I met up with an acquaintance who married young and divorced within a few years of marrying. She’s under thirty with two children and has custody of the kids.
The girl is somewhat immature - she’s living it up like she’s single (leaves the kids with her folks when she goes out with friends in the evening) and the guy doesn’t seem committed to the kids either (the kids live in a different country and he doesn’t seem to object to being an occasional visitor).
Both the guy and girl are relatively young and they both hope to remarry elsewhere since they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives without a companion.
So my question(s) is - what about the kids? While I don’t expect the parents to be martyr their lives for the kids - should they be a little more self-sacrificing? Is it fair for the parents to work on securing their own happiness (looking for a partner) since there is a finite time for their eligibility?
It's kind of hard to say what she went through...and maybe she feels lonely. I understand the adjustment kids have to make in all of this...and it's going to be tough on them for sure.
I guess when people marry very young, this can happen. Plus, after a divorce...I know women do anything and everything in their power to feel 'normal' and part of society again. Maybe she is trying to act and feel young because this is how she can tell herself that a divorce isnt the end of the world.
Its sad...but sometimes children become casualties of war. Hopefully, mom and dad will realize nothing is more important then their children's happiness and things will change. Inshallah.
The girl is somewhat immature - she's living it up like she's single (leaves the kids with her folks when she goes out with friends in the evening) and the guy doesn't seem committed to the kids either (the kids live in a different country and he doesn't seem to object to being an occasional visitor).
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How is this being immature?
How often does she go out? What is she doing to put her kids in danger?
1- we dont know whether the kids will be better off with happy parents who are divorced or in a dysfunctional and negative environment
2- if the guy is in a different country, maybe it is not that easy to move to where his kids are, with the economic mess worldwide and job situation it may be very tough to move.
3- i dont see anything immature about the girl 'living it up" and leaving kids with parents, now if this is every night and she is out from 5 pm to 3 am etc etc, then its an issue but going out with friends without dragging the kids along a having some time for herself is good for her, and good for the kids.
mayb she feels like shes lost out on alot of stuff by getting married/having kids at an early age and is now making up for lost time?
I don't know who's to blame in these kinda situations, the people involved for putting this couple together who clearly weren't ready for marriage in the first place or the couple them selves who are acting irresponsible as parents now. quite sad.
I'm sympathetic to their desire to move on in their lives. No one wishes them a lonely future that is tied just to their kids and without a partner of their own.
But the question is how do you move on with your life while still balancing the needs of the children? It just seems (and I am a casual observer) that they're compartmentalizing their lives and they take moments where the kids are not their primary concern. Not having kids, I can't relate - but I always assumed that once you have a child, every other decision is impacted by the needs and realities of your children.
even if the parents are together, they sometimes need couple time, sometime just 'me' time so you have to compartmentalize, just because you are a spouse and a parent does not mean you stop being you.. these are important roles but dont define a person and are not end all be all of what a person is.
just because one is taking time for themselves does not mean kids are not a priority, but one has to be in good physical, mental, monetary state to be there for their kids. its the totality of who you are and how you deal with all your commitments. whether married or divorced.
I understand hiring a babysitter to look after your kids when you go out for the evening (whether you are a single parent or a couple). I understand taking a few days vacation without your kids (though this is not always a popular option for desi families).
I haven't gone into the details of this couple's actions which make me think they're self-absorbed. I'm merely using them as an example for illustrative purposes to gage the reactions of others to their desire and search for a new partner versus the interests of the children. This is a Pakistani couple - which colours the lens we look at them through.
I've a friend who's Roman Catholic/South American and divorced with three kids. She's homebound looking after the kids while her ex is footloose and fancy-free - hooking up where and how he wants (an occasional visitor with the kids, brings presents, jets off the Carribean). I see her putting her life on hold for the kids - so in my mind I couldn't help but compare my gori friend to the Pakistani couple.
I understand hiring a babysitter to look after your kids when you go out for the evening (whether you are a single parent or a couple). I understand taking a few days vacation without your kids (though this is not always a popular option for desi families).
I haven't gone into the details of this couple's actions which make me think they're self-absorbed. I'm merely using them as an example for illustrative purposes to gage the reactions of others to their desire and search for a new partner versus the interests of the children. This is a Pakistani couple - which colours the lens we look at them through.
I've a friend who's Roman Catholic/South American and divorced with three kids. She's homebound looking after the kids while her ex is footloose and fancy-free - hooking up where and how he wants (an occasional visitor with the kids, brings presents, jets off the Carribean). I see her putting her life on hold for the kids - so in my mind I couldn't help but compare my gori friend to the Pakistani couple.
I think my issue is that I dont see the desire to find a new partner and wellbeing of the children as being opposing choices. Its in the how you do it approach...and in the reality of the world in some times one aspect may be neglected a little bit and that is understandable.
the choices we make and in this case choices your south american vs pakistani lady are making could be based on many different situations, support structure available, how much time do they have i.e. to be in the usual marriage age bracket in the culture, how soon since the breakup, personalities of the people in question etc etc.
I'm sympathetic to their desire to move on in their lives. No one wishes them a lonely future that is tied just to their kids and without a partner of their own.
But the question is how do you move on with your life while still balancing the needs of the children? It just seems (and I am a casual observer) that they're compartmentalizing their lives and they take moments where the kids are not their primary concern. Not having kids, I can't relate - but I always assumed that once you have a child, every other decision is impacted by the needs and realities of your children.
Sehrysh,
Having a child is a blessing but you will never be able to fully appreciate that blessing unless you are healthy and happy yourself. Its 1000% okay to leave your kids with your parents when and if you want to go out with your girlfriends for a night out once a week. There is nothing wrong with that. They will not be scarred. Especially if its time spent with their grandparents.
If a woman is divorced or separated, it doesnt make her a self-less human being only there to slave away for her children. Her children need her and she is there for them but she is also a human and deserves companionship, love, freedom, etc. Why not? Who said being a divorced mother makes you less deserving of that? A piece of paper?
Our parents slaved away to raise us...but I wish sometimes that my mom had enjoyed her youth more. She worked hard in the US to raise 4 kids...I wish she had had more fun and made some wonderful memories. I wish she had done the things I do with my friends. I love her and it makes me sad sometimes knowing how much she had to sacrifice to keep us clothed and fed in a foreign country. She didnt enjoy her youth as much as I would have wanted her to.
Now to the issue of being divorced itself...the type of stigma divorced woman bear is not something anyone can really understand unless you go through it yourself. It is NOT easy to live with that everyday. The gossip, the looks, the stares, the taaney, rumors being spread, prejudices from other people, potential rishtas, etc. These girls dont need a reminder of what is going wrong in their lives. They know perfectly well that they are divorced mothers, trust me. What they need is for their friends to make them feel like they still belong, are normal and well respected members of our society.
1- we dont know whether the kids will be better off with happy parents who are divorced or in a dysfunctional and negative environment
2- if the guy is in a different country, maybe it is not that easy to move to where his kids are, with the economic mess worldwide and job situation it may be very tough to move.
3- i dont see anything immature about the girl 'living it up" and leaving kids with parents, now if this is every night and she is out from 5 pm to 3 am etc etc, then its an issue but going out with friends without dragging the kids along a having some time for herself is good for her, and good for the kids.
Well if desire of "living up" played a part in girl's decision of getting divorce, which is not unheard of in paki community, then I say parents were equally moron to marry such a girl.
Not every one ready to breed is ready to be married. :)
Well if desire of "living up" played a part in girl's decision of getting divorce, then I say parents were equally moron to marry such a girl.
Not every one ready to breed is ready to be married. :)
lets not get into assuming game here and just work with facts.
you are assuming that this 'living up' is negative...I dont know if you are imagining sud and foam filled dancefloors of ibiza but the living up could be as simple as going out to dinner or for coffee
you are also assuming that it was the girl's decision to 'get' a divorce...
based on that you have choice words for the girl's parents and have passed a judgement on her of 'such a girl'
assuming makes and ass out of you and the entire ming dynasty. I like the ming dynasty, please be more respectful.
a couple nights a week going out with friends is very normal, people need time to themselves and as Reha noted, some positivity. especially after major life events such as a divorce.
strange to see a smart guy like your self over looking ground reality of our community.
PS: I said "IF" and also "not unheard of" as in I have seen that happening.
PS: girls here(life1) show sings of that mentality almost every day.
I am not overlooking anything, I am choosing not to focus on assumptions that may or may not be true, btw that is exactly what smart ppl do :)
whatever mentality some girls show here on has no bearing on this situation unless we know the facts. if the facts are that she is a party animal and wanted to live a lifestyle at the expense of marital life and now at the expense of her kids being neglected then fine, we will address it, at this point however there is no statement that this is the case.
ground reality of which community, community is not a singular entity, and whatever the ground reality is does not apply to everyone.
because if we want to go into ground realities of our community, then one can also say she is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from being in a thankless marriage with a king of teh castle ogre and her behavior now is escapism from the ordeal that she has been through..but then, we dont really know anything to make that assertion either :)
you still need to apologize to the ming dynasty :)
I am not overlooking anything, I am choosing not to focus on assumptions that may or may not be true, btw that is exactly what smart ppl do :)
whatever mentality some girls show here on has no bearing on this situation unless we know the facts. if the facts are that she is a party animal and wanted to live a lifestyle at the expense of marital life and now at the expense of her kids being neglected then fine, we will address it, at this point however there is no statement that this is the case.
ground reality of which community, community is not a singular entity, and whatever the ground reality is does not apply to everyone.
because if we want to go into ground realities of our community, then one can also say she is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from being in a thankless marriage with a king of teh castle ogre and her behavior now is escapism from the ordeal that she has been through..but then, we dont really know anything to make that assertion either :)
you still need to apologize to the ming dynasty :)
peer sahib mera baes ka mood naheen hy
But I say I made one assumption, that too I presented like an assumption with "if"
In your angry reply you made half a dozen assumptions.
I don't want to point them out. U will see when you less angry.