Engagement breaking

redvelvet · September 7, 2010, 5:09pm

Re: Engagement breaking

My Vision 2007 (10,000) thread

She stood up and met with aunti and again sat on sofa…

The girl DID stand up the very first time that she met the guy and his parents. If the guy failed to notice her height at this moment, the parents should have noticed it. So, it’s not like she only stood up on the day of the Nikkah. Did the guy’s parents EVER ASK HIM what qualities (physical, etc) that he wants in his future wife? I think it is the parents job to ask…and if they failed…he should have told them what he wanted. That way, if small stature was KNOWN to be unacceptable, then this rishta wouldn’t be pursued further. ** I hope that the parents are wiser now…and WILL ASK their beta what he wants in a girl or that he’ll tell them his preferences.
**

According to my cousin that he only put a glance on her and didn’t notice anything.

WHY? Is he generally very shy around girls? Has he never interacted with girls in college/uni…or the work place? Did his parents prevent him from interacting with this girl…OR…did HE decide that he should act sharmeela on this visit? Okay, so he prays 5 times a day and is really “shareef”…but he should know that Islam allows you to LOOK at a prospective candidate for marriage. The parents (from both his side and the girl’s side) should have encouraged the guy and the girl to talk in person.…separately. That way, the guy would have felt more comfortable to LOOK at the girl without the parents gawking at him. Maybe that can be done in the future.

Anyways he asked uncle aunt to break the engagement asap but they didnt agree to it coz of khof e Khuda .

What if your cousin DID marry the girl and he was very miserable? And then he divorced her. Shouldn’t there be more “khof e khuda” for a divorce than there is for an engagement? Why is everyone so scared about breaking the engagement? Engagements are not (from what I’ve heard) even “valid/recognized” in Islam. Although, I like them myself. So, it’s not like the cousin broke a commitment that had any weight from an Islamic perspective.

He says that I should have looked at her before engagement and perhaps wo larki abb kahin mujhey bud dua na dey blah blah.As I told you before that really he is a very shareef guy and namaazi mashaAllah.

Yes, and he needs to learn from this experience and he needs to stop associating “shyness” with being “shareef” especially when it comes to selecting a marriage partner. In the future, he needs to TELL his parents what qualities he wants in a girl…and he should take a better look at the girl…maybe ask for a picture first…and then personally SEE the girl…and he should ask his parents to speak with the girl privately to get to know her. He should learn about what Islam allows him to do when it’s time to select a spouse…what his rights are, etc.

My cousin sometimes get upset tht why didnt he analyse her before.. uncle aunti often make him realize that he shouldnt have broken the engagement etc.He is in constant torture.What do you all guys think.

**
Now, IT IS THE PARENTS’ FAULT if they are constantly making him feel guilty for breaking the engagement. Why on Earth can’t some desi parents think LONG TERM about such things? Why are they so friggin stuck in short-term mentality? Short-term mentality includes concerns like “laug kya kahain ge?”…whereas long-term mentality considers more severe consequences such as divorce, etc. Parents need to weigh the priorities and consequences and stop giving their son the guilt trip. He broke an engagement not a marriage. There is not shortage of men for this girl…she WILL get married to whomever Allah has destined her to be with. THe parents also need to accept some responsibility if they’ve never asked their son what he wants in a girl…if they’ve never discussed the procedure with him…and they also need to accept some guilt/responsibility for having the “sooli par char jao” mentality…because the sooli will naturally destroy the girl’s life as well. It’s easy to blame your son…but reflect over your own mistakes as parents as well.
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Was he right in his decision to break the engagement or not?.

^The careless manner/method in which he went about agreeing to the rishta…WAS NOT RIGHT. He needs to improve the method. But he was “right” in breaking the engagement …rather than breaking a marriage, which would be much more worse.

*************** **Also, in the future, if your cousin does not want to marry a girl…or has decided to reject the rishta…HE AND HIS PARENTS need to HAVE THE DECENCY AND COURAGE to inform the girl’s parents themselves. Getting a family friend to reject the rishta is cowardly…and the girl’s family may have found it embarrassing even.

**To sum it up:

If your cousin prefers having an arranged marriage…then his parents need to ask him what qualities he wants in a girl. This would be more useful than giving him the guilt-trip. That way the parents will know his criteria for a girl…BEFORE…paying a visit to the girl’s house. If the parents STILL don’t ask…then he needs to be more proactive and TELL THEM what he wants in a girl.
Next time, he needs to do more than just a “jhalak.” Doesn’t mean that he should gawk at the girl. But there’s nothing wrong with a confident look.
He can request his parents to ask the girl’s parents to …allow both the guy and the girl to talk to one another separately. This way…in the absence of parents…he may feel more comfortable looking at/interacting with the girl.
If he feels “shy” or “uncomfortable” with being more proactive…then he can just read up on his Islamic rights for interacting with a candidate for marriage.