his parents are constantly interfering with our lives. His mother specifically and his sister. He is a grown man and he has no independence , not even a slight bit. Please tell me what rights does his mother or sister have over me? She told me she has more right over me now and my parents have none. And I need to take her permission to something or go somewhere. I know I need to take my husbands permission and I do that. But I dont think she has a right to tell me how I should run my household. Please clarify this issue for me?
Answer :
Praise be to Allaah.
With regard to the rights of your husband’s mother and sisters, they have the right to be treated kindly, you should keep in touch with them and treat them kindly as much as possible.
But with regard to your mother-in-law’s claims that you have to seek her approval in all matters, this is not correct, and none of the scholars has said that this is one of the rights that a husband has over his wife. Rather your duties are those which have been mentioned (by the scholars), namely obeying your husband and seeking his approval, so long as he does not tell you to commit a sin. That does not mean that you should not benefit from your mother-in-law’s experience or her advice if it is useful. And if you are patient in putting up with some of her difficult behaviour in order to honour your husband, that is a good deed for which you will be rewarded in sha Allaah. But as for her saying that your family have no rights over you, this is not correct, rather they still have the rights of upholding ties with them, honouring them, treating them kindly and visiting them from time to time, especially your parents. Their rights come after your husband’s rights over you.
We ask Allaah to open your hearts to one another and to grant you wisdom.
::::::sigh::::: I wish ppl wud understand this… it’s not bad to live with in-laws or take care of em, but to say that its necessary to do so isn’t right…
Now that many pakistani muslims are educated about this - what are the reasons for hanging on to the insistence that a wife live with her in-laws. I mean, we can't very well say it's Islamic if we know it's not - so basically now what's the excuse men give.
Note - I think that we are absolutely responsible for taking in our aged parents who are not in good health and taking care of them. But there is a big difference between living in a joint family situation, and your parents moving in when they are elderly and actually NEED care, not when they are 45 and have decided that they are ancient.
in many cases couples may complain about having to live with their parents, but the choice is always theirs, they can be in their own place close-by. They may have family pressure but succumbing to it shows their lack of backbone. Now maybe its financial i.e. they cant afford to live on their own, in which case they are takign advantage of accomodations and all at the parents place, or in some cases they need to support the whole household and moving out would mean they could contribute less to the household as their own expenses would increase.
so there are many scenarios, now if it is a matter of obligations, or financials whether it is in self interest or due to commitments to the family, people can handle it.
^Thanks - we still hear the "it's haraam to live alone" quite a bit, but honestly, I can't imagine living with 14 kids and 6 adults under the same roof :)
The wife could have demanded that before marriage. And if she has that right, y can’t a man demand his wife to provide him separate residence?
If a woman is not working in a relationship, then she should shut her pie hole, and let her man do whetver he can. If she wants more, she better get het lazy ass move, and start working. Buy a house or palace, and mover her husband.
I am sick and tired of lazy assez women demanding this and that.
The husband does not earn enough to provide separate residence for both parents and his family.
It is not islamic or unislamic, it is just social need. Parents can’t be thrown to old homes and then trahsed. Again, if a woman has problems with this setup, she should refuse to get marriaed in the first place. Why marry first, and then biatch all the time???
The sad thing about all this is that all these girls raising voice here will do exactly the same thing they despise now once they will become mother-in-laws.
It is appalling to see, females doing exactly the same things they despise at other times, WITHOUT even realising their own behaviours.
However , depending on the situation it is best to resolve the situation with her in laws without making her hubby choose sides. I have a dislike for situations which require one to choose between two people they love esp where marriage is concerned. Anyway we do not know who is at fault and who is not, so only the people involved in the situation can come up with a resolution for the conflict.
Tomorrow, u may demand diamond necklace as ur islamic right. If a woman has to move in with man after marriage, she should think about all such cases beforehand. No one is holding a pistol on her head to marry the man. If she does not like the arrangement, just refuse it.
The point is very simple: Two parents who have invested a lot on a boy, have much much bigger rights than a strange woman who is coming to the family. These parents can not be trashed away. A woman must understand it, and if not, then provoide for house and accomodations herself.
Islam preaches one to respect their elders... and I don't see anything wrong in living with your parents and help their at their age of need... They were there for you when you needed them... how about being their at time of their need and earn some dua and janat while they are here.....
My questions to all the girls who don't think its right to live with parents... Well right now you are young and you want your independence and stuff but how would you feel when you get older, your kids whom you worked so hard raising..what if they move out and pay you a visit once in a blue moon... once a month or lets say a week... how would this independence feel...joyful won't it...do you have any good reasons to live???
Where on earth did you get the idea that a man's only responsibility is to feed his wife? The relationship between husband and wife is very special from an Islamic standpoint:
They are a garment for you and you are a garment to them. Qur'an [2 : 187]
But, in accordance with justice, the wife's rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise. Qur'an [2 : 228]
“ The best amongst you is the best to his wife, and I’m the best amongst you to my wife.” (Al-Hakem)
I don't think that anyone is talking about trashing parents. Parents also invest a lot in a daughter, and daughters have an equal responsibility to their parents. Would you happily live with your wife's parents? In Malaysia, this is the cultural tradition. If Islam said that a man had to provide a woman with a diamond necklace, then he would be obligated to do so. However, Islam says that a man must provide a woman with separate accomodations for his wife, so he is obligated to do so.
He is also expected to help his parents financially IF they are in need, to the best of his ability and show kindness to them. The same is expected of a woman. If she is working, and her parents are in need, then she is obligated to share some of her salary with them.
There is a clear difference between living with middle-aged parents and living with parents who are in real need of care. I never said that I would not be willing to live with my husband’s parents when they are in real need of care. But the joint family system as practiced on the subcontinent is NOT Islamic, and it’s time to stop pretending that it is. Two non-mahrems should not even be living under the same roof. I do not expect to live with my son after he is married, insh’Allah as long as I am in good health I will continue to run my own household, and will afford my daughter-in-law the privelage to do the same. I have the utmost respect for my in-laws, and when they are in need of care, will welcome them into my home.
Just because you don’t live in the same house doesn’t mean that you only see someone once a month, or even once in a blue moon. What’s wrong with living across the street, or down the road?
By the way, would you be just as willing to live with your wife’s parents?
I wonder where it is said about separte accomodation !
But, just answer one question: If u don’t liek the idea of living with his parents, just say NO, ok? Why the hell u married a guy who lives with his parents???
And yes, I do agree, a girl should help her parents in all ways. And if it is possible, a man can live with girl’s parents.
But my logic is very simple. Solve all these logistics before marriage. Don’t bring this and that demand after marriage.