Disturbed friend

[DaffyDuck]

This is a problem of a friend i know who seems to be upset every now and then and she told me her problem. I want you all to suggest some things i can advise her:

My friend, lets name her Tina, has a very close male married friend. Lets name him Hassan. They have been friends for about 2 years. They got along really well the moment they met and till now they have been best friends even after his marriage. His wife knows about it so there are no issues about this but Tina’s family knows that she has a male friend. They dont know that they are so close that they discuss every personal thing related to their past life, their work place, their routine, their family life (of course not of his married life but general parents, siblings,cousins etc.) and just every other thing. At first when they became friends, people always linked them with each other but they never liked each other that way, Plus Hassan had a relation with another girl who he later got married to and now has a child as well. Liking or love or any sort of such thing has never entered their relation but when link ups were created by other people Tina got really upset and started taking steps back to avoid any issues but Hassan was so close to her that he always got extremely upset about the matter, they always fought over it and things got normal. Now after 2 years of their friendship, although they are very close but Tina always feels she needs some space by herself, for her family, for her life. They both work and have to officially be logged in the entire day due to work demands so they also always had communication over the internet and via the phone. Both of them always know where the other one is like we are with our family members we always know where they are what they are doing.

The problem is that after 2 years of friendship, Tina always thinks that she is very close to him which can be a lot of problem for her later married life and her present family life. No husband likes it if his wife is close to some other person and likewise parents are normally okay with being friends but they her parents are unaware that they have permanent contact and are always updated. Although, they are just purely friends, which i know as well because i know them personally that they are on purely friendship terms, Tina just finds it very difficult to manage her personal life with this friend of hers. She feels its just not okay when she has to respond to his messages or chat messages when she is at home or at work. It becomes difficult to do so. Whenever she mentions such a topic of taking a break, takign a step back, being careful about her relation with him as others may perceive them differently, or not discussing every personal thing ---- He somehow feels it and takes in a very negative way. he gets so emotionally disturbed and extremely sad that it becomes difficult for her to cope with distancing from him and coping with the communication level. But this debate keeps happening between them all the time. Hassan is so attached to her from a long time, he confides in her all the time. He became closer to her after marriage knowing that his wife was normal about this so he comfortably has kept the same relation going as is but Tina feels that it will be a problem for her future married life, her present family life. She too finds it very difficult to distance out from him specially when they are so used to discussing each and every thing with each other. Whenever she tries to hide things just for distancing reasons he seems to find them out himself. Tina is very emotionally disturbed and keeps having mood swings because her parents & siblings find it odd when she is messaging or chatting throughout and if she avoids then Hassan takes things differently.If she even suggests cutting off Hassan goes crazy & gives such reasonings that she cannot convince him on it and she drops the idea completely as she herself finds it difficult to detach from a friend she has been best friends from a long time. She is very confused. Please suggest some things for her to do.

[redvelvet]

Something doesn't seem right in this picture.

Tina KNOWS what she needs to do but she's giving into temptation. Simple. She needs to be **STRONGER **with following through on her decisions. If she has **DECIDED **that she will take a break and maintain a distance..........then she needs to do this no matter how much Hassan pouts like a baby. If she's that concerned about the effects of this friendship on her future married life..........then she needs to be stronger and stricter with both herself and Hassan. Like anything...that has become a habit or an addiction....you can't decide to change and then give in the minute you start feeling weak. If you're seriously serious about making changes in your life......then you gotta exert more will power in making the effort.

In the beginning, Hassan might pout, but eventually he'll get used to it. They'll see each other at work.....there's really no need to continue their conversations when they're both at home with their families. She needs to be firmer about not answering his every phone call at home. She doesn't have to eat lunch with him at work........she can change her plans.....come up with excuses. If she does this often enough.......he'll get the idea that she is SERIOUS. But if she keeps giving in to him.........even **HE **will be able to tell that she's not serious about maintaining a distance.

ALSO.........as I said earlier......something here doesn't seem right. I get the feeling that Hassan might be falling for Tina if he hasn't already....but perhaps he doesn't want to admit it. For a married guy to start crying and getting so emotional because his friend is not talking to him.........is strange. That time he spends talking to Tina and crying over her can be spent on his WIFE and CHILD. I don't think that Hassan would tolerate his own wife getting this close to and emotional over another guy. I do not comprehend why it is hard for HIM to understand that he's taking a risk by getting close to Tina and that eventually people might attach unsavory labels to their relationship. Even if his wife is okay with him talking to Tina right now..............in the near future she might NOT be okay with it. If his strong emotional attachment to Tina becomes apparent to his wife in the near future..........it could jeopardize his marriage. ** WHY IS HE NOT AS WORRIED ABOUT THIS AS TINA IS? BEING A MARRIED MAN, ESPECIALLY A DESI MARRIED MAN, WHY IS HE NOT AS CONCERNED ABOUT THE POTENTIAL NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES SUCH AN INTENSE RELATIONSHIP CAN HAVE ON HIS MARRIAGE AND TINA?????????

Does he not have male friends?** I'm surprised his wife is not suspicious yet. Crying over someone and becoming depressed is a rather strong reaction. I'm thinking he might be attracted to her............at least subconsciously.......if he's becoming so emotional. As far as Tina is concerned.............if she can't be firm with him and herself...............then either she just is not strong enough in setting boundaries........OR.........she too has a subsconscious crush on him. Just my two cents.

[DaffyDuck]

Something doesn't seem right in this picture.

Tina KNOWS what she needs to do but she's giving into temptation. Simple. She needs to be **STRONGER **with following through on her decisions. If she has **DECIDED **that she will take a break and maintain a distance..........then she needs to do this no matter how much Hassan pouts like a baby. If she's that concerned about the effects of this friendship on her future married life..........then she needs to be stronger and stricter with both herself and Hassan. Like anything...that has become a habit or an addiction....you can't decide to change and then give in the minute you start feeling weak. If you're seriously serious about making changes in your life......then you gotta exert more will power in making the effort.

In the beginning, Hassan might pout, but eventually he'll get used to it. They'll see each other at work.....there's really no need to continue their conversations when they're both at home with their families. She needs to be firmer about not answering his every phone call at home. She doesn't have to eat lunch with him at work........she can change her plans.....come up with excuses. If she does this often enough.......he'll get the idea that she is SERIOUS. But if she keeps giving in to him.........even **HE **will be able to tell that she's not serious about maintaining a distance.

ALSO.........as I said earlier......something here doesn't seem right. I get the feeling that Hassan might be falling for Tina if he hasn't already....but perhaps he doesn't want to admit it. For a married guy to start crying and getting so emotional because his friend is not talking to him.........is strange. That time he spends talking to Tina and crying over her can be spent on his WIFE and CHILD. I don't think that Hassan would tolerate his own wife getting this close to and emotional over another guy. I do not comprehend why it is hard for HIM to understand that he's taking a risk by getting close to Tina and that eventually people might attach unsavory labels to their relationship. Even if his wife is okay with him talking to Tina right now..............in the near future she might NOT be okay with it. If his strong emotional attachment to Tina becomes apparent to his wife in the near future..........it could jeopardize his marriage. ** WHY IS HE NOT AS WORRIED ABOUT THIS AS TINA IS? BEING A MARRIED MAN, ESPECIALLY A DESI MARRIED MAN, WHY IS HE NOT AS CONCERNED ABOUT THE POTENTIAL NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES SUCH AN INTENSE RELATIONSHIP CAN HAVE ON HIS MARRIAGE AND TINA?????????

Does he not have male friends?** I'm surprised his wife is not suspicious yet. Crying over someone and becoming depressed is a rather strong reaction. I'm thinking he might be attracted to her............at least subconsciously.......if he's becoming so emotional. As far as Tina is concerned.............if she can't be firm with him and herself...............then either she just is not strong enough in setting boundaries........OR.........she too has a subsconscious crush on him. Just my two cents.

Thank you RV for the prompt reply.

I think in their relation they are just too used to having each other around all the time. Their major worry before his marriage was whether or not his wife will be okay about it but since she is normal about it and knows that her husband is happy with his male or female friends she lets him have his space. Hassan gives his wife due time and loves and his baby a lot too. But he has been so used to this friendship of his that it is difficult for him to let go. They are just dependent on each other because of all the mutual topics they have. This is what i can gather from their relation because i know them in person and i know Hassan is satisfied with his wife. I also know that Tina is not the sort of person who would fall for a married guy. They have been close throughout which is why they are unable to let go off it suddenly. As for Hassan, his fears of his married life being effected by this are already gone as his wife is aware of his friends and they both are happy about it so he really does not get convinced or feel a reason to let his friendship be terminated. For a male, if he has no pressures from his parents, siblings or his wife, he would never have any sort of problem communicating or having a relation with any one. This is true for Hassan too. He is at peace about it as he from no where has any pressure.

On the other hand, Tina yet is not committed anywhere but she keeps thinking of the odds that maybe her husband or in laws will not be okay with it. Hassan tells her that when if ever she gets committed, they will try to establish a bond between Hassan & her husband but if incase he is not okay about it he will take a step back so that no issues arise. For now, he just tells her that you are not committed then why worry about it so much, we will handle when the time comes. He also says that when you are with your family i will not call or message you. Tina was telling me yesterday that even if he does not communicate with me while i am at home that may help out the balancing thing but there is still the guilt of hiding from the family. There is nothing wrong she is doing that is she does not have an affair or she does not love him or anything so there is nothing wrong with it but she says that my family even though are okay with me having a male friend may not be okay about me having a male friend with who i have some 12 hours communication.

At work they dont have lunch together or anything. They have more communication on phone or via the computer. When they are with their friends or family, they communicate less as per my knowledge because when she is with me i dont see her on the phone much so i assume they have some boundaries set with that.

[kakaballi]

Re: Disturbed friend

They should ask themselves a question:

"If the other person was of same gender as my own, would I be maintain the same level of communications (sms and calls) as I do now?"

If the answer is no, they might need to reconsider their relationship.

[Gaia]

This is a problem of a friend i know who seems to be upset every now and then and she told me her problem. I want you all to suggest some things i can advise her:

My friend, lets name her Tina, has a very close male married friend. Lets name him Hassan. They have been friends for about 2 years. They got along really well the moment they met and till now they have been best friends even after his marriage. His wife knows about it so there are no issues about this but Tina's family knows that she has a male friend. They dont know that they are so close that they discuss every personal thing related to their past life, their work place, their routine, their family life (of course not of his married life but general parents, siblings,cousins etc.) and just every other thing. At first when they became friends, people always linked them with each other but they never liked each other that way, Plus Hassan had a relation with another girl who he later got married to and now has a child as well. Liking or love or any sort of such thing has never entered their relation but when link ups were created by other people Tina got really upset and started taking steps back to avoid any issues but Hassan was so close to her that he always got extremely upset about the matter, they always fought over it and things got normal. Now after 2 years of their friendship, although they are very close but Tina always feels she needs some space by herself, for her family, for her life. They both work and have to officially be logged in the entire day due to work demands so they also always had communication over the internet and via the phone. Both of them always know where the other one is like we are with our family members we always know where they are what they are doing.

The problem is that after 2 years of friendship, Tina always thinks that she is very close to him which can be a lot of problem for her later married life and her present family life. No husband likes it if his wife is close to some other person and likewise parents are normally okay with being friends but they her parents are unaware that they have permanent contact and are always updated. Although, they are just purely friends, which i know as well because i know them personally that they are on purely friendship terms, Tina just finds it very difficult to manage her personal life with this friend of hers. She feels its just not okay when she has to respond to his messages or chat messages when she is at home or at work. It becomes difficult to do so. Whenever she mentions such a topic of taking a break, takign a step back, being careful about her relation with him as others may perceive them differently, or not discussing every personal thing ---- He somehow feels it and takes in a very negative way. he gets so emotionally disturbed and extremely sad that it becomes difficult for her to cope with distancing from him and coping with the communication level. But this debate keeps happening between them all the time. Hassan is so attached to her from a long time, he confides in her all the time. He became closer to her after marriage knowing that his wife was normal about this so he comfortably has kept the same relation going as is but Tina feels that it will be a problem for her future married life, her present family life. She too finds it very difficult to distance out from him specially when they are so used to discussing each and every thing with each other. Whenever she tries to hide things just for distancing reasons he seems to find them out himself. Tina is very emotionally disturbed and keeps having mood swings because her parents & siblings find it odd when she is messaging or chatting throughout and if she avoids then Hassan takes things differently.If she even suggests cutting off Hassan goes crazy & gives such reasonings that she cannot convince him on it and she drops the idea completely as she herself finds it difficult to detach from a friend she has been best friends from a long time. She is very confused. Please suggest some things for her to do.

Ohh myyy!!! whats is wrong with him?? He needs to go home to his wife, right away!!!

P.s I don't think the wife know's the reactions of her husband other wise she'd be really pissed!!

[redvelvet]

Daffy........Now you've got 2 (Gaia and myself) people telling you that Hassan's reaction to Tina is kind of strange. I mean he could try to understand the issue from Tina's point of view. As a desi girl......even the slightest misstep/mistake/carelessness can hinder rishta chances and ruin her reputation. Why can he not understand that? Of course he can't take all the blame because Tina should have done her part in not letting things reach such a platonic "intensity."

The more mature thing for Hassan to do would have been to tell Tina,** " I understand where you're coming from and I know how our soceity is harsher on women and how this might affect your future married life. We can still remain friends but I understand that we can limit the time we spend together so that others don't get any negative ideas. After all, I'm a married man....and you have yet to get married. And I don't want to do anything that will hurt either of us."** That's the MORE MATURE way to deal with things.

FRIENDS RESPECT EACH OTHERS' SPACE AND BOUNDARIES. If my friend needs space and distance and has made it known to me.........I respect that request and boundary. Hassan is not doing that. Tina never said that she wants to stop being his friend....she never said that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. She simply said that she wants a bit of distance so that they appear "NORMAL" to the outside world. And his reaction was rather strong.

The wife.........even when I read your post........I had my doubts about how much the wife knows. She know they're good friends......they work together......they know each other really well. But I DOUBT that the wife knows what a strong emotional reaction and attachment he has toward Tina......when she asked for some space. If the wife knew about it...........it could be a red flag for her. Put yourself in the wife's situation, Daffy. You might be okay if your husband has a female friend........but would you feel comfortable knowing that he would cry and get depressed because the friend has requested some breathing room and space???????? Wouldn't that make you feel uncomfortable that something doesn't seem right here.

It would not be easy for a married guy to admit that he is attracted to his friend (assuming that he is)................and it could be a subconscious attraction.......he may not be aware of it.

Think about this. Let's say that Tina gets married in the future. Naturally, she'll be so busy with her husband and the demands of marriage....that she may not be able to devote that much time to Hassan. What will he do then? Will he go mad? Become suicidal? And what if at that point he realizes he likes her? That would be a mess wouldn't it? Sometimes we don't realize our own deep subconscious feelings until much later. Is it healthy for him to have such a strong emotional attachment.....when he knows that she can get married in the future....thus limiting her time with him????

The fact that TINA herself wants to distance herself because she's afraid of the effects of this relationship on her married life is an indication that EVEN SHE knows that she's gotten in tooooooooooo deep. EVEN SHE knows that something is not right with their friendship...that it's too intense........otherwise she wouldn't have gotten scared and decided to take a break from him. Know what I mean? IF she felt that her friendship with Hassan was appropriate and normal.......(not intense)....she wouldn't feel the need to be so apprehensive now.

[Reha]

Re: Disturbed friend

I dont think the wife knows exactly how close they are.

I am sure Hassan has told Tina that wife knows but its not possible or normal for a married man to be so attached to a female friend and his personal life not suffer.

Tina has to be brave about this because its a matter of three peoples' lives here: Tina's, Hassan's and his wife's. She realizes her friendship with Hassan is unhealthy for her future and even now...then she has to limit it with or without him knowing about it.

Hassan needs to focus on his married life and Tina needs to get her own.

[zero_zero_seven]

Re: Disturbed friend

Nice attractive story for Life1 thread ---

In reality its almost impossible unless Hassan's wife must be abnormal or something

[gulab_jamun]

Re: Disturbed friend

Tina seems like she's uncomfortable with Hassan, and with good reason. I think she needs to cut the communication PERMANENTLY.

If Hassan actually cared about her, he should have understood, instead of becoming angry...KNOWING the cultural misconceptions that can arise and possibly damage Tina's reputation.

[Skittlez]

Re: Disturbed friend

This has trouble written all over it. She needs to cut him off and plug her ears whenever he comes to her with his sorry pathetic reasonings.

[Niksik]

Re: Disturbed friend

First of all, how selfish of Tina to become so close to him because everyone "thinks" his wife is OK with it. Now that it's her turn to become someone's wife all of a sudden she is thinking of the negative outcomes.

Secondly, whether he likes it or not, she needs to step back and so does he. He has a wife for god's sake and shouldn't be needing such close female friends. The entire relationship is unjustified and wrong.

[sadzzz]

Re: Disturbed friend

what is wrong with people? are they born selfish, brainless, heartless or is this like an acquired talent or something

he clearly hasnt told his wife about how close they are.... Tina hasnt met the wife.. if she was his good friend, wouldnt she want to be aquainted to his wife as well? come on...

let hassan's wife befreind a guy and see how it feels. Let Tina's hubby have such a close friend and see how her feelings go out of wack

pathetic

[athens_bride]

Let me offer the alternative point of view. My hubby has a very close female friend and I don't feel comfortable with it, not because I don't trust him, I don't trust her. I find it disrespectful of her that she does not seem to know any boundaries when it comes to him, pretty much ignoring me when the three of us are together, unless I make an extra effort to drag myself into the conversation.

If I was close friends with a man, and he got married, out of respect for his wife I would start to back away, or give a bit more space.

So, from his wife's point of view, start stepping back. Do it out of respect for her, she is supposed to be her hubby's best friend now. If you still want to see him, invite him/them around in a group setting with a gang of friends.

[kaun]

Re: Disturbed friend

everyone is saying the same thing and my response will be no different, your friend needs to cut off all communication with this friend of hers and let him have his emotional period, cuz if she doesnt i see a lot of problems in the near future. If she really wants to cut communication i dont think it should be a problem for her as she says there are no feelings involved other than friendship and the fact that they have gotten used to each other.

Goodluck to your friend.

[Barfii]

Re: Disturbed friend

*** Are anyone elses' alarm bells ringing? ***

Like someone else said earlier, this has trouble written all over it!!

Your friend was naieve and pathetic for not cutting off all ties as soon as he got married and Hassan is an even more pathetic individual for crying like a baby now that Tina has come to her senses and wants out!!

Hassan wife is having to share her Husband with Tina. If Hassan has a bad day or gets narked by someone at work, rather than going home and getting things off his chest and letting his wife make him feel better about things, Hassan will be telling all to Tina and she will be the one reassuring/comforting him when it should be his wife!

She needs to send this guy one last email and tell him to STEP BACK and LEAVE ME ALONE. Then she needs to change her number and get a new email address. Simple as. He will soon get the message. Sure, he will spit his dummy and get all needy and pathetic and plead with Tina to return his calls/emails but after a week or so, he'll realise she meant it this time... *BUT she HAS to stick to her guns and not contact him!!
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[PyariCgudia]

Re: Disturbed friend

That's way too close of a "friendship".

Weird.

[PhatBalongri]

Re: Disturbed friend

disturbed friend.. even more disturbing friendship!

The guy sounds like he has issues. We are all sad when good friends leave us cuz of job/marriage/school/etc but none of us cling to them like he does.

[sabi_13]

Something doesn't seem right in this picture.

Very Important things to be noticed:-

1 - ALSO.........as I said earlier......something here doesn't seem right. I get the feeling that Hassan might be falling for Tina if he hasn't already....but perhaps he doesn't want to admit it. For a married guy to start crying and getting so emotional because his friend is not talking to him.........is strange. That time he spends talking to Tina and crying over her can be spent on his WIFE and CHILD.?????

2 - I don't think that Hassan would tolerate his own wife getting this close to and emotional over another guy.??????

Very very well said... Totally agreed with redvelvet. and especially these 2 things are alarming! Hassan might already have fallen in love with Tina but as he's labelled as married, he's keeping the boundaries between them. But, if he's a sensible man he should stop talking to Tina and live his own happily married life.

I've become conservative about man and woman being friends... they endup being a couple! not all - but 90% Irritating truth.