Hi Fingirl,
How long have you been married? A year? More than a year? Compare that time to a LIFETIME of misery. Now, when you try looking at things from THIS perspective, doesn’t the time you spent with your husband seem much smaller and shorter in comparison to the realization that you have the rest of your life ahead of you and that you can try to live it in PEACE???
There have been members on GS who have been in dysfunctional (physically abusive) marriages that were WORSE than yours. In their case, there were children involved. You don’t have to worry about that obstacle. After giving their marriage their best shot, after tolerating and enduring for so long, and after seeing that things were only getting worse…they got a divorce. Some of them felt the same way you did…that unnecessary guilt. It was hard in the beginning…but now they have found sooooo much peace…peace that was missing in their marriage…PEACE and SANITY and DIGNITY and RESPECT that is priceless…and that they lacked in their marriage.
You said that you missed the happy “moments” you shared with your husband. Well…they were just that. They were brief, teeny-tiny MOMENTS compared to the MONTHS of hell that you put up with. The negative outweighs the positive here…practically canceling all of the positive.
Why do you feel guilty? Here’s my theory on why you feel guilty. You’re scared of the stigma that desi culture has made out of divorce…and especially for women than for men. It’s an unreasonable social stigma that has no validation or basis in Islam. If you feel guilty that you’ve committed a huge gunnah…even that is unreasonable. Divorce was never haraam in Islam. Allah allowed divorce because it’s gunnah to endure oppression and to commit it. It’s not like you rushed to a divorce. You tried to make it work…and it only got worse. You have the right to get out of this marriage.
Islamically, a guy is supposed to be the head of the household an the provider of his family. But in your case…you had to work because your husband LIED to you about his financial crisis. He couldn’t even support you or his family financially. Moreover, he couldn’t support you as his wife emotionally. He has insulted you in front of his own family…YOU…the breadwinner in his household. Rather than him and his family showing some gratefulness toward you…they took out their anger and insecurities on you. How much worse would things get if there were children involved? Marriage requires strong partners. Your husband was too weak. He couldn’t control his lack of employment…he couldn’t control his financial conditions…he couldn’t stand up to his family. He couldn’t control the big things in life that would have made him feel like more of a man…that’s why he decided to control the SMALL things (like how you fold a blanket) to feel more powerful. He tried to feel powerful and more like a man…by putting you down. He’s pathetic. Can’t lead life with a guy like that…and with a family that’s no better.
At least you value marriage…that’s also why you feel guilty. But does your husband feel guilty that the marriage is coming to an end? Does he feel guilty that it’s over??? NO!!! That’s why he was smiling at you in court. He doesn’t care…about your feelings…about what you went through…about your future…about anything. You were just a breadwinner for this pathetic weakling of a man who can’t stand up to his parents…and his greedy/insecure family. They will be able to find another girl who will become their next breadwinner victim. But…this is your chance at freedom and getting your life back. Also, another reason why your husband SMILES at you in court…is because he’s trying to scare you (immature tactic)…the same way that a villain in a movie might smile before committing an atrocity. He’s hoping that his smile will get under your skin and frazzle your nerves…and you’re letting him win by getting scared. Don’t be scared…of someone who has no character, of someone who’s not a good Muslim husband. If Allah brought you to it…He’ll get you through it. Sometimes a seemingly negative situation could be a blessing in disguise. Hang in there. You’re educated…you’ll find a way to support yourself. You’re strong because you made it this far. The next time you see him in court…look him square in the eye without fear. That’ll scare him. Or copy his same tactic…SMILE at him…smile so he acts afraid of you.