Elderly

Lifestyle Relationships
1

With the rising phenomenon of DIL’s not tolerating housing their in-laws, or living with their in-laws, and families becoming increasingly nuclear, what do you think is the future for our elderly? Do you know desi families that put their elderly in nursing homes? Or that encourage their elderly to co-inhabit with other elderly? Or this falls on one of the sons and his wife just has to run a nursing home in her house?

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Re: Elderly

I think it IS really really hard to live with inlaws. No matter which way you look at it, there is a certain charm and freedom living alone with your husband. Its how we all picture things. But I don't think I'd ever have the heart to tell my husband to shift his parents into a nursing home. I wonder about my own future and hope my kids will not think of me as a burden. I wonder about my own parents and how they might need us one day. How would it be right? To answer your question PCG...I don't know of any families that are making their elderly live in homes. I hope we never see nursing homes rising in our families. I know its hard but what is easy in life?

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Re: Elderly

I don't agree with putting parents in nursing homes. With that said, I don't think it is necessary for his parents to move in with us until they are at the point where they can no longer take care of themselves. When they get to that point where they need assistance, my door is wide open. We live with his parents right now (to save money for a house) but plan to move out and live on our own. He knows that I won't refuse his parents when they are elderly....so eventually they will be back with us again.

4

Re: Elderly

A friend tearfully told me how her family had to put her Nani into a nursing home after Nani unintentionally started multiple fires in the home on separate occasions. This was for Nani's own welfare as well as the safety and welfare of the family. The family looked into nursing homes, and found one that suited their needs. A daughter or grandchild was at the nursing home for meal times, bathing etc. She recounted how life had become quite unpleasant whilst Nani was at home, and Nani became not so agitated in the nursing home, so much so that she lived for another two years.

An elderly Muslim sister was put into a nursing home after being cared for by her best friend for a few years, until the friend could no longer take care of her. The sister in question had not a single family member in this world, with her son dying in his 20's and her husband passing away many years before. I helped with the ghusl janaza, and it was the saddest thing ever. Whilst bathing the deceased in which the friend also assisted, she tearfully begged the deceased for her forgiveness as she tenderly bathed her as it were her own mother or daughter.

As for putting your parents in a nursing home, no, I would never do that, and I can only pray that we don't succumb to that. With the Muslim elderly population on the rise; the talk of nursing home care, or Muslim nursing homes is becoming more common. I know of families who give shoddy care to their elderly, unwell parents. They actually cannot take care of their parents. Then what?

I remember watching a documentary on Muslim Turkish elderly being placed in nursing homes. It was very difficult to watch.

5

Re: Elderly

If women won't tolerate the MIL in their homes. They better pray that their own mother is well taken care off. What goes around comes around.

6

Elderly

I think tolerating your MIL in your newly wed stages and taking care of your MIL in her time of need can not be compared. Most couples who live away from home don't often have parents that need to be taken care of physically, it is more of an issue of not being able to co-exist while everyone is young and adjusting to life but how many people do you guys know that refused to take in their ailing parents and inlaws at old age. I hope not many but there are always rare cases.

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Elderly

I will just hire a nurse when my parents get old and can't take care of them self. My grandmom had her own flat and she had a nurse and a maid to clean her home and do the dishes etc. plus she got delivered food everyday. She didn't wanted to live her sons because she wanted her freedom as she us so my dad brought a flat for her near us so she still could visit us and we her.
It worked fine and I don't remember any fights between DIL(my mom) and saas (grandmom).

8

Re: Elderly

I don't know what I would do when my parents grow old, ideally i would like them to live with me and my future husband but I know that I would never ever expect my children to keep me with them. I have an ego when it comes to these sort of things and I would not want to be a burden on my own children so I personally would prefer to be put into a nursing home if the need came around.

9

Re: Elderly

I don't understand this whole 'burden' attitude that exit in our community. It's so depressing as your post clearly illustrates. I mean daughters are seen as 'burden', parents are considered 'burden' etc. As if blood relations and innate attachment don't mean a thing.

If your child considers you a burden when you are at the stage when you need their support the most, there is obviously something wrong with them not you!

10

Re: Elderly

I dnt get the burden attitude either. Aren't children a burden too? But no one talks of their children being a burden on them? Why have all these relations when you can't call on them in time of need.

11

Re: Elderly

I would not want any of my bazurghs to be put in a nursing home. They took care of us when we needed them the most, so we can do the same for them later on.
Plus I have seen how they treat the elderly in nursing homes. With so much love and affection, Not.

12

Re: Elderly

Complex topic.

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Re: Elderly

Except buying a flat for your mum doesn't work for everyone, not everyone has the extra cash to buy a flat.

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Re: Elderly

Yep, I've volunteered in a nursing home before. No one is nice to the elderly in the nursing home, it's very sad. A lot of elder abuse from even the "nurses".

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Re: Elderly

Everyone should at least visit a nursing home, and perhaps volunteer in one to see what happens there. It's a sad and lonely place no matter how beautifully built and equipped with facilities it is (read: hair salon, spa, etc.). The staff there can be stellar, but they do not fill the void of your family. Staff are busy, with multiple residents/patients to tend to and most of the time patient's have to wait in order to either urinate/have a bowel movement / or be changed after one. They may ensure your physical safety, but do not make up for the longing patients have for their families.

One of my friend's nani had a stroke that was debilitating, she was pretty much bed bound. Friends mom also had health issues, and she was primary care taker of the nani, but it became overwhelming for that she was falling sick. She couldn't keep up with the rigorous routine of changing her, turning her to prevent bed sores, and feeding her that almost took an hour each time. She was shifted to a nursing home, but with a tremendous amount of guilt.

That being said, the extended family system that we have back home is simply non-existent in America. There's no phuphi/chachi/tayee/cousins/daughters/sons who live in the same city who can divide time and take care of their elderly. Most people are working trying to make ends meet, kids are at school/university/jobs, and even if the wife is a housewife, she'll have plenty of things to do around the house. Taking care of a loved one with a chronic illness is extremely hard work. Hiring help at home with a basic home health aide will cost you thousands of dollars per month ($20/hr as per google). Hiring a nurse will be much higher.

I hope none of our parents have to go through that, but it's a sad reality for many. It's better to prepare and plan ahead, and be informed of our options so we can best take care of our parents.

16

Re: Elderly

makes me question why people have children? spend a good part of your youth, energy and money on them and then be considered a burden when they are on their own two feet and you need help.

17

Re: Elderly

Don't you know the standard line of the DILfolk here??I don't have a problem "IF" his parents are really old and are no longer able to function independently, surely i would be more than willing to welcome them. Untill then, I wouldn't have them in my house (they don't write this second sentence to not look bad).Its like, all of a sudden there would be an expiry date on which the his parents would be classified from functioning to non-functioning.......... and the only person who is capable to decide this date is the "DIL" in question.But then again, since they are not able to function independently, and need help, we would make sure to arrange for "professional help" (aka kick them out to the nursing home).

18

Achcha ji, when you want to save money, it’s ok to live with in-laws. But if they need emotional security, they cave live with their married son. Bohut khoob.

19

Everthing aside..i love my parents...and cant imagine putting them to nursing...never!!. I am here..and wat i am coz of my parents duas and support. I am their elder son...so ive got responsiblity over them.

20

Re: Elderly

Ones parents should always be welcome to live with kids. It shouldnt even be an issue. But the the whole khaandan living together is unnecessary unless it really is necesarry, like siblings and their wives and kids and parents.