Earnest help needed!

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Dunno if whatever is going to be said seems like a real problem or am I just being like the boy who cried “Wolf” before it actually came but I need some real, practically applicable suggestions here..

I’ll be soon getting married to my elder phupi’s son who is of my age, quite a contrast to my persona (as in, I’m a chatterbox, too fair, childlike, less religious and friendly) but my parents decided to chose him since they wanted me to be near to them as I’m their only kid and also the other props that came my way were either non-pathans or NRIs ! They felt I’m gonna be happy because my would be father in law, my phupa has always adored me more than his own daughters even though his wife, my own phupo is of a moody nature..And they have a family of eight children (5 sisters and three brothers) with my fiance being the eldest and youngest kid being 4 years old! Whenever people come to know of my rishta they’re like," Hainnn, itne bade parivaar me jaayegi yeh?? Tumhari saas ko itne bache hain? Kaise handle karogi sab?"

Such statements really piss me off and I start doubting my parents’ decision even though I accept the guy’s one real diamond but I hate such responses, it disturbs me like hell!

Then there’s this second twist, my would be ma in law’s younger sis, my dad’s as well, has always been against my parents..She has got some kinda rivalry with no apparent reason. I’ve grown up watching her being venomous and b****y towards my parents and she has a strong influence at my would be in law’s place…they love her n obey her like anything, even my fiance is like her pet..And even my grandfather n chacha are kinda not that loving towards my parents..

My parents and I are well aware that this rascal lady’s gonna create problems in my married life and I cannot expect help from my grandpa or chacha but I assure them saying how strong im gonna be but the truth is I dunno how will I wage a war every now n then with her…It would earn me bad name coz the lady’s a freakin lier n resorts to crying whenever she’s about to being proved wrong n wins all the sympathy! I’ve oftentimes seen her sitting with my would be sis in laws n mocking at me…even those girls seem to be in complete control of her..

Seperate living won’t be possible for some years now and my heart says I should have this ‘ignore-and-they-cease-to-exist’ mantra for such people but she’s such a taunting person..Her taunts hurt my mother more than anyone..My mil knows the existing tension n has told me to forget her relationship with my parents n start this new relation afresh with that lady but I know my kindness won’t have any effect on her..

Friends, I’ve lived life in a cocoon, my parents being over protective n possessive, I’m naive to all the kitchen politics n dirty games…I shudder to think of the moment when my parents will be nomore and I’ll be left with these rapacious people!

We decided to ignore all the things because the guy’s really, I mean really good, as in nature wise but even he seems to be strongly connected to her!

I’ve asked this question to myself for umpteenth number of times and never got a satisfactory reply so I’m asking you all..temme, what am I gonna do to such a person???

2

Re: Earnest help needed!

Relax and stop thinking about the negatives, as someone said “ACHA SOCHO ACHA HOGA” :k:

3

Re: Earnest help needed!

Toxic elders can ruin your life and marriage. and your parents seem to be okay with it , throwing you itno a toxic situation. YOU seem to be okay with them doing it...so then why bother asking for advice? is anything ure gonan say here, going to help u cancel ur wedding?

4

Re: Earnest help needed!

Have you addressed these issues with your fiancé?

What do your eyebrows look like?
5

Re: Earnest help needed!

Yaar Gulnaar
what is wrong with you
itni samajdaar ho aap
and shadi se pehle hi aap khichri bana rahi ho
Look girl you should enter into this relationship wihtout any doubt whatsoever
If you start looking at things that are negative then you will FIND that
what you SEEK is what you will FIND nothing else.

Step into the marriage with open mind and positive thoughts. There is something negative to be find with everything even if u did not have the problems u have just mentioned in your post.........then i am sure u would have come up (else others would have come up) with 10 other problems.

Abhe problem hai hi nahin and you are looking for solutions. :)

Its all about the state of mind and the attitude. Don't be the victim of "self fulfilling prophecy".

Best of Luck!!

6

Re: Earnest help needed!

she can and will create problems..

three options..

  1. decide to be selfless n no matter what bite ur tongue no matter wat she does (dont nag abt such issues to ur husband hell think ur naggy n already finding problems in their loving khandaan)

2.start playing kitchen politicsn dirty games

3.if u see risk(whch their surely is) and get out of the comitment..have the guts to say no at the right time until its to late n u regret tht bfr wedding when u had a chance to back off u dint.(my frnds going thru a divorce cuz of the almost the same reason in this case the vilan was her MIL she had should symptoms of physconess after engagment but she ignored n now after 2yrs she on verge of a divorce)

im not scaring u im asking u what ur nature is u know best..from these 3 options wht will u be able cuz situation is clear in front of u wht u will do with it is the question..one thing is for sure it is an issue u canti ignore it!!

7

Re: Earnest help needed!

Obviously, your best course of action would be to do an istakhara yourself. It is quite simple and almost everyone gets an indication of what to expect in the future. The procedure is very simple and I think it is one of the best gifts of Allah to us. Even if you don't see a dream the first night, keep on repeating and inshAllah you will get a clear indication of what to expect if you do go ahead with the marriage. Its is such an amazing thing and has been recommended for precisely situations like these when you need divine guidance.

Apart from that, I think you should seriously reconsider getting married to the guy if you know for sure that the girl will create problems for you. You can brush your fears under the carpet, but in my personal experience, people rarely change.

Best of luck !!!

8

you being the only child.. how u gonna handle the family of 8 + MIL and FIL... u will be 'bari bahu'.. thats hell lot of work... u really need to seriously think about it...

9

i agree with sara.

it's okay for these guys to say 'if you think negative, it will happen' but they don't know the reality of relatives who take pleasure in ruining relations between people.

i don't know why your parents are doing this to be honest. doesn't matter how much of a 'diamond' the guy is, unless he can stand up for you at every turn and make his family understand that you are more important than their phupoo, it is going to be very difficult to you.

life is hard enough without constantly battling against negativity.

it can be turned around but it totally depends on your father, his father and your husband. if they can all always take your side and defend you without making it too obvious, your MIL and phupoo will give up.

10

Re: Earnest help needed!

Well i do know the reality
thats why i am telling her that she should not think negative :)
u girls are comming with doomsday senarios and thats very very wrong
you are telling her waht to do IF IF IF as if we all know what will happen.
Life is to complicated to predict sisters. So chill please and relax and give Gulnaar a break :)

time pass...WELCOME AUGUST ~*~ پاکستان زِنده با د‎ ~*~
11

Re: Earnest help needed!

...dude, it's her family, she knows them better than you or i. read what she said in regards to her phupoo. when you know what someone is capable of and how they feel towards you, it's a very scary thing. i doubt Gulnaar would be here writing about it if it wasn't a real problem. if we believe what she says, even her parents know that her phupoo is going to create problems. so it's not just immature insecurities.

she will be fine but she needs support from at least some of the family and most importantly her husband. this would be the case even if no one was intentionally creating problems.

12

Re: Earnest help needed!

Dudes i know that its a big concern to her
but what will it solve? Nothing has happend so far and that what has not occured u cannot do anything about it.
Its only creating a boeman and making plans to tackle the boeman. Of course she needs support but u should enter the wedding with open clean mind.

13

Re: Earnest help needed!

^ with that kind of thinking, we might as well climb into a sleeping bear's cage and just think positively.....

14

Well its getting late and i will sleep now
and tomorrow will anwser u :)

Rabb Rakha
and no i will not sleep into the sleeping bears cage ;)

15

Re: Earnest help needed!

Agree with Sara. We shouldn't be entering into situations blindly and with no forethought with the excuse of thinking 'negatively' will lead to a negative outcome. Lets not bother wearing seatbelts with the excuse, 'if I think negatively I will have a car accident'. Honestly, some ppl need to employ a degree of common sense, any likely problems should be thought about and discussed before u get urselves into situations like marriage, not just forget and 'hope for the best.'

16

You lost me after you wrote you are marrying your phupi's son. I see a bunch of words with *s in them. I take it you also have not yet married and hate everyone and their grandmother, which in this case will also be your own.

Here is an idea. You ready for this?

DONT MARRY YOUR FIRST COUSIN. Its been proven scientifically that there is a higher chance of birth defects when you marry your first cousin. PROVEN you hear!

17

Re: Earnest help needed!

^ Only a tiny bit if it only happens once but obviously if ur parents were first cousins and so were theirs and so on u might want to rethink the plan..

'the risk of congenital defects is about 2 per cent higher than average for babies born to first-cousin marriages – with the infant mortality about 4.4 per cent higher – which is on a par with the risk to babies born to women over 40.’

‘Peter Corry of St Luke’s Hospital in Bradford estimates that** among people of Pakistani descent in the city, 55 per cent of whom marry first cousins, the risk of recessive genetic disorders – the type due to related parents – is between 10 and 15 times higher than in the general population.** A 2004 study found that 13 out of 1,000 Asian children born in the Bradford area had inherited recessive disorders, which can lead to disabilities.’

Source: There’s nothing wrong with cousins getting married, scientists say - Science, News - The Independent

18

Re: Earnest help needed!

yeah miss Khan
think again
sooch lo
going by the replies
u should cancel ur marriage and fall in love with someone
outside ur family and marry him
hmmmmm :)

19

Re: Earnest help needed!

:smack2: yeh situation achi nahin hai…par let me ask everyone this question…what is the guarantee that if she decides to kick this guy to curb the next guy the she gets engaged to will not have similar or even bigger problems associated with him…?

20

Re: Earnest help needed!

Good post llxxll
Gulnaar said it herself this guy is a "diamond".
It all depends on the diamond how tough he is and how well
wife and husband will be together to fence off families with evil intentions.
Its always someone in life who is messing up with the relationship:
inlaws, friends, work, mood swings....etc. So most important is the understanding
between Gulnaar and her "diamond". And that rubbish about not marrying in the family
is blasé.

Just saying its bad and not giving soultion to the problem whilst there is a solution is only creating problems bro and sis :). Come up with solutions because you are then ruining someones life.

U can do many tests before getting married to find out how high the risk is of the deceases mentioned above. But still nothing is 100 % waterprove.