Everytime I come across people talking about children of a divorced couple, they completely put the blame on parents for the bad habbits of the children, like going out with girls, clubs, drinking, not serious about their studies / career…etc.
A few times I tried to clear it to them that I understand that parents made a mistake but that is no excuse for the children to ruin their own life, but they give me an impression that parents have the major impact and we should not at all blame the children EVEN when LATER in life they make THEIR OWN BAD CHOICES AFTER THEY GET MATURE ?!?!?
One of my neighbour auntie, who was a very nice human being, came to know that her husband was involved with another women during his frequent visits to Dubai, and even though my mother kept encouraging her to offer namaz and remain firm, her condition started to get worst, she stoped eating, stoped sleeping....and one day my mom told me that she died in the hospital. Before dying she strictly advised her only son (who had picked up a gun to attack his father ) to remain obedient to his father and not saying anything to him.
The son obeyed his mother's orders after her death by not saying anything to his father, but was found on the road, totally drunk. After that he stoped stuying.....and his life became miserable.
I feel very bad about him and am a bit confused about how much should he be held responsible for destroying his own life, because at the end we all would be held responsible for our deeds. I think if I Allah forbid I had seen such situation it would have been very difficult to pass this test of life.
May Allah bless all us with strength and guidence and protect us from such tests of life
In Islam, parents should try to seek as much knowledge as possible. Because accorsing to Ahadith, the more knowledge you have and the more you act upon it, the more you'll know about halal/haram and the more easier it'll become for you to avoid haram.
The parents should not only seek this knowledge but also act upon it so that the children can also observe and follow when they are young. Parents can have a tremendous impact on the type of person a child grows up to be. While children also pick habits (good as well as bad) from outside, parents should try to educate their children as much as possible so that the children can grow up with Taqwa in their hearts and try to avoid that which is disliked in Islam.
Having said that, it is parent's responsibilities to educate the children when they are young. But once the children become mature, know the difference between right and wrong and start making decisions, then the blame will also be on the children. Consider the example of parents who did not do a good job with the upbringing of their child and did not teach him/her good manners. They might've made him/her into the person he/she is, but this does not mean that all the blame is on the Parents. If the child is mature enough, he/she will be held responsible for his/her actions (even though the Parents are responsible for the upbrining).
The child whose story I mentioned was probably about 17-18 years old. He loved his mom so much that when he used to come home he used to shout "AMI!!" and hug his mother and talk with her for hours. (My mom told me)
I feel very sorry for the way his life is going. I wish I were in Pak and could try to share feelings with him and encourage him to start life from a new beginning. But it is easier said then done when we hadn't meet each other due to studies in a different place, and now I am living abroad
Agree with both of you, at a certain age and maturity, we are all responisble for our own actions, BUT the people we become is greatly dependent on the kind of ppl bringin us up.
Here in australia, the family system is weak, and seems to be getting weaker by the day... i was watching one of those "Current Affair" type of programs and this phsycologist who has this huge ongoing study of the effect of divorce on children.... she has been studying a large group of ppl for 35 years, khair, in her studies she found that children who come from "single-parent" homes are much more likely to fall behind in studies, have problems in a social context, are more likely to turn to crime (even if it is petty), and are less likely to sustain a healthy relationship with thier partners (yahan pai shaadi tuk kum loog phonch te hai), and are more likely to experience substance and alcohol related problems.... sad na! So despite these adults are really responsible for their actions, it was their past that has made them the ppl they are...
that is why islam gives so much importance to family...
a friend of my sisters who at the time was close to reverting to islam (she's a gori) was just surprised to see that my Dad was always home (in the evenings)... her Dad was usually too busy going out with his girlfriend, and her mum was busy with her boyfriend (who was the same age as this girl)
I feel so sad for the boy in the story... every time i get home, the first person i HAVE to talk to is my Ammi.... may Allah help him through this struggle.
there is a difference between how people take the shock of their parents' divorce and how much their parents are to blame for all the hurt that children suffer.
to reckon with the mistakes of their parents, children and their emotional damage is incompensatable.
yet, if the family ties ever were to unknot their complexities, one day, one day, the parents and the children may be able to come together face to face and cleanse their systems of the painfulness of separation and lost time which cannot come back like in any love based blood based relation's corruption.
may Allah swt give strength and patience to children of divorced parents to not fall prey to world's self destructive behaviors in the absence of the guide of their care givers.
and may the parents know that if they were to bring their children into the world, they better be able to stay present for their children's growth and development through life, even if they have grown apart. amen.
best,
Dushwari
this phsycologist who has this huge ongoing study of the effect of divorce on children.... she has been studying a large group of ppl for 35 years, khair, in her studies she found that children who come from "single-parent" homes are much more likely to fall behind in studies, have problems in a social context, are more likely to turn to crime (even if it is petty), and are less likely to sustain a healthy relationship with thier partners (yahan pai shaadi tuk kum loog phonch te hai), and are more likely to experience substance and alcohol related problems.... sad na! So despite these adults are really responsible for their actions, it was their past that has made them the ppl they are...
Though I understand that such matters do have a bad impact on a person's life but how would we justify their lacking behind in different fields when Allah (swt) says that I never put a person in a test which is beyond his strength.
People used to give example of a girl in my university who used to get the top position and was living with her father and his 6th wife (and she was born from the first wife)
I mean there are examples where people from very good families don't perform well and people from very bad families turn out to be very good in manners, studies and other fields of life, AFTER they pass the maturity age. Infact alot of people come out as diamond after going through a furnace early in their life.
I believe that whatever situation Allah puts us in (which is not in our control) it is for our best interest, ONLY if we take it positively and try our level best to make positive differences in the things which are in our control.
Not all children react the same way. All of them will be affected in some way but some may start getting into trouble and falling behind in their studies while others may accept that it is a fact of life nowadays that parents do get divorced and its nothing to do with them.
I think the key is for both parents to show the children that they still love them and will be there for them.
Though I understand that such matters do have a bad impact on a person's life but how would we justify their lacking behind in different fields when Allah (swt) says that I never put a person in a test which is beyond his strength.
People used to give example of a girl in my university who used to get the top position and was living with her father and his 6th wife (and she was born from the first wife)
I mean there are examples where people from very good families don't perform well and people from very bad families turn out to be very good in manners, studies and other fields of life, AFTER they pass the maturity age. Infact alot of people come out as diamond after going through a furnace early in their life.
I believe that whatever situation Allah puts us in (which is not in our control) it is for our best interest, ONLY if we take it positively and try our level best to make positive differences in the things which are in our control.
yes, there are examples... but in my post, i was talkign about statistics that this lady brought forward.... thats all. Also, I was talking about australia where God and families are the least important things in a persons life... kabhi kabhi there are shining examples of ppl pulling thru the toughest of situations, but there r exceptions and not everyone has that capability.
I feel sorry for children whose parents are divorced. They are like a tennis ball between the parents.
During the past few months I have observed a case in my in-law family where the child is just being 'thrown' from mum to dad whenever it suits his parents. i.e his mum planned a travel out of country (leisure) which meant that she wouldnt be there for Eid with her son. and she didnt even bother asking her ex husband whether he could take care of their son while she wud be away cuz she was expecting either us or her parents to come from a city 300 km away to take care of him.
So the kid would actually not be with his mum or dad for Eid cuz his parents arent able to communicate properly.
Luckily it did end up with the ex husband taking care of the son so now the kid will spend Eid with his dad which is a relief!!!
But its sad to see that his mum planned all this without showing consideration to the kid's Eid celebrations. Now the kid doesnt even know that his mum will be out of country. fair enough, the lady doesnt want her ex to know what her activities are and especially as newly divorced she must be feeling an urge to feel free but i am just worried about this kid and his future....
feel so sorry to see how mature ppl cant communicate making their children 'hostages' of their wars....
I feel sorry for children whose parents are divorced. They are like a tennis ball between the parents.
During the past few months I have observed a case in my in-law family where the child is just being 'thrown' from mum to dad whenever it suits his parents. i.e his mum planned a travel out of country (leisure) which meant that she wouldnt be there for Eid with her son. and she didnt even bother asking her ex husband whether he could take care of their son while she wud be away cuz she was expecting either us or her parents to come from a city 300 km away to take care of him.
So the kid would actually not be with his mum or dad for Eid cuz his parents arent able to communicate properly.
Luckily it did end up with the ex husband taking care of the son so now the kid will spend Eid with his dad which is a relief!!!
But its sad to see that his mum planned all this without showing consideration to the kid's Eid celebrations. Now the kid doesnt even know that his mum will be out of country. fair enough, the lady doesnt want her ex to know what her activities are and especially as newly divorced she must be feeling an urge to feel free but i am just worried about this kid and his future....
feel so sorry to see how mature ppl cant communicate making their children 'hostages' of their wars....
It's sad that the children are the real victims in these kind of situations through no fault of their own.
I feel sorry for children whose parents are divorced. They are like a tennis ball between the parents.
So the kid would actually not be with his mum or dad for Eid cuz his parents arent able to communicate properly.
But its sad to see that his mum planned all this without showing consideration to the kid's Eid celebrations. Now the kid doesnt even know that his mum will be out of country. fair enough, the lady doesnt want her ex to know what her activities are and especially as newly divorced she must be feeling an urge to feel free but i am just worried about this kid and his future........
Though I pray it never happens like that, but it is quite possible that a day might come when the tennis racket becomes the tennis ball and vice versa.
Old age comes to all those who live, and that is the time when parents realize what they had been sowing all these years.
@Pinks. I agree with you that only those people are able to achieve success in such situations whom Allah bless with the strength and wisdom and they sincerely try their level best.
Btw, I understand your views and my previous post was not directed to your views but on the survey you mentioned. :-)
^ I agree. People should behave normal with them as they used to behave before. Over sympathy and under estimating their will might discourage them alot and they might become a victom of self pity, which would kill their motivation of fighting with difficulties in life.
may Allah swt give strength and patience to children of divorced parents to not fall prey to world's self destructive behaviors in the absence of the guide of their care givers.
and may the parents know that if they were to bring their children into the world, they better be able to stay present for their children's growth and development through life, even if they have grown apart. amen.
best,
Dushwari
Parents play a HUGE role in how a child acts and how he or she is going to turn out in life. You have to realise that a lot of time when parents get divorced, kids feel like it is their fault, or was it something they could have done to prevent what happened. It is really important for the parents to communicate openly with their kids about the divorce. They have to tell the kids the reason for the divorce or how it is not their fault and even though the parents wont be together anymore, they will continue to love them and stay active in their lives, like they are now.
Sometimes one parent is enough for a kid, and sometimes it is not. You cannot generalise in such cases. Every person reacts differently to the same situation. How a kid will handle a divorce, depends a lot on how the parents are handling the divorce themselves. I think, if it is going to be a bitter divorce, with custody and alimony battles, then yeah the kids will be messed up on some emotianal level. And if the parents are civil with each other even after the divorce, it might not effect the kid as much.
I think, if it is going to be a bitter divorce, with custody and alimony battles, then yeah the kids will be messed up on some emotianal level.
[/quote]
You see, Allah (swt) doesn't put a person in a situation beyond his/her endurance. Though I know it would be difficult to go through a situation like this, but the child should learn to always look at the positive side of life.
If ever you are put in a situation more difficult than other people than it means Allah has also blessed you with extraordinary strength to survive that test otherwise Allah would have never put you in that test of life.