get rid of “this aazaab” as soon as possible.

I’m honestly really done with it. I leave for school in a 3 months and I’m trying to cut off all ties with them after that. I’m sure God won’t be happy with me but they’re treatment recently is putting me over the edge to the point where I’ve started to have thoughts of hurting myself. I really don’t know what to do. I’m completely dependent on them for everything because my dad has set up the system like that. I don’t even know what to do if I wanted to. I’m contemplating leaving the house in the morning (I have class) and going to find a shelter? I woudl go to a hotel but my dad’s going to cancel my credit card and phone for sure if I do that. My car is under their name too so I can’t even take that. I’m honestly at a complete and total loss.

sorry for the vent session. but i’m at the end of my rope.

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Re: estranged from fam?

Just sleep over it :)

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Re: estranged from fam?

I don't think this is enough of a reason to leave home, you're clearly angry and you need feel a bit calmer to make any rational decisions.

I understand the arguments about money cos I've had the same with my parents but it's just something where they think they have the right to because they are your parent. The fact that they already know/look at how much you spend/earn shows that you're still their child to them.

It sounds like your parents are actually stressed out about money, maybe they don't lack it exactly, but they may still be conscious of the importance that money can have, and maybe you need to ask them if they have any worries there.

A lot of asian parents just get angry over stuff instead of talking it over, and sometimes it falls to us to take the first step and talk to them sensibly. So just talk to them without provoking another argument and ask them what the sudden worry over money is.

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Re: estranged from fam?

Don't take such an extreme step now. There can be ways to sort things out before you lose your patience to leave your family and house. Try to talk to them. If anyone in your family/ extended family is on talking terms with you, discuss things with them and ask them to be bridge between your parents and you. Try to figure out whats bothering them. They might be wrong and there can be some middle way. Be calm and think about everything before you take any step.

5

Re: estranged from fam?

It must be hard to feel like your are hurting you emotionally but taking such a step is foolish, problems go away actions stay

Just do your level best and not any more..

Don't let things stress you as long as you know you haven't done anything wrong or ALLAH, nothing really should matter..

Just chill watch funny movies, smile and stay happy, they will get the picture and move on to other dilemmas

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Re: estranged from fam?

Chill out. I have experienced much worse but still I say it without any doubt that my parents love me the most and are the best in the world

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Re: estranged from fam?

I'm sorry the 22 year old girl is supporting her parents not the other way around how are they looking at her from a parent kind of view and not being greedy?So just because they are your parents they can/say and do whatever you want and you can never leave them?Also I don't understand why it would be SO EXTREME to live by herself? She clearly can support herself so why not?OP: Why don't your parents have a job? Do you live overseas or Pakistan?

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Re: estranged from fam?

lahorikudi](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/members/lahorikudi.html) - so sorry to hear this; you must protect yourself first rest comes later

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Re: estranged from fam?

I went through this when I was 22 when I moved out. You're not alone. :) BTW, moving into a hotel is dumb.

I'm very confused by your above statements. You're in the U.S. right? How does your dad get your paychecks UNLESS you yourself hand it to him? Or you have it deposited into his account?

And what is preventing you from walking into a bank, and getting your own checking account? What is preventing you from getting your own credit card? Most credit cards these days offere a "paperless statement" option so you can do everything online (ie. they will not mail you any paper statements to your house). Since you have a job, why can't you get your own phone?

So what will happen if you did not give your paycheck to your dad? Is he going to beat you? Kick you out of the house?

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Re: estranged from fam?

I'm confused about how your Dad gets your paycheck too. You need to start asserting more control over your finances. I'm not saying stop giving your parents money, but maybe set up 2 direct deposits of your paycheck - 1 in parents' account, and 1 in your own. You're an adult and looks like you're financially independent too. There is no reason why your parents should micromanage your finances to the extent of analyzing your credit card statements! Most parents help their young adult kids with financial decisions, but not to the extent of scrutinizing cc spend and demanding justification for expenses.

Your parents' attitude is definitely concerning. It seems like they're taking you and your contribution to the family for granted. You need to stand your ground and not be a doormat. Leaving the house (for school) may just be a blessing in disguise so you understand the value of each other.

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Re: estranged from fam?

wow even reading what I wrote last night, I'm surprised. I was pretty pissed off.

I live in the US. My parents had jobs but one of was laid off (thank you, economy) and the other just got super injured so is on leave. We have a lot of property so that is helping us financially.

The reason my dad gets my paycheck is fairly stupid. It's because that's how it's always been done. I blame my mother 100% for this. He's a control freak and she's the enabler. She's, unfortunately, been a pretty big doormat when it came to finances, always deferring to him in terms of that. Because of that, my dad's begun to expect it. When I was younger, it was fine but now that I"m older it makes me mad to no end that I have to justify every expenditure. I mean, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a shopaholic and my dad uses that to justify why the money's going to him. And the whole "we're a family, there's no mine and yours" is what they all use. I'm fine with that mentality as I haven't had problems spending money but it DOES piss me off when they take the fact that they have control over my finances BECAUSE I LET THEM and throw it in my face.

I agree the hotel idea was dumb. But I did end up coming out to a coffee shop to study and get work done away from home so I can calm down. I need a way out because I can't handle the micromanaging in all my affairs (my dad turned down a fairly good rishta last month because, according to him, the guy wasn't "good enough" even though EVERYONE else was on board. Eventually he made his disdain so obvious that the guy's side backed out) and school seems to be the only way without having them cut me off. I sound laalchi as hell but I start medical school and I can't afford to have them cut me off completely.

I don't know. I know they are stressed because of some financial stuff that just happened a few weeks back and I'm still dealing with the failed rishta tha seemed to be going well. And I guess we're all a little stir crazy from being around each other so often. I just don't appreciate the insults and jabs at my character. It makes me sad because I feel like most desi people have really stable/good relationships with parents and here I am complaning about mine.

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Re: estranged from fam?

Hey lahorikudi](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/members/lahorikudi.html),

The first thing, take a deep breath and calm yourself down. You are not going anywhere, because we all are dependent on each other for lot of stuff.
These relationships are for life, even if you cut them off, you will have more burden to forget them for your life time.
Please read this article on Washington Post, a great advice, may not be your situation but will help you to figure out the relationships with your father.
Carolyn Hax: With a dad who disappoints, adjust your expectations - The Washington Post

Now, the next part, (been there done that), I hope you haven’t been called F16 (laraka Tiyara), I would highly recommend to go for anger management class, therapist visits wouldn’t be bad either. I know you are so stressed out, how can you study or just do your job. The anger management will help you not only the situation you are in, but also the future life with your husband/kids, you may be able to teach them, so this is a must. We all run to the doctor if we have a hiccup, but when it comes to issues like these, we tend to fix our self.

Second part, never even think about moving out, or even stay out longer then needed even for studies, you will give them more fodder to blame you. As I wrote earlier, we are all dependent on each other, if you move out, how the hell you are going to get marry? I wouldn’t take any risk on this. You also nee suport for your school as well, may not be money but moral support.

Third:
About your finances, don’t make any change as of right now, go about this very slowly, apply for a credit card, even if you have to get a small LOC, and when you get that, do mention to your family about it. After getting your credit card, go to your bank and open an acct, I would do it in 3-5 months period of time, so they aren’t under the impression that you are leaving them. Then go to your employer and have them direct deposit some of the money to your acct, not all of it and do let your dad know, never go through your mother for all this, talk to him directly. So no one can manipulate what your saying or doing. The reason you are opening up credit card or acct is that you want your credit history for later use.Once you are in college, you will have excuse to use all your money.

Fourth:
Be VERY VERY VERY nice to them, so they would be willing to trust you. Since you are the eldest (my guess), just behave with your baby sister, she will come to you later in life and ask for help, never deny that either.
I’m saying all this because you have to live with them (even on campus) for ten more yrs until you get your Md degree, you have to just agree any terms with them now. Don’t worry about the rishta, once you are an MD, you will have plenty of boys drooling..smile..

Life is not easy, this is your first issue, desi families have issues, you aren’t alone, we just don’t advertise.

Best of luck for your school and getting love from family!!

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Re: estranged from fam?

^funny how easy it has become for us to suggest AM classes & therapists etc, seem so sincere in advising, when we have no clue about the person besides these few posts

shocked, sad or both? - idk

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Re: estranged from fam?

wthhh

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Re: estranged from fam?

Firstly, you suggesting anger management suggests it’s her with issues.. which she obviously doesn’t have.. Going by the description I can’t see unreasonable behaviour from her side..

Secondly, IF she went to therapy/counselling they are pretty much going to say why on earth is she letting her dad take her paychecks and tell her off for spending HER own money?? They are NOT going to turn anround and advise her to adjust her attitude or behaviour because the way she is feeling is how most reasonable people would if they were in her situation..

I’m pretty sure they will tell her to do what someone here has already suggested - change her banking arrangements and try and become more independent (financially and in day-to day life).. IF her life at home really is becoming unbearable and affecting her studies etc. they will most likely help if she feels she really does need to move out.. Obviously tho that should be last resort..

The article you linked to is a completely different situation where the person has NO other option but to accept what the father has already done.. This is NOT the case here.. Also, as strange as you might find it some girls actually do manage to get married after moving out.. One ex has already been mentioned in this thread..

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Re: estranged from fam?

You dont sound lalchi. You are lalchi. IF your intention is just to keep "in contact" with your parents so that they can pay of on your medshool. If you want your own life and wanna have the control, be brave enough to stand up now. Loads of people put themselves through schools/colleges and so can you. Its not really a big issue as of such. You cant pick and choose in this matter.

17

1-Move out, get student loans for your education and live an independent life.

2- talk to them rationally, have your pay stubs or statement and ask them where they see less coming in? Don't make it a financial issue but that you want to resolve any trust issues. Same for credit card statements. If they can't respond rationally at first, back away, provide the same in writing so they can read it in their own time. There is an issue of financial stress, control and ego.. None from you that I see, which may prevent a dialogue, but give it a shot and see what happens.

As far as your mom goes, talk to her separately about the sister incidence, but go in with a goal to smooth things out not get into a right or wrong dialogue. Reason being that too much time has passed and it's more about what has happened since.

Parents are human, fallible, imperfect, with all flaws that we can expect in anyone else. Often those don't impact the children but sometimes they do.

You are an adult, as you try to take your own weaknesses out if the equation as you try to find a middle ground, you will see if there is a middle ground, and then can figure out your path.

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Re: estranged from fam?

I know several M.D.'s who went through medical school, residency, AND fellowship without any financial help from their parents due to various reasons. It wasn't easy for them. Life was far from cushy but thanks to their determination, they made it.

from what you have written here so far.....you have the resources available to you (and you're old enough) where you can live life as an independant adult while trying to improve your relationship with your parents. But if living as an independant adult is too much for you to handle...and you want to continue leading a financially cushy life by having your parents help you financially as you finish med school, then in my opinion, you really shouldn't be complaining about any of this.

Everything in life has its price. In your case, it looks like the treatment you're getting is going to be your "price" for having the luxury of not having a very difficult time while finishing med school.

19

Re: estranged from fam?

Find man - get parental consent - get married - live with hubby - continue your education

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Re: estranged from fam?

The first time I read this, I was totally on your side. Your parents are not treating you as an adult and this is something I easily get irritated about. My own parents, while being strict in many ways still gave me my independence in regards to things like my finances. It was unsaid but obvious that they expected me to save for my future but they did not interfere I guess because they knew already my nature.

But reading the posts again, and although they are not acting reasonably or in a caring manner, your behaviour isn't exactly mature either. You're earning your own money now but until then, who were you relying on to feed you and clothe you? It must be very a very difficult time for them at the moment, given their financial situation. How do you think they feel to see you spending '$$$' on non-essential stuff when they don't have the luxury to do so. I get that it's your money and you feel you should be able to do as you please for it but you should be empathic to the people around you.

I doubt you'd be able to fulfill your shopaholic desires if you were paying rent and bills and wanted to save. To be honest I think you should be contributing to the household expenses if you're not already.