People know when their children will grow up, if parents are divorced, it will become harder to find good proposals
This sentiment frustrates me to no end. The fact that people allow this to influence their decision to stay in a marriage, even if it is abusive and unhealthy, is even more frustrating. Quite frankly, if a potential prospect is shallow and narrow-minded enough to reject your child as a result of something that was beyond their control such as their parents’ divorce, then your child is better off without proposals from such people.
I know of a case of an acquaintance of my parents who stayed in an abusive marriage as result of the stigma of "what will people say," and "if I divorce, my kids will have a hard time getting married." Oddly enough, her two sons are having issues finding a spouse. In a sort of tragic irony, the difficulty they’re facing stems from the fact that she chose to stay in an abusive marriage. They’ve actually been refused by several girls now because the girls’ families believe that as they grew up in a household where there was abuse, they’re likely to be abusive themselves (“like father, like son”). The fact that most people in their circle are aware of their troubled family life doesn’t help matters and their mother’s “sacrifice” of staying with an abusive husband seems to have been for nothing. It’s rather sad.
This sentiment frustrates me to no end. The fact that people allow this to influence their decision to stay in a marriage, even if it is abusive and unhealthy, is even more frustrating. Quite frankly, if a potential prospect is shallow and narrow-minded enough to reject your child as a result of something that was beyond their control such as their parents’ divorce, then your child is better off without proposals from such people.
I know of a case of an acquaintance of my parents who stayed in an abusive marriage as result of the stigma of "what will people say," and "if I divorce, my kids will have a hard time getting married." Oddly enough, her two sons are having issues finding a spouse. In a sort of tragic irony, the difficulty they’re facing stems from the fact that she chose to stay in an abusive marriage. They’ve actually been refused by several girls now because the girls’ families believe that as they grew up in a household where there was abuse, they’re likely to be abusive themselves (“like father, like son”). The fact that most people in their circle are aware of their troubled family life doesn’t help matters and their mother’s “sacrifice” of staying with an abusive husband seems to have been for nothing. It’s rather sad.
How is the situation in Afghan society, when it comes to acceptability of Divorce and Divorcees?
^Back home, it's rather the same as in Pakistani society and in some areas, a bit worse. Many people hold the belief that divorce for any reason other than extreme physical abuse is a "failure" on the part of woman. Infidelity and other issues are viewed as tolerable and people always seem to place the blame on the woman with idiotic reasoning such as "she should have compromised" or "she should have listened to her husband." It's beyond disgusting.
As far as people living in abroad, divorce is more acceptable but still has a bit of stigma attached to it. Both parties are stigmatised though, not just the woman. Divorced men have issues getting remarried although not to the same extent as women. They're rather viewed as "damaged goods" and women hold off on marrying divorced men because of the belief that he may go back to his ex-wife at any time or that he may secretly continue "visiting" (for lack of a more crass verb) her. If a woman who has never been married chooses to marry a divorced man, people assume that it's because she didn't have any other proposals as marrying a divorcee is usually viewed as a last resort. Women have similar difficulties getting remarried but to a greater extent. If divorcees remarry, they often wait a few years before doing so because if they remarry shortly after a divorce (or even within a couple of years), people assume that the new spouse was the reason behind the divorce and that they must have had an illicit relationship with them while being married to their first spouse. If there are children involved, the husband usually insists on keeping them with him if his ex-wife remarries with the reasoning that he doesn’t want his children raised (read: influenced) by another man.
Fortunately though, people are beginning to move away from these ridiculous ideas, albeit slowly.
But my question is not what leads to divorce and how can that be avoided. My question is if its allowed by religion and law, why people feel bad to opt it rather than wasting their lives in an abusive relationship?
Its allowed but not liked even in religion.
I dont remember the exact verse of the Quran regarding that, but I do remember reading something along those lines.
Its disliked to maintain family system and not to retain abusive relationships. Even a sentence like ‘I don’t like my husband’ were sufficient reason for a lady to get divorced during prophet’s time.
a woman came to prophet muhammad (saws) to ask for a divorce from her husband. she told him that she did not complain about any of his morals or qualities but the only problem was that she did not genuinely like him to the extent it was impossible to continue living with him. the prophet (saws) asked her: "do you return his garden (a gift marriage he offered to her)?" she said: "yes." the prophet asked him to take his garden and divorce her. [SUP][75][/SUP]
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[75] al bukhari, te book of divorce, hadith 4973
there is one point that all of you have overlooked in the discussion, having been in an abusive marriage myself the foremost reason i have always been very reluctant to divorce him is that I think its very difficult to survive in pakistan without a man by your side.
i grew up without a father (he passed away when i was quite young) so i have had some very painful experiences in this regard even though my mother is a very strong lady MashAllah and she tried to protect me as best as could and we also had some family around but even then............ i wont go in the details but suffice it to say they were quite traumatic...... so even though i am separated i am very reluctant to go ahead with the divorce because i don't want my daughter to go through all that.....
i read somewhere ," baap ke marnay ke bad aap aik aisay ghar main muntaqil ho jaaty hain jis ka main gate toota hua he" i think its very true
as far as comparing with the west they are on the other extreme..... on all trillion of the domestic abuse help websites i have visited divorce is listed as the only option, "once an abuser, always an abuser" while that might be true for some of the cases it not true for everyone......while discussing my own problem with a close friend at work, she told me that when she was little her father used to hit her mother,her younger two sis were were too young but she and her older brother witnessed it, but it stopped eventually..... all of them are grown up and married now........ all happy in their married lives, she is a balanced happy person, i know her bhai and bhabi too, they are a very happy couple too MA...
someone else i know also suffered from it very early in their marriage before they had kids, but there were just one or two incidents and it stopped too, they have a daughter now and things are quite good if not perfect,
what i want to say is, even in cases as extreme as physical abuse don't follow blindly what the west say and don't rush divorce... the same family and inlaws that seem like a nuisance otherwise can prove to be good support system and may even help turn things around by pressurising the husband to 'behave'. that's what made it work in one of the above 2 cases...
divorce is never a solution, its just trading one set of problems for the other, so unless one is financially and socially very secure, in pakistan divorced women are just an easy target for the whole society to exploit
just my 2 cents
there is one point that all of you have overlooked in the discussion, having been in an abusive marriage myself the foremost reason i have always been very reluctant to divorce him is that I think its very difficult to survive in pakistan without a man by your side.
i grew up without a father (he passed away when i was quite young) so i have had some very painful experiences in this regard even though my mother is a very strong lady MashAllah and she tried to protect me as best as could and we also had some family around but even then............ i wont go in the details but suffice it to say they were quite traumatic...... so even though i am separated i am very reluctant to go ahead with the divorce because i don't want my daughter to go through all that.....
i read somewhere ," baap ke marnay ke bad aap aik aisay ghar main muntaqil ho jaaty hain jis ka main gate toota hua he" i think its very true
as far as comparing with the west they are on the other extreme..... on all trillion of the domestic abuse help websites i have visited divorce is listed as the only option, "once an abuser, always an abuser" while that might be true for some of the cases it not true for everyone......while discussing my own problem with a close friend at work, she told me that when she was little her father used to hit her mother,her younger two sis were were too young but she and her older brother witnessed it, but it stopped eventually..... all of them are grown up and married now........ all happy in their married lives, she is a balanced happy person, i know her bhai and bhabi too, they are a very happy couple too MA...
someone else i know also suffered from it very early in their marriage before they had kids, but there were just one or two incidents and it stopped too, they have a daughter now and things are quite good if not perfect,
what i want to say is, even in cases as extreme as physical abuse don't follow blindly what the west say and don't rush divorce... the same family and inlaws that seem like a nuisance otherwise can prove to be good support system and may even help turn things around by pressurising the husband to 'behave'. that's what made it work in one of the above 2 cases...
divorce is never a solution, its just trading one set of problems for the other, so unless one is financially and socially very secure, in pakistan divorced women are just an easy target for the whole society to exploit
just my 2 cents
Yeah, divorce was common back then.. the sahaba used to divorce and remarry quite easily back in the times of the Prophet (PBUH).. they had quite pragmatic views on marriage and relationships..
Our culture has attached a lot of stigma to it when in reality if a person has an actual reason to divorce in Islam (eg they no longer love their partner or a marital right isn’t being fulfilled, let alone cheating or abuse) that is considered enough to terminate a marriage..
Being a ‘martyr’ and staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of God isn’t from Islam..
It definitely isn't an achievement to have a low divorce rate while having a high level of domestic violence at the same time.
No one gets married thinking they'd get divorced but when both partners are simply not compatible and things like marriage counseling don't seem to help or when there's emotional or physical abuse involved, it makes sense to call it quit than to remain perpetually trapped in an unhealthy, toxic marriage. There is life after divorce too and that life can be freer, happier in many cases. One doesn't always need to be married in order to be happy.
Sometimes though, as is the case in parts of South Asia where participation of women in the workforce is very low and mostly men are the breadwinners, a low divorce rate may not just be reflective of societal taboo surrounding divorce but also of the economic impracticality of getting one. If the society makes it extremely hard for women to go out and make a living, many may feel they have no choice but to get married and to remain married come what may because otherwise they would encumber their parents or male relatives who have their own families to support. No one wants to be a burden on others but being compelled to endure and stay in an abusive marriage is nothing commendable either. That's one more reason why we need universal access to education and more employment opportunities for women. Women who are educated and financially self-sufficient or know they are able to be self-sufficient should the need arise are better positioned to take stock of their marriage and extricate themselves from a toxic relationship.
It definitely isn't an achievement to have a low divorce rate while having a high level of domestic violence at the same time.
No one gets married thinking they'd get divorced but when both partners are simply not compatible and things like marriage counseling don't seem to help or when there's emotional or physical abuse involved, it makes sense to call it quit than to remain perpetually trapped in an unhealthy, toxic marriage. There is life after divorce too and that life can be freer, happier in many cases. One doesn't always need to be married in order to be happy.
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Allah in this case make a way for people..and grant you compitable spouse...but zulm ko sehna bhi zalim ko dheel dena hy..
