like say you’re in a relationship where your partner/bf/fiance/husband/whoever is/was the type to be abusive. i’m just wondering if there have been cases of such people drastically changing after a couple years.
or if they have a bad habit that’s causing stress in the relationship, how hard is it for a person to realize they have a problem and make efforts to address it or get help to finally make a change. or do they always feel it’s the other person that’s the problem
ps: in the title the word is Change or hange, just in case you’re confooosed, darn typos
huh? i don't get the joke :p :D arrey it's Change not hange, i hope one of the mods changes it to 'change'
well i'm just wondering off the top of my head if that's something you've seen in your family or somebody you know that might have changed who is like that.
I know i have changed, i used to be really disorganized before, now i've worked on my flaws so much
like benazir bhutto's husband was abusive but she stayed with him as powerful as she was. did she love him that much or was her self esteem that low?
In my own relationship, both my SO and I have changed over time. We have changed to accommodate each others needs more and we have changed because of life's circumstances.
It comes down to the willingness of the people involved.
I know someone who really wanted his wife to wear hijab. She didn't want to and still doesn't want to. He has learned to accept that and even though still prefers it, doesn't pester her.
It is never ONE thing in the relationship that makes things difficult or easy. It is a myriad of things. Relationships are very dynamic, they feel the stress of outside factors, react to them, grow apart, grow closer and everything else - without necessarily being bad enough to deserve an end. But sometimes, they DO deserve to be ended.
^well ok but take the case of benazir bhutto, she was with an abusive man, he was violent with her but was it only because she thought she couldn't ever find a better man and that it was because of something she did that he kept being abusive with her that she stayed with him until her death or was it that he did change and he stopped his violent behavior.
Never marry a person expecting them to change...as in NEVER. They do not change unless they want to. And if you're marrying them hoping one day they will find it in their heart to mend their ways...well...you cannot complain when it doesnt happen. Marriage is a gamble enough...why add more uncontrollable variables?
I know only ONE couple in which the physical, mental, emotional and verbal abuse stopped. Just one couple out of the many that go through this. It stopped after years of the girl trying and being persistent with her husband. She loved him and believed he could be better so she stayed. He realized his mistakes, stopped and now loves her to death. They are very happy, Mashallah.
Even though their example is one in which you have to admire her courage and love for him...is this the rule? No. Its an exception. Most girls though do feel their situation is an exception. They can do it. They can change him. They never do UNLESS he wants to. Which means...a woman cannot do it. A man will change himself if he wants to.
I agree with reha since I have seen one such example myself. What I learned from that example is some partners are just violent and cruel so no matter what the other does they will not change. Others (very few) who are not told off about their behaviour may start feeling its ok. In that case if the other partner puts their foot down and says this is not going to work. It will make the violent partner realize they have been in the wrong and lead to positive change. Either way when violence is added to a relationship the person needs to be told that this is not acceptable.
^well ok but take the case of benazir bhutto, she was with an abusive man, he was violent with her but was it only because she thought she couldn't ever find a better man and that it was because of something she did that he kept being abusive with her that she stayed with him until her death or was it that he did change and he stopped his violent behavior.
I don't know much about Benazir Bhutto's life, so I can't comment.
But any sort of abuse indicates the presence of some personality disorder/other mental disorder. Only trained and experienced therapists (sometimes not even them) can help those people deal with their problems.
Like Reha and canadiandesigirl said, one should NEVER go into a marriage hoping to change the person. That is a recipe for disaster.
Most abusers don't change and it isn't the fault of the victim. Well, it is her fault if she doesn't get the hell out of there (but that itself is loaded with problems). An abuser's behavior is NEVER the victim's fault.
Changes for us weren't very dramatic (as much as I would have disagreed when they were happening) and I am sure what I described is a part of all healthy relationships. But relationships where there is abuse can NOT be fixed without sacrificing ones own self, ENTIRELY. And that isn't romantic. It just makes you pathological in addition to that person.
Thank you Reha, Curious Lady and canadiandesigirl, you’re advice is invaluable and very true. I think it’s many times that hope that things might get better that messes us up with this issue.
you’re advice is invaluable and very true. I think it’s many times that hope that things might get better that messes us up with this issue.