This is something that has been going on in mind for sometime now and it’s bothered me a lot so I thought I should take the advice of GSers.
I am a single mother in my 30s living in Pakistan. Ever since the divorce was finalised most of my friends have subtly and not so subtly(sometimes) suggested that I move on with my life, actively look to get remarried etc. I am not sure if I should do that. There are several reasons for this:
After my first marriage I have zero , ZERO tolerance for putting up with any BS from inlaws or any other desi susraali drama. Now as we all know that there is no desi marriage without some sort of saas bahu drama and in almost all cases the DIL needs to compromise for the sake of her marriage.Most girls do it because they love their husbands. I am not sure if there are any guys out there that make putting up with all the inlaw problems worth it, or are there?? Is a zero in law drama desi marriage possible?
After the initial tumultuous period I got back on my feet quickly, I finished my degree, found a good job, bought a car, made new friends, generally started living my life again. There was a rather steep learning curve when it came to chores traditionally taken care of by men in Pakistan like taking the car to the mechanic etc but I learnt those. So, currently, I am doing quite well emotionally, socially and financially. I am independent, too independent?? I ask myself sometimes. I am no longer used to asking permission or consulting anyone before going out, spending money, making financial and parenting decisions, planning holidays etc. I am so comfortable being on my own that It’s going to be a big adjustment to have another person in my and my kid’s life. Again I ask myself is it worth it?
I am tall and fair and considered good looking going by the stereotypical desi standards(arrrghhh). When I started at this new workplace several people said they were surprised to learn that I had a school age kid as they thought I was late 20s and never married. I make more money than most of the men in my age group. I have never dated nor ever had any friends who were guys, apart from being on friendly terms with a couple of male co workers so I don’t have much experience with men, possible red flags etc.I don’t have any family members who will help me in screening the potential guys. I feel all these factors coming together make a it a high chance of attracting the wrong kind of men?? or am i being too skeptical??
My friends who have been advocating remarriage tell me I can’t spend the rest of my life alone. Their arguments are cliches mostly, You can’t spend the rest of your life alone, ‘kids grow up and move out get married etc, Uss waqt pata chalta he jub saath koi nahein hota’ . I have told some of them that if It’s destined to happen it will happen but the answer comes back, no one is going to come stop outside your house to ask for your hand, unless you don’t make the effort it’s not going to happen etc. and get out now, do something now, you aren’t getting any younger etc.
So, tell me what should I do? I want to put this to rest once for all. I am doing okay on my own, I don’t feel a need to get married apart from the occasional times when I do feel very lonely and wish there was someone but at the same time I don’t want to rock the boat. Does no.4 make any sense?
Disclaimer no.1 This thread was made to ask for sincere advice and the things I wrote here are just to give you a clear picture, not meant for self praise(No.3 esp) so please don’t don’t take don’t take it like that
Disclaimer no 2 I am going to request Bobby1 to not reply.I need genuine advice, not an essay on the things that are wrong with the desi culture.
From your post it appears that you are only considering remarriage because other people think you should be.
Marriage is a huge, huge commitment (as you would know) and you need to be 100% committed to it. From your post it seems that you are happy with your life as it is. It could be that in a few years you may feel the need to remarry, but if it isn’t pressing at the moment I would not encourage you to push yourself.
Women who are financially independent and enjoy having the freedom to do what they want without having to coordinate/answer to anyone get married for 2 main reasons: (1) They want to have children; (2) They want the companionship/intimacy of a spouse.
You already have a child so that’s not an issue for you. So the question becomes how much do you crave/want/need the companion of a spouse? You have to balance that want/need of yours with whether it’s worth it to make the compromises necessary to be in a marriage. None of us can tell this what’s the best decision for you regarding this. Even your friends and family cannot tell you this. You are the ONLY one who can balance those 2 things and decide which path you want to take.
One major thing you need to consider if you do choose to get married is how that will effect your daughter. It’s not only about you at this point - whatever your decision is will also have a major impact on her life. A wrong choice can not only hurt you, but it can also hurt her.
As for timing, you’re still young. There is no rule that says you should not or will not be able to find someone when you’re 40/45 or even 50. The fact that you already have a child means you don’t have a biological time constraint (You didn’t mention any desire to have more children so I assume you’re happy with 1). Don’t let your friends or anyone else tell you what’s right for you. Your parents did that with your first marriage and look how that turned out. Stay in control of your own life and only do something if YOU truly believe it’s the best decision for you and your daughter.
It appears that your need, if there, of getting married is not based on financial grounds but may be emotional. That is an important component of our lives. We simply can’t shun it because we are strong today. In your case, you already tasted the bitter medicine, unfortunately. Now, it should be quite clear in your mind if you REALLY want to try again? I agree with general public’s perspective to some extent that we need a companion. With advancing age, the hormonal element fades out but emotional factor is on the rise. So, think and re-think before someone approaches you OR you want to initiate. In case you decide to do this, then you really have to be careful in the selection.
In marriages, you need to tolerate a lot not only with regards to in laws but with regards to husband as well. let’s say you will find a set up where you can escape the in laws drama, you will still need to make adjustments/compromises for the husband. Someone having Zero tolerance level might not be a good candidate for marriage in my view. I would say that unless you reach a point where you think you can tolerate and can make adjustments, don’t think of starting any relationship.
2.Its nice that you have gotten back to life and the process must have been difficult for you so kudos to you. Now on your question are you being independent- yes, but should you not opt to consider anyone for marriage because you are independent- NO. There are men around who would prefer to have independent women but again you need to bring yourself to make few adjustments here and there. I have friends who were this independent and Alhumdulila have found husbands who share the same views but yes when you have kids and it comes to parenting decisions then you absolutely can’t make decisions independently.
As people say marriage is a gamble- no matter how much screening you do- you could still end up with a maroon and there are chances that you end up with a good nice person. Do your homework well, do isthikara and then leave up to God.
Whatever your friends are saying is correct as you do feel a need to have companion- someone you can connect to on emotional and mental level. The need might not be on a rise at this moment and you never know how you would feel tomorrow. Only you can decide if the need to be with someone is strong enough that you consider remarrying today. If it is not, then don’t just get married in the fear of how tomorrow would be like without a partner or because your friends think that you should be married now. Go for it when you strongly feel for it as i don’t believe in any relation where you enter
half- heartedly.
Xaos :hugz: I’m so happy you’re not in that place where you are made to feel like you are somehow less of a person because you don’t have a man in your life. Desis sometimes tend to make a divorced woman feel like she’s an outcast and sometimes if she has a child, her chances are slim to none of getting remarried, if she does reveal all of that to him. I’ve seen it happen.
You’re attractive and successful and you even have a child so life might seem complete now but I would leave my options open and who knows you might come across a companion that you get along great with, in the future, and could make life even better than you ever could imagine. Keep your guard up and protect yourself, don’t emotionally attach yourself to any guy until there is some type of commitment from his and his family’s side because some people have a habit of leading women on without really wanting something long term(I feel like divorced women are sometimes a target because of the stigma in our society). I see couples that seem to get along well, they don’t need each other and can live great lives just fine apart but there’s just something in them that wants to keep the bond strong. Marriage with not so nice in laws and potential negative qualities of a guy might keep you from getting married again but I wouldn’t completely rule it out as something to consider. There are wonderful people out there, you just have to cross paths.
My friend is a confirmed bachelorette and she’s never been married but she’s older than me and she’s already stuck in her ways, she likes things done a certain and so used to her independence. Even she says that if she comes across a guy that is the staunch conservative, the “woman’s place is in the kitchen” type of mentality desi guy, she’d kick his butt out and wouldn’t look back. She has no patience for that kind of rubbish that’s why she sees herself as a confirmed bachelorette and has no patience for in law drama. She’s an awesome friend and even if she makes a ton of money, I still hope she finds a life partner that would make her super happy and hopefully she keeps her options open and does consider that there are actual, genuinely happy marriages too…rare but they exist .
Thank you everyone for your advice and wishes @Paheli00@gudiaali@Cunctator@fitoor
Your posts helped clear a lot of things in my mind .I think I will go on the way as I was before unless something changes or someone really superb comes along who makes me want to give up my single status until then(or maybe forever) I will continue enjoying my carefree, no drama life
I am a single mother as well, independent and financially stable … but my situation is a little different from you. I am much older in my late forties and my experience of marriage was not bitter like you . I had a great married life. Was happily married for 18 years … unfortunately lost my husband few years back.
I noticed everyone is advising u to be cautious and not consider marriage if u are not completely ready. I don’t understand what do they mean by " ready "
We all have needs , emotional and physical. Somehow in our society , if woman is financially dependent , she can justify remarriage. Somehow we deny the emotional needs and physical needs of a woman.
I would be very interested to know what suggestions do all these people have for you… How to cope with your physical needs and emotional needs? Is it not important for a healthy mind and body ?
It would be so much easier , if one can keep a boyfriend or have friends with benifits. That would be an ideal situation for you. But not sure how religious you are. Whether your religious believes would allow that or not.
My issue is that I am old fashioned and would say religiously inclined so for me that option is out.
I agree, getting married for the second time around is even more difficult cause we all have a baggage with us. But then giving up the idea and living in fear of making a w
In my humble situation, I would advice you to be on a look out… U need to have a open mind and maybe start looking. It takes time also to get to know someone. If you are lucky u may find Mr Right. But if you won’t look , u will never find one and will stay single all your life.
I have noticed that in our culture , if it’s a single father, every one around him will encourage him to get remarried. No one will tell him to think of the kids first and sacrifice. But when it comes to a woman, people will make you feel guilty for even considering re- marriage.
I don’t think you read my comment carefully. I never advised her not to get married again, if she finds a companion that she gets along great with and that accepts her child as his own then wonderful. But it is hard for a divorced desi woman with a child to get remarried. Usually it’s only other divorced men and who knows how those divorced men treated their ex wife.
Plus, it’s hard enough for a single desi woman to find a decent match. We see so many threads where the girl likes the guy and it seems mutual but then mummy ji or daddyji don’t like the girl or aren’t happy about something so there goes the rishta. Being cautious to prevent heartbreak is never a bad thing.
Well done on your life so far!!! You go girl!!!
Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what you want.
Don’t let anyone else tell you what you “should” or “shouldn’t” have in your life. Live it for yourself
If you accomplish nothing with this attitude, at least you will have no regrets.
As you are living your life, you may come across someone that provides good company, good conversation and makes you want to wake up next to them each morning…cross that bridge when you get to it.
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