I was having a conversation with a desi guy friend of mine that came to the US when he was in high school. He was a prude in high school but at the university and now he’s had a lot of sexual experiences so he’s done every sex position known to man. But since he’s at the age where he has to get married he’s really strict about the fact that he only wants a virgin because he feels that girls will compare sex partners and that would cause problems and break up the marriage. Why the double standards or is our desi culture really that warped in its outlook on how desi women should be and how desi men should be?
Re: Double Standards
Unfortunately these pathetic double standards are very prevalent in our society. If the dude would be a virgin himself, he'd be justified in wanting a girl who is virgin too. But a guy like the one you are describing is being a big hypocrite if he thinks it's ok for him to sleep around, while being "strict" on her history.
Re: Double Standards
I'm just trying to think, since i didn't grow up thinking in such a way where there are different rules for desi men and different ones for women, i'm going to have a really tiny pool of desi men to choose from that I would be compatible with where he has close to a similar or balanced way of thinking. There are so many desi men that think like this or atleast the ones i've come across tend to have this view.
Are there women that were raised not in the west that share his way of thinking that guys like this would be compatible with?
Re: Double Standards
I'm just trying to think, since i didn't grow up thinking in such a way where there are different rules for desi men and different ones for women, i'm going to have a really tiny pool of desi men to choose from that I would be compatible with where he has close to a similar or balanced way of thinking. There are so many desi men that think like this or atleast the ones i've come across tend to have this view.
Good stick to your beliefs. "The fornicator/adulterer shall not marry any but a fornicatress or idolatress".
About double standards well i believe it's the matter of priority, virginity is not the most important thing for girls when it comes to marriage, their prime focus is on material aspects most of the time and they are willing to let go of the past if the guy fits their requirement list. Women have made this thing acceptable by accepting these type of man, where as a man thinks differently virginity matters to most of them whether they are themselves virgin or not.
It's a matter of pride too and yeah like your friend said the comparison thing really makes them insecure.
Re: Double Standards
One is to blame society. The other is to blame the parents. Parents have the strongest role in raising a kid. Yes I am being captain obvious here but its paramount if people want men who respect empowered women and let them decide their own lives, the parents have to do the proper job. That is the only thing that needs to be done.
A lot of times the issues with a man having double standards when it comes to women is the fact that he has not been taught to respect women. That starts at home. With the father respecting the mother and the parents treating the son and daughter equally. The sad fact is that many parents don't do that in Pakistani society and only we can change that.
Re: Double Standards
As Umer already wrote, double standards like this have always been a part of our culture. From birth MOST families give more freedom to boys than girls. So it's not a surprise that many desi men as adults think that "rules" should be different for them simply b/c of their gender.
But here's the thing that I always wonder about. Men like your friend....how is he going to make sure that she's a virgin? Realistically, how many people directly ask a potential rishta flat out "Are you a virgin?" And what makes him so sure that she won't lie about it?
It all comes down to priorities. I don't agree with double standards like this but as stated already, for MANY women out there, virginity is not a priority when choosing a husband. If your friend has a good family background/education/career/personality/looks etc........I'm sure he'll find plenty of desi female virgins who will happily marry him despite his sexual background.
Re: Double Standards
also when he goes looking for rishtas is he gona be honest about his past? listen i've done this many girls but i'd prefer it if i'm the first man u're ever laying eyes on.
most guys are like that...its human nature..."its ok if i do it (i'm still clean and good) but if you do it, you're a sinner/sl**/dirty..'
Re: Double Standards
nope he isn't going to be honest about his vast sexual history because he says there's no way for a girl to tell whether he is or isn't. It just makes me angry that the girl will be fooled and that he is able to get away with lying and covering up makes me apprehensive about my own search for a potential guy to spend life with. in front their parents they are innocent, saintly desi men and reality is something completely different.
Re: Double Standards
.how is he going to make sure that she's a virgin? Realistically, how many people directly ask a potential rishta flat out "Are you a virgin?" And what makes him so sure that she won't lie about it?
There's a way.
he says there's no way for a girl to tell whether he is or isn't.
Nope. There's a way.
Re: Double Standards
If you got to know his/her friends you'd prob realise..
Hahaha his reason is that if his wife had sex before, she would know how terrible he is at it? ...Or that his thingie is a compact version???
Hahaha, so much for self confidence.
Re: Double Standards
Please elaborate. I know many believe the lack of a fully intact hymen is indicative of a female’s virginity but factually, that’s not true. I’m not aware of any other “methods”.
So what is a 100% fool proof way of proving whether or not a female OR a male is a virgin?
Re: Double Standards
Nothing’s 100% fool proof. 
For a woman–yes, although the absence of one certainly doesn’t mean someone’s not a virgin.
For a man–I don’t wnat to be explicit and again, there’s no physical way to tell…but you can kind of tell based on performance how experienced he is.
(iknowiknowhawwwhaiiiibesharam 
)
Re: Double Standards
He wants a virgin cause he is worried his wife will compare sex partners? Oh pahleeez, he just wants a virgin cause he wants a virgin not due to the reason he gives.
Re: Double Standards
it's the comparison of sex partners and this guy is really vulgar in the way he talks about women and our body parts but he keeps saying tight virgin " "is something he's never experienced so that's another reason.
The way he talks just makes me angrier and angrier and more scared to be around him or any desi guy that's grown up during our generation and now I use the word guy "friend" very loosely since i'm really getting repulsed by him.
We all have sexual urges, we're human but we have self control but it's also angering that he exercised none of that self control and went around on a flesh binge for all this time and had so many sex partners and now he has the audacity to demand a virgin girl for marriage because that's just how harsh reality is he says. How can I not get angry with how some desi men or is it most all desi men think.
Re: Double Standards
Agreed. :k: And that’s my point. We can make assumptions based on behavior and decide whether or not we choose to believe someone who claims to be a virgin…but at the end of the day, there’s nothing that prevents someone from lying about it.
LOL…your friend can think and want whatever his heart desires…but as stated already, there is no way for him to be 100% sure that his future wife is a virgin. And personally, I believe in karma.
This is off topic but if this guy makes you so angry and actually scared to be around him…then why do you keep in touch with him at all? Why do you keep in touch with someone so vulgar and with such little (actually its more like 0) respect for women?
Re: Double Standards
his sexual history and his thoughts on marriage came out today out of his mouth. Since marriage is on his mind he became really vocal and open about his thoughts. I've only known him for a few weeks so i guess the word is acquaintance and not really friend, i'm just in the phase of getting to know other desis here and he is one of the ones in my age group and generation and plus right now i'm in the process of finding a life partner so everything i think about is "how is it going to be after marriage with a desi guy" thoughts. Trying my hardest not to judge him but all I can think about is how much i hate him and any desi guy that thinks like him forgive me.
Re: Double Standards
Hahaha his reason is that if his wife had sex before, she would know how terrible he is at it? ...Or that his thingie is a compact version???
Hahaha, so much for self confidence.
he keeps saying tight virgin " "is something he's never experienced
bawhawhawhaw what a plonker..so it appears its issue #2 from my previous post.
tell him he aint finding anything tight with that pencil....
Re: Double Standards
why are you even wasting your time talking to this punk?
Re: Double Standards
Doesn't seem like he regrets his past and his present attitude is turning you off as well. Stop talking to him.
Not every guy will be like him though. Some might not have such a past. Some might, but have regretted/repented/reformed themselves. The latter might prove to be a good husband and the former may not. No guarantees. Take your time and consider all factors...a guy's zehniyat/attitude toward women and in general/his actions/temperament/whether you share similar values, etc.