the threads about abuse and painful relationships/marriages, where one is violent or verbally abusive or an alcoholic/drug addict, if the couple has kids, as much as the woman or man that is the person that had received the abuse or been through all the pain hates their abuser, they would still have to see that spouse who made their life a nightmare, b/c that person would still have the right to see the child/children that were the result of the marriage.
It would be hard for me to imagine them having a cordial or an amicable divorce or a ‘friendly’ relationship after the divorce b/c of such extreme reasons.
my aunt’s husband had an affair and she has two kids she has to take care of since he divorced her to be with his lover. he would want to see his kids but how do people even get themselves to do that drama of “hi, hello” with somebody that gave them only emotional or physical pain? they would always be connected to their abuser b/c of the child/children
My parents have been seperated since I was around 9yrs old...and then finally got divorced when i was 16yrs. It was hell till they actually got divorced...they wouldn't speak to each other properly..if they did it was always bitter words..and ofcoz they would drag me into the middle of all of it. But I think finally they learnt that they needed to "get along" if they were ever going to give me a proper future..I still think it was a bit too late for them to have made that decision when I was already 16. So, parents need to think of their children, because it is not the child's fault that they had emotional or physical trauma..child needs both parents..but more than that..the child needs to see the parents being cordial with each other...so no matter how much it hurts, the "Hi/Hello" is very important.
I know a few girls that are divorced with kids. Ive never asked them how it is but from what they say...it sounds like its really hard to swallow the anger and pretend as if things are okay in front of the kids.
Because if they dont, the kids become very frustrated and angry. They really have no choice in the matter...they have to be cordial for the kids.
For their own flesh and blood, they will do the needful until the children grow up and understand the situation. Parents divorced and live separate for whatsoever reason but why their children live without love and supports of any one either father or mother. Children, today or tomorrow will going to see other families all living together. I mean children will miss one of presence at home. Moreover, if one of them either mother of father got married, how the children will going to differentiate between real father/mother and step father/mother. I think this condition leads painful relationships/marriages when they grow-up, as OP stated in her first line of first para.
Truly, we can't feel the pain from what they are gowing through.
My parents have been seperated since I was around 9yrs old...and then finally got divorced when i was 16yrs. It was hell till they actually got divorced...they wouldn't speak to each other properly..if they did it was always bitter words..and ofcoz they would drag me into the middle of all of it. But I think finally they learnt that they needed to "get along" if they were ever going to give me a proper future..I still think it was a bit too late for them to have made that decision when I was already 16. So, parents need to think of their children, because it is not the child's fault that they had emotional or physical trauma..child needs both parents..but more than that..the child needs to see the parents being cordial with each other...so no matter how much it hurts, the "Hi/Hello" is very important.
so do think that they should have divorced b/c it was more traumatic on the child/children when they have to see all traumatic stuff that might happen in these volatile marriages right?
if you don't mind me asking, did your parents remarry or did they devote all their efforts into making your future bright? i guess it takes a much higher level of maturity to think only of the child when the parents are pretending to be happy and cordial especially when the relations aren't good at all.
Yes..it is better to get divorced…but then comes child custody…custody battles are bad too…if parents can come to a mutual agreement without dragging things to court…or dragging the discussion on for ages..it will be very good..and believe me, the child will be grateful.
My parents didn’t get re-married..my dad almost did, but that witch thought she would be able to get me out of the picture…too bad for her it back-fired. My mom did receive a proposal…but she refused it too.
The relationship they have now is fine..they actually talk to each other like friends..they discuss things like normal ppl!! I know I have to take care of the both of them soon…so my plan is to have a huge house, one room for mom, one room for dad, would need a few more rooms for me and my future kids
They think I am joking..but they have no idea how damn serious I am about that plan
When I was younger my parents had seperated and it was awkward when my Dad came to visit outside the house, then we ended up living with Dad. At the time, we didn't know what to do because it felt like my Dad was always emotionally black mailing us into being with him. I mean it was horrible in a sense that both my parents were playing these games for us to live with them (not so much my mom but my grandparents/uncles) They would tell us that we must never leave our Mum's side. All in all, it was such a messy situation and us siblings just drifted apart from both our parents and each other. Years later, we figured out why the seperation even took place (Mum has a mental disability, which caused her to behave the way she did) but those feelings don't go away even though they are back together now.
I think parents need to keep their negativity away from the children. Kids stress about things like school plays, or fights with friends so just imagin the stress they have about a divorce between their two most fav. people (their parents)
The mind games is just plain stupid…and yes you do drift apart. But one thing I have to thank them for is, I am never afraid to go anywhere and start on my own..I don’t need ppl I love around me to survive..yes it gets lonely..but you know all the tecniques to fight it off.
for both of you, it reminds of the movie “Mrs. doubtfire” but i remember when i watched that dvd i really wanted them to get back together again and live happily ever after but in life i guess there are some volatile relationships that just don’t work or are painful for everybody involved including the child. it’s best to keep it civil in front of the little ones.
but i feel bad for my aunt b/c she’s left all alone now, it must also be tough for those that are the divorced adults as well especially in desi society. they need to get pally with their solitude and find happiness that way.
So true!! I feel like I can be on my own without any help and the thought doesn’t scare me, while a lot of my desi friends are quite scared of being on their own, especially at our age.
I have seen two cases of divorce with kids. In both cases, mothers don't let their daughters (both have daughters) to meet with their fathers. In case one father disowned his own daughter in court by saying "yeh meri aulad nahin hai.. is aurat ka kisi aur sey chakkar tha usi ki aulad hai" (although the daughter was carbon copy of her paternal grandmother).
In another case, father gave up his meeting rights with his daughter by writting this in divorce papers "i don't want to have any contact with my daughter as she is MANHOOS for me."
So in both cases i don't see parents meeting each other and saying hello hi. but yes it is very important to be civil when they meet in front of their kids. it must be really hard for them but they have to do that for their kids sake.
One of my uncles (he's a young widower, his wife died unexpectedly) recently married a divorcee with 2 kids, he has 1 child himself.. My new auntie has no contact with her ex-husband and neither do her kids.. She was in an abusive marriage..
Another one of my uncles (divorced) married a divorcee but she had no kids (she was quite young at the time she re-married, 23ish I think) and she has no contact with her ex-husband either..
Moreover, if one of them either mother of father got married, how the children will going to differentiate between real father/mother and step father/mother.
I think that's a bit naive.. Unless the kids are v.young (ie toddlers or younger) they can differentiate quite easily between the 'real' parent and the step one.. Usually ppl who think this way have never seen what actually happens when parents divorce and/or re-marry.. I remember ppl in my own family saying stuff like this when I was very young..and before we saw members of our own extended family go thru it themselves..
So in both cases i don't see parents meeting each other and saying hello hi. but yes it is very important to be civil when they meet in front of their kids. it must be really hard for them but they have to do that for their kids sake.
Seems it's quite rare for desi couples to stay on good terms after divorce as we tend to only separate as an absolute last resort and when we absolutely hate the other person's guts.. Obviously extremely difficult to stay on good terms in those sorts of situations (even moreso when abuse is involved)..
Just few days ago i was talking to a divorced lady, she must be in her late 30's. And when the topic if marriage came up, i asked her about her future plans and she said nowadays single girls are having such a tough time getting married how the hell will i ever get a second chance :(. I thought that was real sad. But i did tell her that alot of divorced people marry again so she shouldnt loose hope. But deep down, I also wondered if its really possible in this time where the younger lot is having trouble getting married.
I think that's a bit naive.. Unless the kids are v.young (ie toddlers or younger) they can differentiate quite easily between the 'real' parent and the step one.. Usually ppl who think this way have never seen what actually happens when parents divorce and/or re-marry.. I remember ppl in my own family saying stuff like this when I was very young..and before we saw members of our own extended family go thru it themselves..
It almost more then 10 years since my aunt were divorced and still none of her children came to meet her. I came to know her children are living a very happy life with her new step mother and yeah they are fully aware about her real mother too because nobody can conceal the truth but still her children doesn't like to meet her own real mother. I think it's depend how they nurtured in very early stages and such circumstances causation difference consequce.
for both of you, it reminds of the movie “Mrs. doubtfire” but i remember when i watched that dvd i really wanted them to get back together again and live happily ever after but in life i guess there are some volatile relationships that just don’t work or are painful for everybody involved including the child. it’s best to keep it civil in front of the little ones.