In the context that the OP has posed the question - being introduced to a guy/meeting a guy for rishta purposes - it is a perfectly reasonable question. If a guy can ask a girl: Have you ever dated/gone clubbing etc. why can’t she ask him if he’s changed as a person following his divorce? Would you ask a random person this question - absolutely not - but in a rishta scenario I think it’s a fundamental question and more than that - a lot more tactful than asking the guy why he got divorced/who’s fault was the divorce.
In that case, my apologies. Having read the OP’s other threads, I assumed that the question was in the context of a rishta conversation. If in fact it is with a casual acquaintance and no rishta-getting-to-know-one-another, then yes - it would be intrusive and in poor taste. (Though, I do think the OP’s later post indicates it was for rishta purposes).
It was not a question to some random divorced guy. I’m under the impression that only a small number of lucky few get a good, happy marriage where things just click and people complement each others’ personalities rather than bring out the worst qualities in each other. Okay possibly for rishta process.
Okay I get the tone of voice and how something is said matters. Granted it’s a sensitive topic.
The first time when I asked a divorced guy, I just mentioned that we all have flaws and how i’ve improved on my flaws and I mentioned how i’m more of a clean freak now than I was before(I was not very good at all) and how i’m improving my organizational skills so then I proceeded to ask how the experience of marriage has changed or brought upon self improvement for him.
You could easily ask something like the overall learning from the previous relationship, and what are some of the strengths that he wants to repeat in the new setup, and where he would change things. That way you are not accusing him of a failed marriage. Word “improve” gives a vibe that you are implying that his weakness caused the divorce.
alright I’ll try that first sentence you said and reword it gg estyle.
But can I say the “where he would change things” should not be “I want a woman like this and that” but rather “I want to be this kind of husband for my soon to be wife” type of response.
A person isn’t born perfect into this world, we are constantly changing and bettering ourselves. Why does “improve” bring out such a bad vibe?
I don’t know how else to make it sound better. Is it a punch to the ego to use the word “improve”?
^I disagree..i think it is very legitimate to ask either change or improve. Nothing offence about these words. This question, gives a person.. to look into themselves and be honest about what would they change or improve this time. But again, different people..they take it differently..
If I was you, I wouldn’t bother with any of these guys. Red flags all over the place. Nothing against divorced souls but you should probably go for a guy who has less baggage than this.
consider it a bigger red flag if the divorced person you are considering for a future spouse says, “I don’t want to know about your past relationship.”
It’s a red flag because it could mean that they don’t believe that the past can influence your thought process and impact your future…and that’s just immature thinking.
I encourage girls to ask very difficult questions and even try to provoke the subject to see how he handles anger, we do have a serious problem with lack of self control and keeping the cool in adversity. No one under these circumstances should have reservations about talking about the past. When I hire an employee I always ask him why he/she quit the previous job.
Conversely I think divorced people make much better spouses, there has been research done on it.
the question is a valid one and i don’s see any negativity in the question. However, if you are asking this question in your very first meeting then the person might not be in a comfortable position to share all the details with you. People tend to share their unhappy experiences in life only when they find themselves at a stage where they feel comfortable with the person or have begun to trust them. So, i wonder if a divorced guy who doesn’t know you much and meeting you for the first time would share the details or answer to your questions openly.
