extremes in the relationship like abuse(which rarely gets better) or dangers…how can people that are really in love be separated/divorced?
lord i guess even with infidelity i see it as a moment of weakness if everything else is good but whenever i see a divorced couple that had nothing close to abuse, most of those relationships could’ve been saved, marriage counseling or those marriage help books and advice are there to make it better again.
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
Sometimes people can get on fine but love and intimacy (ie the sexual relationship) are missing.. If a marriage has broken down in a more extreme way (infidelity, addiction etc) I don't think it's fair to expect people to stay together or necessarily even think that staying put is the better outcome..
One of my aunts left a marriage where there was no physical abuse (but obviously other problems).. she could have stayed just for the sake of it but she'd have been miserable and living a lie.. Counselling, self-help books etc. only work when people genuinely want to change.. which they often can't or won't..
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
When folks love each other, they don't divorce or go for separation. The only time they go for extreme way (getting divorce) when they fall out of love. There are ways to re-establish love even after an affair or violence, but it takes time and effort on both sides. I recently read that marriage counseling doesn't work, Consumer Reports reported that marriage counselors fail 84% of times, its waste of time and money. So what you do.. I read a book " Men from Mars, Women from Venus", that changed my life.. A couple of other books, "His Needs Her Needs, The Love Busters" and also a link to marriagebuilders.com, they have forums which help you out or you can read other discussions.
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
I was thinking the same thing last night, Nisha. If there is no degree of extremes (infidelity or even lack of intimacy comes under 'extremes') there is no reason why a couple can't work at it together and get counseling and rekindle the relationship somehow. Like Kim Kardashian for example. She got divorced in 72 days, except a marriage cannot end in 72 days. The factors to make the relationship either weren't there from the get-go or she was just plain delusional living in lala land expecting to not have to work at it and it was going to be perfect forever (i'm saying this because regardless of how her husband may have been, she was the one who filed for divorce).
It seems rather silly at times to me how easy divorce is for people. BUT that being said, infidelity (even emotionally), abuse (verbal or physical), neglect and lack of compassion are all pretty valid grounds for separation or divorce.
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
Some changes occur when your dating and it changes when your married.
-DP
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
Sometimes people just cant work things out and divorce is the only option. Even if a wife or the husband commit themselves to solving the issue at hand, its really important that the other partner is on board. And sometimes the process of working through problems can sometimes be more painful than a divorce.
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren’t any
the violence thing is something that i’ve seen, usually most couples don’t break it off after the first couple times of the volatility, it takes all those times of forgiveness and then forgetting and then it happens again and eventually the learned behavior stops or continues(which ends up being the case most of the time) but in this case one or both are in pain physically and/or psychologically
i’ve seen situations of infidelity though, my cousin’s husband was unfaithful to her when they first got married, when he was in the states and she in the old country but she forgave him and b/c of the guilt he’s a really good hubs to her and he loves her…i was only in high school but seeing that changed my view of infidelity, I personally don’t see it as grounds for divorce, if the unfaithful one is still in love with his/her spouse
the lack of intimacy, why divorce even in this case though, there’s so much that can be done even with this, if the other person isn’t gay, lack of intimacy might have some other reason that’s causing it, i know all this isn’t so simple but it shouldn’t be grounds for leaving the relationship 
i’m basing it all on the fact that there was that all important true love once before unless the whole relationship was based only on infatuation and has no real foundation…
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
When one does good deeds and prays to Allah (Swt) to bless the sawab (blessings) of that deed to one's spouse, Allah (swt) soften's their hearts for mutual love.
Also the Prophet (saw) used to make "niwala" (Luqma) and put it in mouth of Hazrat Ayesha (r.a) while having a meal. Once Junaid Jamshed complained to an Aalim about the harsh arguments that he had with his wife (probably when he planned to leave music). The Aalim advised him to follow this sunnah.
While having meal, Junaid bhai gathered some courage and made a niwala, then tried to put it in his wife's mouth. She shied (sharmana) by this act and asked Junaid, "Who told you to do this ?" Junaid bhai replied, "My friend Aalim" She replied," Aik woh dost tumhara acha hai, baqi sab dost burey hein"
:-)
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren’t any
[quote="“Nisha25"”]
Well Im really proud of your cousin’s husband, but there are a lot of cases where the husband/wife that have cheated continue to do so, with other people or still continue an extramarital affair with one other person. Either way I think its fair for the husband or the wife to break it of after the first time because this is case of trust, and its hard to gain it back once you have lost it. When one partrner is giving you nothing but “wafa” they should expect nothing less than complete “wafa” from their husband /wife . Unlinke your cousin’s husband many spouses also like to play the game after they have cheated, stating that they were left with no choice but to cheat because they were missing something in their marital life.In addition to that some people cannot get over the idea that their spouse was romantically/sexually involved with someone else besides them and this can cause a lot of mental trauma and bitter feelings later on in the marriage. So I think even if the spouse is caught cheating once and their partner wants to end it…fair enough.
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
none of these problems would exist if we all turned gay. Just sayin
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
^Irrelevant x1001833748983933.
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
you think :/
Just look at my story would psychiatric issues count?
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
Well Im really proud of your cousin's husband, but there are a lot of cases where the husband/wife that have cheated continue to do so, with other people or still continue an extramarital affair with one other person. Either way I think its fair for the husband or the wife to break it of after the first time because this is case of trust, and its hard to gain it back once you have lost it. When one partrner is giving you nothing but "wafa" they should expect nothing less than complete "wafa" from their husband /wife . Unlinke your cousin's husband many spouses also like to play the game after they have cheated, stating that they were left with no choice but to cheat because they were missing something in their marital life.In addition to that some people cannot get over the idea that their spouse was romantically/sexually involved with someone else besides them and this can cause a lot of mental trauma and bitter feelings later on in the marriage. So I think even if the spouse is caught cheating once and their partner wants to end it....fair enough.
oh no i totally agree with you in this case, this type of situation is emotional abuse to the max, the amount that the spouse would go through constantly being suspicious of the philandering spouse, i see how they would go crazy. my aunt did divorce her husband b/c he had an affair but he actually ended up marry the woman he had an affair with.
the time when you see the person you love feeling love and genuine loving feelings for another woman can be excruciatingly painful even if the spouse gave it everything they've got in the relationship. when i was saying infidelity i was talking that one time moment of lustful weakness..........most people would not agree with me, normally i would agree with them but it's just that one situation of my cous's hubs changing from an arrogant, very high on himself(he is very very good looking so he does get a lot of female attention) to a very humble good hubby to my cousin after his one moment of weakness, obviously this is not the norm with most infidelity situations, the person would never change their ways
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
Most desis don't divorce unless it is one of those extreme reasons they can't handle.
what i was talking about are those that are more like " we grew apart" and that's the reason they divorced, I just don't understand where in the world that initial love goes at that time.
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
I think if two people are willing to work things out...they can overcome almost any obstacle.
However, it takes two. Both have to be willing to change and try. In a lot of these situations, you have one person trying and the other isn't. In which case, the trying party eventually gives up as well.
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
More than anything else, I believe its one's capacity to manage things and endurance. What cannot be cured, must be endured. But again not everyone will and can go by this philoophy, even I wont. We get this life only once, and getting along and sulking is worse than putting an end to the relationship you are not getting anything from.
As for why people go for divorce, nothing can be said for sure. Everyone's story and case varies. I dont see the people who went for divorce being at fault. They were bolder and braver to be able to put an end to something they couldnt manage any further.
Re: Divorce, Separation why do it if there aren't any
I think if two people are willing to work things out...they can overcome almost any obstacle.
However, it takes two. Both have to be willing to change and try. In a lot of these situations, you have one person trying and the other isn't. In which case, the trying party eventually gives up as well.
QFT!