Elderly abuse...

i feel, justifiably IMO, quite a bit of pride towards our desi cultures that generally tend to stress lots of respect towards one’s elders. i think it’s a wonderful cultural aspect Masha’Allah, found in Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, most of southwest Asia, Oriental cultures etc.. From our childhoods, we have had this respect inculcated in us - you have to stand up when someone elderly enters a room, can’t sit down unless the elderly auntie/uncle has sat down first, and it goes on. It’s an invaluable cultural aspect, i think.

Recently, i have been seeing upclose a few cases of what is termed here in the west as elderly abuse from “children” towards their parents in my Muslim community. Just a very small handful of cases, though, not at all in the way of too many. It’s just that the few cases i have seen have got me thinking and i’m wondering whether anyone else has noticed it as well amongst their desi communities? These “children” i’m referring to are in their mid-30s and their parents are entering their early 60s. Even if i try to describe the type of psychological and mental abuse they are putting their parents through, i literally doubt any of you would believe me. No one would believe it until you see it upclose and personal. It’s frankly really shocking.

The majority of desi parents, Alhamdulillah, do not have to face this; i think this is a very isolated problem. Here in my own Muslim community, i personally know of only a few families where it is occurring. i am not certain why, though; has anyone else observed this as well or am i the only one blabbing about this?

I havent seen such cases, par yes heared about it,
mostly the parents are in a stage that they need the help of their children.... and at this age they are very volnerable and act like kids.......

and the children are out to life their own lives....

par that does not Justefies ( exuse for the wrong spellings) the behavior to "abuse" your parents....

so I guess its a good thing to teach the respect for elders, so we atleast dont ignore our parents, and stil take care for them ....

wese good point pointed out NadiaJee.... :)

i agree with you entirely its mostly a western problem. The ppl that abuse the elderly in such a way forget that they have to get old one day also. All i can say to them is, what goes around comes around.

I have witnessed what I believe you are speaking of in the community here and also in some of the communities of the cities I have lived in prior to this place.

It is indeed unfortunate that some individuals seem to forget how their parents treated them growing up, and how they took care of them. Unfortunate that they dont want to receive the blessings that come with taking care of your parents in their time when their children are needed. Its not a matter of paying them back as I believe one can never truly pay back their parents for their sacrifices.

I believe these are isolated incidents as you state, but then I only think of the "problem" of in-laws that so many bhabi's I have heard complain about, and how they treat them, and in this way it can be stated that yes there is some sort of mistreatment of the elderly, which is in some ways wide-spread. Or maybe I am perceiving it wrong. Feel free to expand on this.

I myself am guilty of abusing the rights my parents have on me. Afterall I am lazy and in turn make them do things whereas I should probably be doing most of it. sigh I only hope to improve, and hope that this matter doesnt become more widespread in the future.

Thank you everyone for your comments. :flower1:

Dear Munni, No that is not what i was referring to. Speaking personally, i find it hard to believe that you of all people would be guilty of abusing the rights your parents have over you. i don’t think you are being “lazy” at all, but i do think you are being too hard upon yourself. i am certain your parents must be thankful, and proud, that they have a daughter like you. Alhamdulillah your actions are so far removed from the type of situation i am thinking of.

Let me give some specific examples of the type of ‘elderly abuse’ i am referring to, although whether anyone will believe the following is pretty slim. This one Auntie i know (quite well, actually) has a son residing in Canada. The son is married. Three years ago, he sponsored her to come live with them in Canada. She had never previously been anywhere outside of Asia before then and was praying for the day when she would see her son whom she had not seen in almost ten years. She arrived. Bear in mind that her age at this point is about 58. Approximately three to four months subsequent to her arrival, her son informed her that she was not allowed to wear ‘traditional’ clothes outside of the house - i.e., no shalwar kameezes, she has to wear ‘western’ attire, pants and shirts - something she never wore in her whole life. As the months progressed, the demands became even more ludicrous and pathetic - he gave her a ‘pocket allowance’ of approximately $10 per week, to be spent as she saw fit. A year subsequent to her arrival, he forced his own elderly mother to start working. This is coming from a man who, by the Grace of Allah, is holding a stable job making of upwards to $60,000 a year. After she started making her own money, the son told her all of her expenses would have to come from her own salary - this includes $200 in so-called “rent” which she monthly pays to her son, as well as items such as basmati rice, spices, etc. - all of these must be paid for by herself via the manual labour job she currently is occupied in. Just last month, by the way, the son had almost closed off a contract to construct a new house for $200,000. Alhamdulillah, in no way are they financially unstable.

In her post, Hanie mentioned an excellent point regarding teaching respect for elders. i think this is ingrained in our desi cultures from a very young age.
If you met this lady, you would find her the most generous person on earth. This is not just my conclusion, EVERYone who meets her - with the exception of these two - cannot help but be touched by her generosity and kindness. i know the family intimately, i knew the son well before i had heard of his mother arriving in Canada.

There are a 1001 experiences i could tell regarding the manner in which the mother is treated… i don’t know what to say about it except that it is simply heart-wrenching to know how much she is suffering. Her son won’t even talk to her now except when he wants to argue with her about some petty issue. After work, she goes to her room, usually passes her time by praying and knitting. i have seen it first-hand and i know by now who is in the wrong. To me, this is elderly psychological abuse at its worst. In Urdu i have heard it stated, ‘Kitna khush naseeb hota hai woh banda jisko Allah Taala aapni maa baap ka khidmat karnai ka mauqa daita hai’. How true. What an opportunity to receive so many Blessings from God.

Nadia, thank you for the clarification and the kind words, was very thoughtful/kind of you. smile

Regarding this matter, I am now seeing things in a different light. Before I would hear about these things and simply feel awful and not do anything about it except tell the few individuals I felt close to as to what I was witnessing. I recently joined a state agency where it is my duty to report any abuse that I see outside of my job. I attended a workshop on domestic violence and abuse and it was a real eye opener. I think that people should make it their duty to be the eyes and ears of society and when they hear such things, try to verify them, and then get involved and try to stop it. Separately, as a muslim(if you are one), it is your duty to try and interfere when you see harm being done to others, whether it be by word, action, or if you simply cant get involved, feeling it in the heart. However I think this principle should appy to everyone, not just muslims.

I have heard of such cases as you mentioned, and some even worse, and therefore I do believe what you have written to be true. That woman needs to have her basic rights met. Mistreatment of the elderly is more rampant than what people think. The statistics on nursing home abuse are horrifying to say the least. Anyway, I would just urge all of us, especially myself, to take notice and try to verify claims, and do interfere, after discussion has been had with the proper individuals. Maybe a referral to some agency or counselor would be good. I'm sure there are some that may disagree with me and say well its none of my business.

However I do realize that sometimes people (including myself) just dont know how to interfere, or are afraid for their own well-being. Or sometimes one has tried and nothing comes of it. sigh

Let me play the devil's advocate here...

Although I would never charge my mother rent or even take a penny from her EVER, I do understand what this guy MIGHT be doing/thinking. Maybe he wants his mom of 58 years age to enjoy the American lifestyle where everybody is independent. I think it is better for her to stay busy rather sit home and cook all day or be on the phone gossipping. She gets to get out of the home and experience a life she has NEVER enjoyed while living in Pakistan. Nowhere did I read that he is physically abusing her.

Anyway, those are just my initial comments and maybe I am assuming too much without knowing the complete background. Things to get confusing when they are heard down the ladder. Maybe the mother in this case is enjoying this new lifestyle but the other women around her don't see it fit since they never got to do it and are just being jealous.

Good post, Nadia.

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by malibu man: *
i agree with you entirely its mostly a western problem. The ppl that abuse the elderly in such a way forget that they have to get old one day also. All i can say to them is, what goes around comes around.
[/QUOTE]

It is not just a western problem. I have seen and heard horror stories of battered MOTHERS, SISTERS and WIVES from all over Pakistan. Not just the pathans who are famous for beating their women but Punjabis and Mhajirs as well. It is an epidemic well rooted in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh.

Nadia, this type of treatment is very common in the US, atleast with the desis I have seen and met. Mostly the people who are well-to-do take this line of action. They have grand palatial houses, and their mom/dad has servant-quarters type living style. As I said, very common. Shocking, yes, and not a lot of people will admit to this type of treatment of their parents, but those people are jerks anyway.

I am glad my parents don't live in the US. They would hate this place.

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Munni: *
Separately, as a muslim(if you are one), it is your duty to try and interfere when you see harm being done to others, whether it be by word, action, or if you simply cant get involved, feeling it in the heart. However I think this principle should appy to everyone, not just muslims.
[/QUOTE]

i can always count on you Munni for some wise words. :~)
Bahaut bahaut shukriya.

Not intending to complicate things any further, but since her son sponsored her to Canada, according to federal laws he is responsible for her wellbeing for a period of ten years. The reason i mention this in particular is because he has used his sponsoring her as the basis of threats against her - i.e., if she doesn't live according to their (his and his wife's) dictates, then he will pack up her stuff and send her 'bori bister' back. She has been residing in Canada continuously for more than three years so technically she should be able to receive her Canadian Citizenship. She could have obtained her Citizenship almost six months ago save for the fact that he refuses to apply for it. (Maybe he fears that once she has the Citizenship, his 'hold' or control over her life will be minimized? But that's just MY guess, i am not precisely certain what's their reasoning there).

>>I do understand what this guy MIGHT be doing/thinking. Maybe he wants his mom of 58 years age to enjoy the American lifestyle where everybody is independent.<<
Fun Guy, no i completely understand what you are stating. Thank you for your response, i really do appreciate it.
There is that perspective as well which should be taken into consideration - maybe he wants the best for her, maybe he doesn't want her to sit at home and idle away her time etc. Maybe ultimately he's doing it for her own good?

i would gladly accept his doing all this IF he did this in the absence of the accompanying - as i perceive it to be - mental abuse. Neither him nor his wife will talk to her (unless we come over); they literally will not talk with her. She is an elderly lady; the very least he could do is say Salaam to his own mother in the mornings before he leaves for work. He will not do that either. They constantly mock her so-called "payndoo-ness" (she does not have formal education beyond grade seven). i would not today be writing such a post if i had not seen and heard this first-hand; i realize that it sounds like i am exaggerating for which son could be this mean to his own mother? Sometimes i don't believe it myself even though it occurs infront of my eyes.

She is doing manual, hard labour work (mopping and cleaning) at a nearby 7-11 store (while her son is Alhamdulillah earning of upwards to $60,000 a year). Subsequent to her coming from work, it is her duty to ensure that the kitchen is clean - all dishes washed, garbage taken out, etc. Around this time both of them return from work - she has to retire to her room so that she does not 'get in the way' of her son and daughter-in-law. She leaves her room only after both of them have eaten their supper; neither will talk to her, neither will bother to check whether or not she is dead or alive in her room. If any of you met her, trust me, i know you would love her at once. She has a heart of gold. This is the type of life she leads.... i am horrified to read Ana's comments that this is prevalent in the US. i would very much hope not....... no one deserves to be degraded in such a manner.

Nadia_H, Now after reading your last post, I would like to retract my assumption that he is doing for her good. Menial jobs are NOT acceptable for a lady her age. Also, that they won't talk to her is a horrific silent crime in itself.

May Allah help this lady's situation.