I’m realising nowadays how much I tried to become something I’m not, because I felt sad when people were mistreating me for not being like them.
While we all have to change in life and it’s a sign of having learnt something and developped oneself, there should be a limit. We should only try to change those parts of ourselves which are negative or restrict us in our lives, such as being too shy for example.
However, to please other people I’ve been doing many things which are just not me, not my character and some of which don’t make me feel very comfortable, all that just to please other people.
One was my clothing, I’ve often dressed as other people wanted, either my family or later my so-called friends. Nowadays I wear what I myself prefer instead of letting other people decide for me. I was humiliated for months in a pharmacy in 2005 for example, every morning they insisted I should remove my duputta, only in the evening after work when heading home I was allowed to put my duputta back on. They made me feel like some criminal or someone with a horrid disease the way they made me take off my duputta each day at work experience there… Too humiliating. Yet I let them do it to me for months before I realised how ridicilous it was! Then I stopped working there. Over the years I have been fired for wearing either duputta or hijab. It’s not fair and I’m not going to remove them to please other people, if I want to wear those or not wear those, should be my own choice.
I want all of you who are in similar situations to understand that nobody should humiliate any of you by making you dress as they want, no matter if it’s people forcing you to cover or people forcing you to uncover. It’s your own body after all. Besides, behaviour is important too, not only how you dress.
Another something was that everyone wanted to talk about sex and I was not used to it. I had friends telephoning me or visiting me to talk about sex, even colleagues, they wanted to talk about their sex experiences and then asked about mine. I didn’t know what to say and am certainly not interested in telling them how my children were conceived! Some of them became annoyed when I didn’t talk about sex, I remember one friend even said it was unfair because she talked about her sex experience and I was not saying anything, well, I never asked her to tell me about her sex experiences… it was her own choice and she began the topic, people can’t expect me to tell something very private just because they told their very private thing to me even though I didn’t ask them too…
Eventually it was used against me by several people, the fact that I didn’t like to talk about sex, no matter with whom and no matter if it was on the phone or at home or where ever. I was sad how they used that against me so I tried to change myself for their fashion of talking sex all the time… (especially the Dutch friends and the westernised Turkish and Maroccon friends, a few Pakistani westernised friends and Surinami friends who were born in Holland and have become more like Dutch people have been doing this to me… it’s weird, I don’t get it…) I have tried to think more about sex just like my friends wanted me to, yet I failed because my mind always wandered off to things I find more interesting and pleasing, I have tried to talk more about sex just like my friends wanted me to, but that remains something weird and uncomfortable for me. Then one day I realised I shouldn’t change every aspect of my character, if I don’t want to talk about sex people shouldn’t use that against me and I shouldn’t have to get used to talking about it. I’m not harming any person at all when I don’t want to talk about sex, so people should leave me alone! Now I stopped trying to change myself into someone who does talk about sex and who does think about sex a lot, well,I don’t, that’s not me and I’ve decided if so-called friends and other people want to hate me over it and keep using that against me, it’s their problem and their loss, not mine! I want to remain myself. In my family and even in Kotli where my parents are originally from, we just don’t talk about sex. I was born and raised in Holland, I like the positive aspects from Holland, I have many Dutch habits but still I’m not that westernised to be talking and thinking about sex all the time. That’s still the Pakistani part in me. I have positive aspects of both Pakistani and Dutch cultures in me, why should I throw away one of these two cultures, they have both been important for my character.
If your family is the same and you are not used to talking about sex, there is nothing wrong with it. Don’t change yourself because your friends (western friends or westernised friends) think it’s weird and make fun of you. Yes, it’s fashion nowadays in western countries to talk about sex all the time and people say they think about it all the time and when you say you don’t they make fun of you, but you’re not a criminal if you don’t talk and think about sex, you’re just a normal person being yourself (and quite decent if you ask me). Don’t change that aspect about yourself. Trust me, it’s not worth it. People who don’t accept you for who you are even if they don’t like it, are not worthy of your friendship and respect.
We have to proud of our Pakistani culture too. Yes, there are problems and negative aspects in our culture, but we also have many nice and decent things going on and nobody should throw all that away just to fit in with westerners and westernised foreigners. There should be a balance between your Pakistani side and your western side. I’ve been struggling with that and I know more people (males and females) who have had these issues.
u can get in trouble u know 