Emotionally Weak Men

Lifestyle Relationships
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so what’s the deal with that?

So, heres the scenario. Guy (22) loves this girl, has done so for say the past 5 years…and he ends everything…because…he knows his family wouldn’t accept the girl. this girl is beautiful, intelligent, values her own traditions etc etc…

The guy believes he’ll never get anyone better… he harps on about how she’s the love of his life, YET he doesn’t have the strength to stand upto his family. What’s that all about? He’s scared about the future, is unsure about himself, i believe he has some sort of inferiority complex too and he knows he’s too weak to stand upto his tyrannical mother (the problem here is that the girl is a different caste, who even looks at that in this day and age?)

I appreciate the fact that he is young, so he will have doubts but to give up even before you’ve got to the stage where you have to tell your parents and fight, due to the fear that you wouldn’t succeed..that’s just weakness.

and the irony is…the girl is very strong, would fight the world for this guy, would be able to bring her parents around to the idea even though he wouldn’t meet their standards, yet the guy is such a wimp. The girl, is still hopelessly is love (the whole notion of ‘first love’ and also the fact that the guy is actually REALLY nice, a true gentleman) and would do anything to make it work…she’s even willing to wait another 5 years for the guy…

How can the girl get over this? She’s known this guy for the past 5 years and she is deeply in love.

Why are some guys emotionally so weak? i have seen many examples and have had to spend hours counseling friends with broken hearts.

This one is different because they both really love each other but the guy’s to f’ing weak to take a stand for the girl.

it’s just such a frustrating situation.

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Re: Emotionally Weak Men

She will get over it.Believe me!And its much better for her to marry someone who can take a stand for her rather than marrying a guy who cant!and specially a guy who has a mother like the on you have described will have difficulty to fight for her when needed.

Sometimes the tough choices in life are much better than suffering in such relationships. It will take time to get over it. She will be sad and depressed for a while but once she realizes that she deserves better, she will be happy to move on in life.

Perhaps they were both too young when they met and fell in love. The older she'll get, she'll realize that this was best for her.

Good luck to her:)

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Some boys/me and girls/women are not emotionally strong at any age. She should move on in quest for someone stronger and more matured.

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Re: Emotionally Weak Men

what?

so u mean to say he was in this relationship since he was 17

and yeh listen to what Chameli is saying.....

i am sure u never like it if later on ur husband never stood up for u....
guys have bigger responcibility given by Allah .... they have to balance all the relationships.... they have to give enough respect to his mom that she deserves and enough support to his wife.

WHY some guys are emotionally weak? well thats how their moms raise them. these mom never let them take any decisions and when they do she always try to criticize it and make him feel that he is not gud at it. He is never give an opportunity to prove himself.

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Tell her to move on and forget about this guy.

Not saying the guy isnt nice but they're not good for each other. She loves him right now but will get sick and tired of him if she has to bend over backwards to accomodate his tyrannical mother with him not saying a word to help her. SHe will lose respect for him.

He loves her right now but might end up resenting her because she will inevitably complain to him about her MIL being such a meanie and guess where that will end up?

She will be joining GS and then WE will be counseling her.

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Re: Emotionally Weak Men

In my opinion, most girls mature much faster than guys. At 22, most guys don't know what they want and that's why they stand up to their parents.

I would suggest that you move on or atleast keep your options open. In 5 years, a lot can change.

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and the irony is...the girl is very strong, would fight the world for this guy, would be able to bring her parents around to the idea even though he wouldn't meet their standards,

She sounds like me and I can tell you from experience its better for her to move on. He has his priorities right, does she?

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Re: Emotionally Weak Men

I think its smart of him to end it now instead of waiting longer and he is an IDIOT for dragging it for 5 years when he knew he wouldn't be able to convince his parents.

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Thanks for your replies guys.

Chameli420 Thanks for your reply, i think everyone says the same thing to her, but it's been five years, they've been through alot together (including a few breakups but they always end up together) so it's hard for her to get over it. Also, she's a hopeless romantic and wanted the fairy tale ending and thought this was the guy she would end up marrying, you know the one guy for life. She's becoming bitter and cynical now and it breaks my heart to see her like this.

Mirch i agree with your statement that some people are never emotionally strong, it's innate i guess. but she finds it hard to comprehend that he would rather be miserable without her than stand upto his parents...he wants to marry her yet doesn't think he can go against his mother, who btw he hates and who is costantly putting him down.

annymou5 Yes, they are college sweethearts, so they were 16/17 when they met and fell in love over the years. i think you are completely right about mothers destroying their sons confidence and making them emotionally weak. He's always been given a hard time by his mom, and it's hard for the girl to understand why he'd leave her for someone who makes him utterly miserable. She appreciates that this is his mom and he should always be there for her to support her etc, yet to give up love, in order to make this woman happy who's always made his life hell, it just seems stupid. he'll end up marrying some one his mom's chosen, may end up miserable...i mean, marriage is a life long thing...this decision, he'll have to live with for the rest of his life.

PSquaredI think he may resent her already for being so emotionally strong and having achieved (he thinks) more in life...maybe.
See, the prob is, the girl knows what his mothers like and she's willing to deal with that, she thinks it can work out if only he just takes this stand once. She so strongly believe that and is willing to wait around for him.

njgal thanks i agree with you, but again, she's just clinging on to him because she wants to marry the guy she loves, she believes he's made the wrong decision and will regret it...and that he's going to leave her with a life long regret too, with comparisons to make all her life...

PhatBalongriI agree. it's just such a sad situation because i don't know how to help her get over her..well fears. She's scared she'll end up unhappy (as now she'll have an arranged marriage...and i know arranged marriages do work out, i've seen examples myself), she's scared she'll never be able to move on, will compare her hubby with her first love...

I think the sheer fact that she had an image in her head, a plan of her life, with this guy... since she was so young...now she's left with nothing, no inkling about her future or how/where she'll end up. it scares her. thats her biggest fear.

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if there is any uncertainty whatsoever on his part......MOVE ON! because a man that loves you will marry you no matter what obstacles he will endure. be it 10 yrs from now...but he will do so without any doubt in his mind.

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The way you are describing this guy I guess he is suffering from Oedipus syndrome or he respects his mom too much and is willing to sacrifice his emotional well being for the emotional well being of his mother.

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Marriage is not easy and the way that things are going these days, it's best to marry a guy who is confident, secure, and strong. If he doesn't even have the courage to tell his family that he is interested in a girl, the how will he ever have the courage to support this girl OR ANY GIRL that he marries in the future?

A relationship is supposed to be mutual, so why should the girl be the only one to make the effort toward a family agreement for marriage? The guy should make an effort as well. Otherwise, you know how our culture is. Later on people are going to look down on the girl and say that she's the "baysharam desperate larki chasing after a guy." It's going to hurt her izzat **more than his. Although i'm sure being labeled a **COWARD doesn't do wonders for his self-image either. Still, soceity will label her the shameless desperate girl and the boy will be labeled a dutiful son who dare not even attemt to go against mommy's wishes.

A couple of years ago this guy named Greg Behrendt came out with a book titled, He's Just Not That Into You. He also set up his own talk show related to the book and now a movie based on the book will be coming out soon. According to He's Just Not That Into You, if a guy is truly, sincerely, genuinely, wholeheartedly interested/in love with a girl, then NOTHING will stop him from getting the girl. The book says that women make excuses for guys thinking that he's too shy, or that he's hurting from a previous relationship, or that he lost her phone number, or that he's afraid of commitment. Behrendt says that even the shyest chicken-**** coward of a guy will get over his issues and marry the girl if he is sooooooo confident that she's the one for him. And any guy who has a long-term girl and is unsure.......is simply too uncomfortable to reject her, so therefore is just keeping the girl *"hanging around." * I've seen the most unestablished (career-wise) outwardly weakest looking guys put their foot down and marry the girl regardless of family disapproval. In fact they kept on persisting until their mommies got too afraid of losing them and gave in. And their marriages are fine.

I don't know how much TRUTH there is in the book, He's Just Not That Into You or in Greg Behrendt's claim of speaking on behalf of the majority of men. But it does make me wonder, if some desi guys can stand up, then could that possibley mean that he's just not into you if he doesn't. Cuz if he were, nothing should stop him right. Or perhaps I'm wrong and generalizing this too much. Afterall, you're up against the woman who brought you into this world and raised you....maybe any sort of difference in opinion was never encouraged, so that just unfortunately became the norm in the guy's family.

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i saw this on a billboard somewhere ..
"If a man can't stand up for something, What won't he fall for"

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Miss T, a friend of mine went through this.

They end up breaking up when he was 23 (they had also been together for 6 years!!) because he, as you said, was so damn emotionally weak.

But, here is the twist, SHE broke up with him. She told him to get a life and for 2 years NO talk and no contact and guess what, they are now re-united, he's 25 now, more mature, understands her value/place in his life and is making it work now.

Not saying you do the same, or that same will happen to your friend.. just saying it's probably the age and him still thinking his parents will be the ultimate decision makers in his every aspect of life.

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Miss T - A very close someone to me had a similar situation. She felt so strong that he was her first love and waited for him to complete medical school and give the family time.

Her parents were so dishearted because HIS parents treated her like crap.

The parents just didn't like her. They never agreed and he never stood up for her. He could not make them change their mind.

It gave her tons of heartache. After long 4 years - he got married to someone else. And the poor girl she was all alone.

Her parents blamed her and said she did this to herself. The community was like oh she had a boyfriend for the last 8 years. I think she went into depression. He ruined HER life!

I wish she would have kept her options open. Saying okay I'll wait but if some better rishta comes along.

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Re: Emotionally Weak Men

^ That is heartbreaking…

Girls should leave the guys. :mad:

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I wouldnt really call him 'emotionally weak' He is 22 years old, as an individual he is not ready for marriage. SO SO SO young man!

Isn't 'love' supposed to overcome ALL obstacles? Clearly not. Another example of why 'love' does not exist. It is just a state of mind!!!!

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He is kinda like an aching tooth, you can either keep taking pain medicines and keep it or go through intense pain once and get over with it.

If he was at least willing to talk to his parents or make an effort, I would say its worth a shot. But there is no reason to wait around for something that isn't going to happen. She shouldn't let go of her dreams of being happy, just take him out of the picture and put brad pitt-and-tom cruise-look-alike-with-ll-cool j's body in it.

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22 is young for a guy. Who knows? Maybe a few years down the road he'll develop some courage to confront his family about his interest in this girl. In the mean time, the girl needs to realize that guy is young not only age-wise but emotionally "young" as well compared to her. Another option could be an engagement for the time being. Don't know how well that would work out.

I also think that she should distance herself from him a bit and just develop herself as a person. Develop her interests, her career goals, her personality, just take a break and discover who she is as a person without him. I had an American friend who was in a long-term relationship with a guy who was not that great. But she wanted to get married and was so afraid of losing this guy and experiencing the possibility of finding someone "better." She was CONSUMED with this guy, that while she was with him she was blind to the affect he had over her. He was emotionally frigid, he had no REAL career ambitions besides becoming a POKER CHAMPION, he bossed her around for stupid things (not allowing he to wear purple), and she NEVER KNEW wear she stood with him....because he kept going back and forth, yanking her chain, leading her on, and turning to her only when it suited his mood.

So, I told her to distance herself from him a bit and work on developing/finding herself. And that's just what she did! She became so much more happier, independent, healthier, stronger!!!!! It's like she finally realized how much she had LOST herself in him and didn't know who she was a person. Stepping away from him allowed her to see that he wasn't as GREAT as she thought he was. Anyhow, she now has the most wonderful caring Middle-Eastern boyfriend, pursued her dream of becoming an editor and found an editing job for a magazine in New York, where she will be moving soon, and plans to work on her own novel one of these day.

Did she wait for the first guy? Kind of. She stepped away from him to develop herself.......and give him the chance to miss her, realize her worth, and come chasing after her to make a commitment. Well, that didn't happen. And so she realized he just didn't care enough about her and went to find herself.

So, maybe this girl just needs to step away and put things in perspective.

Earth Quake 8th Ocober , Memories , AJK , Work done by Imran and others
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Re: Emotionally Weak Men

Great advice dispensed by redvelet ^

~~~Missing Someone~~~