div**ce...

Lifestyle Relationships
1

salams..

sorry for such a weird topic :bummer: the issue has really been gnawing on my mind for many days specially since two females i know really closely got div…

i was just reading the article in today’s newspaper about hadiqa qiani’s div and i decided to open this thread…

she said that before her marriage the guy was the one who was nuts about her and when he approached her she told him to ask his mother to contact her mother. but after they got married he totally became indifferent and she was running after him to save the marriage. it seemed as if ‘he had already achieved her and his obsession was now over’ :bummer: when they separated for so many months, he dint even contact her. even on the last day if he had come and tried to talk to her, she would have given the relationship a chance but he dint come :bummer:

she also said that she had made the guy the center of everything after her marriage, kind of like her life revolved around him, and now she thinks that was a mistake, she will not do that in a future relationship…

i felt really sad when i read that…

recently some girls i know personally got div as well…you hear a lot about girls getting div these days, much more than our parents’ generation..

maybe i am biased because being a female i can maybe understand the girl’s side better or my natural sympathies are with the girl because she is the one i know but i dono but it seems that girls are always the ones who try to put more into the relationship and till the end try for reconciliation whereas guys don’t really care for the relationship to last as much…its the girls who really believe in ‘together till death do us apart’ whereas guys dont really care for that…?

its not that the girls do it out of fear of the social outfall (though that might be a factor) but it seems like girls are more emotionally dependent on their spouses than guys and have the notion that ‘i cant live without him, what will i do, how will my life go on’…whereas guys have the mentality of ‘ye nahi to koi aur sahi’…? they never really get emotionally attached, or as emotionally attached? is this really true or is this a misconception?

most of these females i spoke to were telling me that till the end they tried for reconciliation but the guys were not responsive and it seemed like they were not that interested in keeping the relationship alive…

i feel like atleast two of the females i spoke to who got div**ced still ‘liked’ their ex-husbands!! :bummer: it was really heart breaking and i wondered…what went wrong? did the guy really not like them and want to remain married to them? both these females were so sweet and cooperative…even very pretty…i really wondered how could anyone not have liked them?

hmmm…i dono the purpose of the thread…just putting down my thoughts maybe… :bummer: please share ur thoughts on this subject if u have any…would love to read em…thanks..

2

:)
Here in holland last year, 60.000 aprox divorces. and 38.000 marriages. For the first time in history there were more divorces then mariages.
everything is so easy now :)
sorry to hear that.

3

yes u r rite, its so sad n disturbing

the girlz n the boyz r so fantisized that they take their life, just like a story of film or novel.

in relationships u got to be on recieving end for sure.

one more thing when v r not going to promote islamic values in ourselves v will continue on this path.

4

Praetaxtus :bummer: thats terrible :frowning:

ophiolites…u r rite…we have to promote islamic values…

5

Re: div**ce…

no I think you are rite, about girs beeing more emotionaly invollved, but the social outfall may not be a big factor , but playes a role. i think is not because the girl is afraid of what the world will say about her, but that she feell “unsuceed” I think some men get ziddi and do not want to take the first step to work things out.

yes we have to promote islamic values. divorce is a very sad thing.
i will never advice anyone to live in a abussiv marraige, fysically or mentally abussiv. but i feel ppl these days give uo to early. Marriage is not only about love it is about respect and coprimises. i also know girls that are divorced, and some of them have really worked to get theire marrige on, but others when you hear theire complains :smack2:

6

When one of my girlfriends got married, she told me that the marriage seemed like out of a fairytale. The way she met her husband, the long distance relationship, the phone calls, etc. She was married for a little over a year, and then they got a divorce. And both of them did not believe in the idea of divorce, when getting married. sigh

She told me after her divorce that she thought marriage was going to be like the fairytales you see on television. A life of bliss, the husband working, the woman in the home taking care of everything, etc.

To her, her husband soon lost interest in her because she didnt work, and when he came home from work he would mention the women in the office and how they worked hard, dressed well, etc. Also, she said that being in the home and not dressing up and looking good, etc, affected her husbands thoughts of her. I dont know if this is an isolated incident or not, but it certainly surprised me. She told me that love is not enough to sustain a marriage, because both loved eachother even at the divorce.

She told me that she is the one who tried to reconcile the relationship, but husband was not affected by that. Even seeing a marriage specialist didnt work.

The whole incident just turned me off a little to marriage.

7

Munni, was it a desi couple? Did the girl choose not to work herself or her husband asked her not to?

This scenario seems to be quite common. Guys comparing their wives with the female colleagues at work. I dont understand this. Firstly, most desi guys want house-wives for themselves ... not letting their wives work and then complaining that they dont look as good and are not as in-tune with the times as the working women. Very unfair.

8

Irem, whats up with div**ce, hein? Its not a gaali you know.

9

Wane I know its not a gaali but I dont like that word :frowning:

Munni, that sounds so weird, they both loved each other but still got div’ed? how strange :bummer: hmmm, i do think girls should take care of their appearance etc and even if they are housewives they should be active and try to be a part of society, but its not fair for the guy to be comparing her to others and making her feel bad abt it huh…i went to a rural area recently where mostly the men are in the army and posted in cities, their wives dont have exposure outside the pind tho…the women were complaining too that the guys come home and complain that they see such ‘good looking’ women in the cities and their wives are not up to that level…i thought that sucked…and what’re those women sposed to do? they work morning to night like crazy, they hardly have time for anything…

diyah u r right some ppl do give up really easily but there are some who don’t but their spouses give up too easily… i dont think its always the girl at fault as many ppl think…

10

Wane, no the couple I know is not desi. But the guy did say that she did not have to work. sigh

irem, the guy didnt really come home and complain outright. He "hinted" at it, according to my girlfriend. Or he said it when they got into arguments. Apparently those things led to petty arguments. But she said she understood loud and clear what he was hinting at. And yes, they both loved eachother (according to my friend and her ex) and are still friends infact, that call eachother once in awhile.

11

just as the title of this post suggests, the word "talaaq" has become such ill-sought after that many people dont even want to read a book titled "talaaq" and if they ever see someone reading a book on the topic, hell breaks lose on him/her....

i bought this series of "...... masa'el hadith ki roshni me" and my wife once saw me reading "janaazay ke masa'el" and was "aap ko or kucch nahin milta parrhnay ke liye"....
needless to say she snatched the book from my hand and placed it back in its sacred place in the bookshelf....

wonder what she'd do if she caught me reading "talaaq ke masa'el"????

anyway, divorce is one thing where i think ladies r as guilty as men....
just as it takes two to make a relation, it takes two to break it....

12

The pain the couple go through while having separation till they are finally divorced must be awful,at least thats how i feel :-(

Thats how i've been told by few people i know who went through this terrible time of their lives !

People need enough time to get hold of themselves and return back to their previous norm,since divorce shatters a person from within him/herself.

irem did you read in that interveiw of hadiqa's how she spent months with her sister and her nephew to regain her energies and courage to restart her new life!! i felt so sad for her at that moment :(

May Allah save all of us from this sort of shattering incidence,Ameen.

13

the woman should never act as though her everything revolves around her husband, she is doing whatever bcos she isdoing it for Allah, and she should make ita point with the man in question that her parents are important as well in her life, that she will listen to others and not just him always///

14

P*p* s*u* n** be m*ing f* f tng* l* div***ce..hain na?

15

Re: div**ce...

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
she also said that she had made the guy the center of everything after her marriage, kind of like her life revolved around him, and now she thinks that was a mistake, she will not do that in a future relationship...

[/QUOTE]

When I met Hadiqa, she was ignoring her husband, was dismissive towards him and paid very little attention to him. I thought that is the price he paid for marrying a celebrity, but even though this was backstage and she was essentially done with her bit of the show except for a grand finale, she chose to sit about 5 chairs down from her husband.

just thought i would point this out. I could be completely wrong and her terms with her could be very diff back then compared to what i witnessed, but if that was her usual approach towards him then I am not suprised that it did not work out.

16

If it takes two to tango then it takes two to divorce.

17

^not always true. it depends what this "tango" is. one of my cousin's got a divorce because her husband was physically abusive. I think in cases like that the tango is a one sided thing.

18

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
Wane I know its not a gaali but I dont like that word :(

diyah u r right some ppl do give up really easily but there are some who don't but their spouses give up too easily... i dont think its always the girl at fault as many ppl think...
[/QUOTE]

Irem , i dont like the word either, and i dont think it is the girl fault always, when i talking about that some ppl give up to soon, i am talking abuot the couple, I am talking about the expectations they have to the marrigae life, it cant be a fariytale and love all life you have to work on a relationship . I have talked to some girls and theire complains about theire husband seems sometime very childdish, when i compare to what other girls go threw, I know girls who haved lived in mentally abbusiv marriagealmost 10 years. She has two child, her husband had or has drinking problems, early in the marriage , theire were problems. She wasnt aware of his drinking habbits then, but there was something wrong, . Two years ago she left him finaaly, after 10 years.

19

My family is like immune to divorce, divorce is a big no no. They'll desperately do everything to make things work to try to avoid the divorce option.

20

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by ophiolites: *
one more thing when v r not going to promote islamic values in ourselves v will continue on this path.
[/QUOTE]

Ophio, just FYI, Islam allows divorce, so I'm not clear on what you mean by promoting Islamic values.

And irem, can you be an adult and write the whole word? It's DIVORCE, not div, not div**ce, just typing out the word won't curse or jinx you.