I have been married 7.5 years and have 2 kids ages 4.5 and 2.5.
My marriage was rocky from the beginning. We have always fought about everything and anything you can think of because of his extremely critical and argumentative nature and my inability to ignore how incredibly petty he is. We literally do not see eye to eye on anything. We both now agree that the only good thing that ever came from this marriage is our two beautiful and smart daughters (Alhumdolilah for this blessing).
I have been so miserable for so long. I know I will never be happy with my husband. I don’t love him at all.
I have been a SAHM for the last 5 years. I don’t drive. I have a child with a mild disability that requires extra medical appointments. I have very little help from our parents. I feel constantly stressed, tired and depressed.
He is willing to try counseling but thinks I am the one that has all the issues (his narcissistic way of thinking) and maintains that I am the one that really needs therapy, not him.
I feel like he is the reason why I will not enter jannah. This is my biggest fear. I resent him for being such a terrible husband, that I am unable to be a good wife to him and for this reason, I will not enter jannah.
I also hate the negative impact it has on our girls (especially the older one who is extremely aware of our tumultuous relationship). I don’t want them to see a dysfunctional husband wife relationship.
I feel like I want to leave, but the timing isn’t right. I want to get my driver’s license first, then get a job and I am currently researching a surgery which could improve my older daughter’s condition, but it will cost us $150k because it is only available in the states and we are in canada. So when you take all the above into consideration, I can’t leave for a few years.
Has anyone been in a situation where they stayed for the kids? Prolonged the relationship and put off the divorce for a few years because it was not convenient? How do you get through the days? And then I wonder if it is worth it? My life will surely be so difficult as a single mom. Should I be patient and let him to continue to hurt me and endure all this? I just don’t think i am that strong a person. I want what is best for my daughters. Has anyone been in this situation? Is there a group for single moms or women going through troubled marriages? I honestly don’t know what to do.
you need to first carefully see the pros and cons of staying in this marriage and living a life as a single mom. And see which situation you find most difficult to deal with. From your post its evident that you have come to a point where you absolutely see no hope that your marriage can turn to a normal one and the only reason you are thinking to prolong it is your kids. Why are you thinking that if you get a divorce, then you will have to take care of the kids responsibilities yourself? Your husband can and should fulfill all the financial responsibilities of the daughters even after you two separates. He should even share the non financial responsibilities of the kids with you. If you divorce, this doesn’t mean that only you have to take care of the kids.
Gudiaali - Because I would want full custody. I already know he will fight for full custody. If he doesn’t get it, he will insist on partial at least (as much as the thought of that kills me, i know its his right). I just think it sucks that I do all of the child rearing…he barely helps with the kids as it is, but if we were to divorce he would do his best to get custody (because he has a mom and sister that he would dump them onto so he wouldn’t have to do much work). Financially i beleive according to islam it is a man’s full financial responsibility, but he is not the type that will want to give me money, so i don’t know how that will work. Furthermore, he will take half my money. I put my entire life savings into our downpayment to ensure that the monthly mortgage payments were low enough for him to be able to afford them on his income alone since i don’t work. Though islamically, he doesn’t have a right to my money, the canadian court system will allow him to walk away with half of that downpayment (not sure if this would be the case if me and my kids continue to live here). As you can see the situation is extremely complicated.
The fact that he is even open to counseling shows that he’s not ready to throw in the towel just yet. For many Desi guys, even going to counseling is considered a big deal…an embarrassing one. So, I would suggest that you give the counseling and fair and honest shot. That way, if you both do end up divorcing, you won’t have any regrets because you will know that you truly tried your best and that divorce was indeed a last resort.
PRIOR to counseling, I think it’s only natural for both parties to blame each other. Just as your husband believes that you are more at fault for this marriage deteriorating, you also believe that he is more blameworthy. But when you sit in front of a counselor (who is an expert)…that person will listen and observe the both of you and will explain to each of you what your faults are. In other words, the counselor will address your husband’s beliefs about his complete “innocence” in this equation…as well as yours. Now whether or not you both implement the advice given…is another issue.
I have not been in your situation, so I’m just sharing my 2 cents. Members who do have children will be better able to guide you. I think (just my opinion) that some good thought needs to be put into what kind of counselor you both decide to get. A non-Muslim counselor will have a different mindset than let’s say…a Muslim counselor. If you and your husband are both practicing Muslims, then that means that Islamic guidelines are a big part of your daily lives…and you cannot remove the Islam totally from your life or even from your decision making process. So, perhaps…a counselor that is very knowledgeable about relationship dynamics and conflict resolution…but can ALSO guide your both in the light of Quran/Hadith/Sunnah…may provide you and husband with a more comprehensive or thorough counseling. That way you both are counseled from a dunyavi and deeni …or wordly and Islamic perspective. So, this could be something to think about.
You started your thread off by saying that you and husband argue about everything. When you are dealing with a person that is super sensitive about many things…then you really have to will yourself to let some issues slide or to remain quiet…or not take the bait. This is extremely hard to do, as I’ve been there. But when the other person is not one to easily admit their mistakes…then someone has to be bigger the person and let it go. You have to choose between your sanity and trying to win an argument that the other person will try hard not to let you win. I admit I don’t have great self-control myself…so again…it’s really really hard to do. But that’s why one has to have exert some inner will power.
Also, apart from taking all practical measures such as counseling and compromising in the relationship…some spiritual measures might help as well. It’s said that abundant recitation of durood and istighfar removes hardships and brings blessings. So, recite these two things throughout the day while you are cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc etc. Recitation of surah Baqarah also keeps shaitan and evil influences away so you can try doing that…but it’s hard to read it as it’s a very long surah. You can try playing it in your home regularly. Just doing dhikr/tasbeeh can temporarily take your mind off problems and help calm you down. Recite durood/istighfar and make dua for guidance and relief. Basically take spiritual measures alongside practical ones.
Like redvelvet said, it’s super rare close to never that a desi man is willing to go to marriage counselling so that is a super big positive. Which means that there is a tiny possibility that he might bend on other issues as well.
You have a lot on your plate right now. Two kids plus you are not employed so no steady income and you need to still learn to drive. Take it a day at a time but have faith that your husband might adjust or compromise. You need his help regardless of if you even like him right now because of his past actions. You have 2 kids with him so even if you get a divorce you can’t completely get rid of him from your life, you’ll always be connected.
You’re wondering whether or not getting a divorce is worth it in your situation? Read the part you yourself wrote in red. Do you think the current situation is psychologically healthy for your girls? Do you want them to grow up thinking that this is what marriage is like? Do you want to teach your daughters that they should spend their life in a marriage even if they are miserable?
Are you currently working on getting a driver’s license and looking for a job?
yes I have seen such couples but some how that marriage still works and they are living a better life. with time most women learn to manage their husbands highs and lows.
some people have a personality disorder of being too happy or too sad.
agree with RV, the fact he has even mentioned counselling is a big deal. you are focussing on him putting all the blame on you because you are very unhappy. without knowing both sides, and taking into consideration that you’ve got two girls and they are witnessing all this, i would say take a day out to relax your mind a little and decide whether you can have a conversation with him or get counselling. if it’s not possible at all, then do what you think is best. being a single parent is probably very difficult but not near as difficult as being in a loveless and infuriating marriage.
