Discussion: Bringing up a well mannered child

[DaffyDuck]

I’ve always wondered what should parents do to bring up a well groomed and well mannered child. Should you fulfill every thing the child says, how should you let him/her know whats right and wrong? Where do you draw a line between love & control? and many more questions come in my mind.

My bhateeji is now 3.5 years old. Till about 2.5 years of age she was this super well mannered kid. What ever in the world you ask her to do she will do it. She agreed to everything her mum and dad said, she did what any elder told. But then recently don’t know what got into her that she misbehaves, throws tantrums all the time, is so stubborn about what she wants that there is nothing that can distract her unless she gets it. At home, fine you can do something about it still but at someone else’s place it sometimes might become an embarassment. She gets the attention from her parents, us his chachus and phupo and all immediate relatives since she was the first born in our next generation. Now when my bhabi says no to something, she throws this loud fit in the entire house where you are left with no option but to succumb to whatever she wants.

She is just an example. Likewise, many of the kids in my in-laws are well mannered at certain times and beyond control at other times. Some of my friends kids are same.

I know there isnt anything wrong with their parenting styles as such since they do try their best to distinguish the kid from right to wrong. But it makes me wonder how should you instill manners in a kid that he/she grows to be an articulate personality.

What are your views? specific examples and scenarios would be best!

[chips6]

Re: Discussion: Bringing up a well mannered child

Parents should never fulfill everything the child says.Because that is just not possible.The child might want to play with a knife and you have to say no..!You have to say no to a lot of things or set limits on lots of things.

Regarding when to set limits,I think that starts when they are pretty young and begin to understand what we are saying or even implying by hand gestures.With every age their personalities and behavior change.And with that the way how to deal with them changes.I have a daughter who is 3 years and 3 months old.
I have always taken pride in the fact that she is a nice kid,she isn’t rowdy or destructive or messy when we are at home or at others…yet she is inquisitive and likes to touch and feel and explore new things.When she was younger I did not clean-sweep my house (except for removing hazardous things,so she knew not to touch them when she was told not to a few times.And that has enabled her not to throw out stuff from drawers or cabinets,esp when she was younger. (She loves to go through her closet though because she is always in search of something pretty to wear and then she needs matchy matchy socks etc…:D).

About the tantrums,I never had one of those public tantrums until a few very recently.One was at Walmart when she wanted a lollipop right there on the checkout counter.That is a total no-no,no candy is purchased at the check out counter…!!..I had a full blown screaming tantrum but I ignored it.I did what I had to do in the store (feeling embarrassed,but ignored her).She settled in a few minutes.Another one was at a dept.store where I was picking up some clothes for her …when I was done she had a few pieces in her hands and wanted those too.I told her to put them back,she did but then she screamed and cried all the way to checkout and out the store.We were to go to a park after that.I told her if she wanted to behave that way we can go home or she can be happy with the outfit she got and we can go to the park.She was ok in a few mins.

I have felt that she wants her choice and autonomy in everything and that has come with her age.I encourage her to make choices and make her feel important but I draw a line where she is not gonna get her way.Come a tantrum,she is politely told to go to her room and come back when she feels better.Sometimes she tells me ‘I am mad’…I try to talk to her why she feels that way.And last not least they are still easy to distract at this age too.
So far these were the only two public tantrums I had to deal with.There was another one where she wanted a toy,but I was accompanied by sister and she just took her out of the store while I did whatever I was there for.I think if I am ever to witness a bad tantrum again,and cannot ignore it,I will just walk out of the public place and try to do what has to be done by taking her to a side.

A few things I think never should be used…shouting/yelling,hitting,bribing (beta abhi chup ho jao,I will buy you a balloon),or scaring them ‘if you wont be quite I will lock you in the room’…stuff like this.At her age I feel it is easy for me to make her feel like she is a ‘big girl’ and how big girls behave…meaning it is relatively easy to reason with her (not always though..!).I I try to keep her involved in tiny chores around the house etc.
Also I feel sometimes she has defiant behavior esp when she is told something repeatedly so I try to refrain from that.
She is told to wait for something if she needs it and I am busy.She might not be too fond of it but it is what it is.She is made aware of rules and has to abide by them (like washing hands before meals).I tried to make these things like brushing teeth and washing hands etc fun initially,now they have become a habit.

All that being said,one of my worst fears being a parent is that what of my kid becomes an ill-mannered child…a child who does not listen to parents or know what right or wrong is.It scares me…a lot…!
I would love to read other parents’ input.

DD…Do you think anything has changed around your niece..??..A new sibling or baby around her?New school,new people,new situations etc…?Kids can start to act differently when things change around them,esp things in their comfort zones.

[Gemini_the_Great]

Re: Discussion: Bringing up a well mannered child

^ I need to memorize this!!

my child was okay in terms of listening to me but for past few weeks, it has been such an issue. The fact that his dad is away during the weekdays has contributed to his behavior so I am hoping it will get better once things settle down for us. Also, I think due to us being so inexperienced and not being around kids in our life, we kind of spoiled him a bit like he would give his dad hard time during meal time if I wasnt around and his dad started giving him a glass of water to distract him- he would play with water and eat his food.. initially we found that to be cute and were just happy to get the task of eating done but guess what now he needs the glass of water to play with whenever we eat food. I seriously need to start working on it but I am so afraid of tantrums that will follow that.

I used the time out but he picked up on that pretty quickly and would just go stand in the corner every time he did something naughty.. once again, initially we found that to be cute but now we know it doesnt work.. for him, time out has become a game because all it means is facing the wall and giggling while mommy isn’t looking. I seriously wish there was a manual about what to do when…

I am learning a lot from my experience and asking other mothers for advice like chipsy herself

[Lusi]

Re: Discussion: Bringing up a well mannered child

My son is not even 1 year old and he is throwing tantrums. However, I try to be pretty firm on things that are big no no… For example touching the pedestal fan, or standing in front of the tv, etc. he doesn’t like his jumper anymore, so I use that for his 30 sec timeout/distraction time or I would just make him sit in my lap and won’t let him go for couple mins. If he repeats the offense he is back in my lap. Some days he is in my lap literally 6-10 times before he gets it is not okay. When he throws tantrums, I try my best to keep my calms and wait for him to get over it. We have an hard time when it comes feeding solids time. It is a slow process but it needs consistency. No matter what and how he eats, I am trying to get him in the habit of coming to the table at those times. I don’t have any junk food at home and I don’t plan on filling my pantry with junk food.

Bringing up well mannered children is a process, it requires time and consistency. As children grow up, they learn new things, they try testing limits to see your response and reaction.

[somegroovychick]

Re: Discussion: Bringing up a well mannered child

they’re kids! 3.5 isn’t 15. you can’t expect her to listen to you ALL the time and be well-behaved ALL the time. she’s a human being, and sometimes, she’s going to be naughty and act out. i think parents need to be more realistic and laid back about certain things. there is no exam you need to pass and you are NOT a failure as a parent if you don’t have a “perfect” child. it’s OK if they throw a tantrum sometimes- they’re hungry, angry, frustrated, sleepy, bored, tired- it could be for a million reasons. as the adult, you need to figure out what the deal is and make it better. that is your job as a parent, and if you are not the parent, try to be understanding and accommodating as an aunt, uncle, family friend, neighbour, casual observer, passerby, whoever. there IS a difference between a child and an adult, after all, and its not the end of the world if they happen to share a not-so-positive piece of their personality with you sometimes! there seems to be such low tolerance for children these days, i swear. it’s like if they’re not perfectly well-mannered all of the time, then they’re awful human beings. i refuse to be embarrassed or ashamed if my child acts out in public, which he does on occasion. this does not mean that i don’t try to calm him down or distract him, but he’s only 2. he has limited reasoning skills and if he’s acting out, frankly, its probably because i pushed him and that wasn’t fair. i admit that and i correct it. and sometimes, you just need to sit in the middle of the supermarket aisle and calm him down, and do your groceries the next day. not the end of the world if you’re having cereal for dinner, is it?