The first time I post in this section.
I don’t know from where to start. I’ve been married for 11 years to my cousin whom I liked. And my little sister want to get married also but not in the family. Yes the same old story back again.
My mother is widowed for the past 15 years. We are a pretty small family and my mother always wanted my sister to get hooked in the family not for the caste system but for reasons as he would know the problems we have been through and thus could understand us easily.
Now for some reasons we have problems with a well settled pakistani family, I won’t give much details and ever since my sister is being called a W----- and these people made the life of my sister miserable. She’s someone who has never been going out with her friends, no parties and has few selected friends. To my knowlege she never had a bf.
Now with all this izzat pe kiicharr done by these people we fear that she could never get a rishta outside the family. And tbh if I were to chose a rishta for her in the family, there’s nobody except the ~35 club. Now I do understand my mother a bit, people from here would think she’s the one who is at fault while a family member would know her far better. And now it seems like she has to get married to make people shut their mouth. As if she was obliged to get hooked to someone just because people are making false statements about her (like she’s been sleeping around with men, which is false).
We are stuck, she doesn’t want to get married in the family but the chances she might get a not so brainwashed boy outside the family is pretty low.
The post is messy, sorry for that.
I really really feel for your sister. I had the same thing happen to me but to a lesser extent than your sister, which hurt me a lot since I don't think I even came close to talking to a man with any bad intentions and it was said by someone who knew me since my early teenage years. It's a tough tough thing to deal with. But you know what, people will talk garbage out of jealousy, fun, gossip etc. Don't force her into marriage, she will find a good man b/c at the end of the day, she will get whoever Allah swt has chosen for her regardless of what people say or do.
2) Is your sister herself anxious to get married soon? What is her response to the fear that you and your mom are having?
3) Have you guys actually tried searching for a rishta for her outside the family? If so then for how long?
She is 22, she isn't ready to get married in the next 3-4 years but she thinks that she wouldn't get a rishta outside the family because of all this badnaami, and if she ever gets it the man at a certain point of life would/might bring all this up. And she hasn't the guts to search at her own. Plus she hates cousins wedding.
STA, we had a problem and for some reasons it couldn't get solved, they went to the community and started talking abt how they offered my sister a one night stand to solve all the problems we had. Which never happenned, my husband got angry and there was a hungama. Ever since they're saying that she's been around with men and things. Badass revenge ?
We can't stop people from doing this and neither there's a way to prevent this which sucks, it feels like it's a crime to be girls and not having a brother and a father. Even though it's been 2 years that it's been done, they still do it from time to time. We stopped going to gatherings/mosque and cut off all contact with the community.
Why have you cut yourself off from the community? Wont that make matter worse? People will then assume your guilt and you will have no way to defend your sister from accusations, nor perhaps get the support you may need, and thirdly it will greatly reduce your chances of getting any proposal from outside. Don't assume everyone believes the accusations, they might already know their maliciousness and sympathise.
By hiding away you have giving those people a free platform, as well as the feeling they have 'won' this battle. You have done no wrong, walk around tall and confident... dont behave like the guilt party.
The family will get its comeuppance sooner or later. Slander is no minor sin, it is worse than backbiting because its obviously false. Look on the bright side though, all their naikia are being given to you, and all your sins are being gifted to them. What better gift/ revenge would you want then that. So chin up, and be patient, something good will def come along.
She is 22, she isn't ready to get married in the next 3-4 years but she thinks that she wouldn't get a rishta outside the family because of all this badnaami, and if she ever gets it the man at a certain point of life would/might bring all this up. And she hasn't the guts to search at her own. Plus she hates cousins wedding.
I think you guys are jumping the gun big time based on "what if's". If she's not going to ready for marriage in the next 3-4 YEARS.....then why are you guys so stressed about this now? A lot of things can change/happen during that time. Since you guys have never actually seriously looked for a rishta.....you really don't know for a fact whether or not she would get a "good" one.
You said it's been years when all these rumors started and they still do it from "time to time". So you yourself are saying that as time went by.....the intenstiy of the rumors decreased. So imagine how less of an "issue" this will be 2 years from now (when you sister actually will be ready for marriage).
I think for now....you guys should focus on building positive relationships in the community. It's hard for me to believe that EVERY SINGLE family in your city is against you or believes the rumors against your sister. Start being involved in the community and don't hide. Ignore the talks and stay focused on building relationships with people who're not talking bad about her. By cutting off contact, you guys are only making the situation worse.