Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

Lifestyle Relationships
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So I realize the subject of documents is very sensitive and touchy.

Its awkward to ask for such things as proof of residency, education, employment, etc.

My question is…how does one go about asking for these things politely or in a manner the other party will not find as offensive?

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

Present yours first and then ask them.

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

I am really confused. Why do people do such a deep background check? Why not just trust the person?

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

It shouldn't be awkward reha. The elders I.e. mom and dad should ask politely for the documents as this would give them peace of mind. In all the rishtay I have seen this is standard practice.

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

Hire a spy

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

Why would they not? I am really confused as to why this aspect of peoples' lives does not deserve as much attention as let's say...buying a car or a home.

You put a car and home you're interested in through a thorough investigation to make sure its not been any accidents, house doesn't have termites, full inspections, appraisals, etc etc.

So why would you not want to know more about the man you will marry? This has nothing to do with trust. Things progress to this level BECAUSE each party is trusting each other.

And furthermore...why do people think a girl's parents don't have the right to ask for info?

People do lie about themselves and I've caught a few myself. And these are not just the petty lies...like the guy is actually 5'9 but says he's 5'11 (by the way, I'd love to find out why the 5'9ers are sooooo bent on being 5'11 - common trend). They're serious lies, i.e. police records, bankruptcies, etc.

It IS standard practice and it should be!

I always cringe when that part comes along...its soooo weird. You don't want to make the guy feel bad but dil ki tasalli is important. I just want to know how other people are doing it. Are they asking around themselves or just talk to the guy directly?

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

Haha in the same boat. We will be disclosing that we will like a full electronic background check. Possibly hire a background detective. And debating whether to find the ex wife and talk to her family.

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

Okay - I believe in background checks where one should not be lying about who they are today. Meaning, if he claims he works for X company doing Y...should be true. The basics like education, employment, salary (no inflated figures), family (one guy never even told me he had a handicapped sister...he wouldn't acknowledge her as a sibling), etc.

However, I don't believe in digging up dead stories. I've met and spoken to manyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy divorced people PCG. Its always a bad idea to bring up, talk about OR talk to the ex's. They're gone...and if you expect anything positive out of them you will be disappointed. I do not speak about my ex-husband and I do not ask about his ex wife...yes there's a brief exchange of history but only what's necessary. I don't see any value in the ex discussions...waste of time. If he's a cheater, unfaithful, gambler, drinker...you'll pick up on it sooner or later.

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

well that's an entirely different topic. yay. let's open another thread.

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

When i got married, my father did a huge background check on my hubby to be ...except hubby to be did not know it!

I will definitely do a background check and more if possible for my children , IA when the time comes.

We have a situation in our community where the groom did not mention to his wife how many $$$$ he was in debt, and the bride's family did not check, took everything at face value.

The new bride found out within days about her husbands debt, and how he and his family would like her to work, so she can help him pay off the debt, and all income made would go to him. She lives in the joint family system in. Her in laws pulled up some ayat from the Quran and told her "See , it is your obligation to help and stand by your husband, and help him reduce his debts." I forget the actual ayat, the Imam was mentioning it, so it has slipped my mind. The bride feels betrayed by her husband and his family.

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

^Wow how do you go about finding about his debts?? Who else but your immediate family would know something like that??

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

^Wow how do you go about finding out about his debts?? Who else but your immediate family would know something like that??

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

^ I can tell you similar stories of how women were played.

-Like once, a girl got married, had no idea that her husband never graduated med school, and actually did not have a residency job. This one is actually common folks - there are more med schools now and med seats in the US, and a lot of desis will send their kids to the caribbean and/or Pakistan for med school, and then have them apply for residency spots from outside thinking their US born kid will have a better chance. But now they boomed alll the med school seats here, there is now an extra 1000 graduates every year who are graduating from med school and do not have residency spots. So if you’re marrying someone, then order a confirmation from his residency program that he actually goes there. True stories!

-one of my friends married a guy she came to find out after marriage was BIPOLAR and on MEDS. Haha, then he got excited about the marriage and GOT OFF THE MEDS. And well, that didn’t end well, when he was throwing mood swings after marriage. So a medical history is not a bad idea!

-STD testing. Muchos importante, and I suggest desis seriously look into the HPV vaccines. Both men and women are recommended to get the vaccine. I have met some desi families who are totally against this from an Islamic perspective, and I just don’t get that. Nothing in Islam that says you shouldn’t get this kind of preventative treatment.

Cervical cancer alarm in Pakistan | Maverick Pakistanis

-then habits like drinking and women that have interestingly come up AFTER marriage.

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

  1. In my opinion you should be allowed to communicate with the girl/guys ex.- if you have valid information about someone's personality: anger problem, abuse, workplace lies, its better to know than to "find out for yourself"
  2. You can do a background check without people knowing
  3. Inquire about their work place, contact community members, anybody that may know the person's family
  4. I also believe if you spend enough time with the guy/girl you get a feel for their personality. You can usually tell if you're uncomfortable with something; if that feeling persists, its usually better to find someone else.

Going into a marriage, your biggest worry should be how the marriage will be, when to have kids, how the in laws will communicate, NOT will he/she run away with my money, abuse me, lie to me, make my life a living hell, why the hell am I doing this type of worry.

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

FYI, for background checks, you CAN find out that someone has done a background check on you. I'm not 100% sure from this from my side, but I talked to some people, and they said that in the business world, when someone runs a check on you - you get a letter in the mail that says, a check is being run on you and if you'd like, we'll send you a copy of what we run on you.

I'm not sure about the legal aspects of this, and whether only certain background check companies do this. But my dad at his work place, when they do their business, it's frequent to do background checks on clients and vice versa on him, and he will routinely get a letter about some client running a check on him before they do business.

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Re: Documents during a rishta process - how to approach it politely?

I meant your own background check, not something through the government.