Discipline.........

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Ok bear with me..

Ever since i was younger my parents have been firm in discipline but some parts now when i look back I think what were they thinking.

Espacially when it came to accepting blame. For example if the next door neighbour came and said i saw your kid throw a ball into our window. My parents would say “oh we are sorry, We’ll take care of it” When the neigbour would leave I would say “but i didn’t do it” and they will say “yes we know” but there is no point arguing.

This pattern remained the same and I got blamed for bigger and better things when I would tell my parents. They would say “do u expect us to argue/fight over it with someone who has just visited our house.” Meaning we cannot insult someone who is a visitor to this house.

So when similar things occurred when we visited peoples houses “my parents would say do u expect us to start an argument in this other persons house”

Therefore I became an easier target for family friends, family etc, because they knew my parents would accept the blame.

Throughout my life I felt cheated, coz sometimes when I had my parents as witnesses they would not stand up for me. There excuse was you should always diffuse the situation not argue etc

I look back and I see how this has and is still damaging me. But now I think maybe this is the norm.

Any comments.

2

Re: Discipline.........

Just move on.

parents, while they act out of love and try to do the best htey can, are not perfect. Though their intentions may have been in teh right place, and I see their point about it being better to diffuse a situation, its resulted in you becoming an easy target as you say.

They had their own reasons for handling a situation the way they did, but now you are an adult, a grown woman. You have had your own experiences and understanding of the world and people and you should be able to handle things the way you feel is the best.

It sounds like letting go and not arguing is done out of habit now rather than truly wanting to diffiuse the situation--in that case, it's hard to change an old habit--but its possible.

3

Some parents are more like the peace-makers, Zash. They prefer to keep the peace between family members and friends....because they feel that conflict will further lead to gossip....and hurt their reputations....and possibly hinder rishta prospects for their daughters. The desi community can be pretty vicious...even when things are "even"....some individuals feel the need to go into the community and defame others. Also, your parents might not want to stoop to the other person's level. But I agree with you, parents sometimes need to stand up for their children and put others in their place. They have to pick and choose their battles. And sometimes a little battle is necessary.

You need to have a discussion about this with your parents. Calmly tell them how it hurts you. And explain to them that being weak all the time gives others the impression that they can cross their boundaries with you. And if they don't get it....let it go....and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, woman! Hon, your parents are not going to be around forever.....then who are you going to depend on to stand up for you? Some husbands don't even stand up for their wives. Some "friends" don't stand up for their friends. In the end, YOU STAND UP FOR YOU! BECAUSE YOU ARE YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY! **Pity the ones who pick on you...they do it cuz they're insecure and miserable. And they will **also pick on people whose parents are more aggressive. So stand up for yourself.

  • Relying on mom and dad to defend you all the time can make on look weaker...especially if one is already an adult. So....take control, Zash.
4

Re: Discipline.........

here's a strategy. When someone says something rude to you....raise your eyebrows and quietly stare at that person with a smug and arrogant smile....and then shake your head in disapproval and walk away. Don't say anything....but just smile at them as if you pity them....as if they are some pathetic child who has made an abominable blunder. This strategy is infuriating and powerful....really grates on the offender's nerves and makes them feel uncomfortable and....as if they've farted or something.

Timepass - February
5

Re: Discipline.........

.

6

Re: Discipline.........

aye haye.. dont u hate that! but i think the whole devilish smile and raised eyebrow will work wonders (good one redvelvet)! it makes the other person realize that theyre a complete fool! plus not saying anything back makes a tonnnnn of difference.. they usually end up paying for the lie themselves in some way or the other!

7

Re: Discipline.........

Zash, I think my parents went to the same school of parenting as yours! Actually they went a step further and i usually ended up with a slap, no questions asked. FINALLY when we were all grown up they realised that their method of accepting other people's accusations was WRONG.

I don't know what they were thinking, why they chose to do it, but it made me realise that I am NOT going to do that and I always assess situations objectively.

Just realise that you are now an adult and you can stand up for yourself and assess things differently from how your parents did. Can't change the past, your parents just thought they were doing right by everyone, they couldn't see how it affected you.

8

Re: Discipline.........

What an emotional rant! I reckon you are some overseas born more-aware-than-a-desi-should-be child for making such a huge deal out of it. Being emotionally shattered and damaged, feeling ill treated and scarred, and calling child support suits them white kids, not us desis. I used to get chit beat out of me for stuff I had not done, and at times I got away with some serious mess ups that I did/caused. This typical desi bringing up makes the children emotionally (and physically) strong. I will raise mine the same way.

9

You wanna know something? I've talked to kids **born and raised and who reside **in the most smallest and conservative of cities in Pakistan.....and they tell me how much it hurts them when they are unnecessarily cursed at by their parents, how it shatters their confidence to be constantly picked-apart and compared, and how embarrassing it is when their parents don't stand up for them when they've been blamed for things they didn't do. I've heard true stories of kids born and raised in Pakistan who later cut of ties with parents because they couldn't handle the abuse. And now if you're thinking that these people were all female, you're wrong. It's a mix of male and female.

Over there, the culture is conservative in the sense that one doesn't complain about their parents so openly as they do in the west. But the people who made this complaint are those whom I had a close enough relationship with. Desi or non-desi.....even Islam does not condone extreme behavior in parenting. YOU **might be better able to handle a tougher upbringing. That doesn't mean that everyone else will tolerate it as well. We're individuals, we process things differently. And even in Pakistan, there is gradual development of more awareness of the psychological impacts of parental behavior on their children. In fact, there is a Pakistani program called **Paalna in which one learns about self-esteem of children and how it is strongly connected to parenting.

And the poster hasn't called child services. She's been through a lot. We're trying to encourage her to stand up for herself now.....her parents' ways (though not the best) might be too-fixed.

10

If you think no desi kids are ill-treated and abused, you are seriously mistaken.

The type of upbringing you're talking about--it can go in both ways, it can make someone stronger or break them.

11

u n me think alike on such matters :smiley:

right on!! :k: and YES it ALWAYS works :biggthumb:

12

Re: Discipline.........

RV - I am not sure which and how many kids you have interviewed. It is very natural for desi parents to yell at and hit their children and a clear majority turns out fine. I have seen that happening around me a lot when I was growing up. We compared notes, and our stories weren't very different. My childhood mate called his dad 'hitler' because he would get chit beat out of him for every little mess up, and trust me he never got emotionally shattered or scarred. And trust me, we all love and respect our parents and laugh at those little bashings we got from them.

This whole encouragement and helping them stand up is typical western mentality at work. I am not sure which one of the many west funded development programs you are talking about. Everything has its pros and cons, but dont get me started on these programs.

"She's been through a lot"? where did you come up with that? Perhaps you could read her post again. I dont see anything so gravely serious about her situation, that is an average desi child's story. Sometimes our undue encouragement makes people victims.

13

Re: Discipline.........

I'm not talking about west-funded programs, Janwar. I'm talking about plain common sense. Is there always a guarantee that someone is going to turn out "just fine"? No, there isn't. Keeping this in mind, parents should be more careful. Are there OTHER **ways to handle situations besides bringing someone down/beating? Yes, there are. Is it a good thing to call your dad Hitler behind his back? Does the dad **have to behave like Hitler and earn himself such a reputation? There is a limit to things. Even Islam encourages mercy and gentleness. As the hadith states, "Those who don't show mercy will not be shown mercy."

She's been through a lot, because i've read her other posts. You're basing your assumptions only on this post. I agree that sometimes it's best to let go of conflicts.....and parents do this to protect family reputation or to not stoop to the other person's level. BUT.....sometimes one does have to stand up for their child. Too much of anything is not good. Too much of laad pyaar is not good. Too much of praising your kids is not good. There should be a healthy balance. At the same time.......to much one extreme or the other (passive behavior OR aggressive...let me bit the chit of you behavior) is not healthy either.

14

Re: Discipline…

You know what is worse than getting hit, it is the eyes my mum gives me, when she ‘ghoors’ at me; you know you have definitely done something wrong then:bummer:

15

Re: Discipline.........

^ you can try and reduce frequency of ghooris :P

16

Re: Discipline.........

When your mom ghoors at you....raise your eyebrows repeatedly up-and-down in that cheesy way and flash an even cheesier grin. It might diffuse her anger, lol.

17

Re: Discipline…

Frequency fluctuates. Have no control over it :bummer:

Moms 2012- 2013
18

Re: Discipline…

RV:rotfl: I make the situation worse by laughing. Then the ‘ghoor’ gets more intense and I feel as if I have to move. Fast!

Ulta likha ya seedha, Dard phir dard raha
19

You need to move on. No use thinking about it much except how to use this experience to raise your kids in a better way.

20

That was so wrong. I know and can understand that. They did very bad to you. See it did so much impact to you even you are asking after many years. Sometime ppl do things and it ipacts on our whole life.

Yes I can understand it very well. As I have been throuth this situation. Some ppl who are very good and quiet and simle aka fool beome easy target for bad wisher and if your parents don't listen and rescue you that becomes wrost.

As I was totally not that type of person ppl accused me of things which I couldn't do even in my dreams. I sabar on all accusations never said a single thing but it still hurts when I think about those liars but what I do pray for them and ask forgiveness from Allah for them.

When you become incompatible with someones kids they become jealous so they use those tactics to let you down. But you know what Jissay Allah izzat day ussay kon neecha dikha sakta hai.

You must be incompatible for those ppls kids and quiet and nice person. I mean way lot better than their kids.

As no one's kid was compatible with me even in relatives by looks and education and results (education). So yeah that was the thing so I knew as I use to tell my mom why do you compare me to those you can't even come close to me. Funny thing is my parents and especially mom use to give example of those who were incompatible with me lol. I use to fight back and tell how could you say that to me. If you want to give me example who are at least better than me in one thing. You know but nothing stops her.

Then I started to say what bad things they use to do which my mom didn't like. I use to ask do you want to follow him/her then I would follow everything what he/she does. lol That was the only way to keep her quiet for few day.

I knew that I was way more genius then them.

So what your parents did was so wront. So very wrong. They have at least told them politely that my buchcha couldn't do that I know my buchcha.

You won't believe 3 days ago I went through that situation. One of my sibling was saying thigs about one of my family member over the phone and I was on speaker phone and the person he/she was saying about the person was listening and start crying. And he/she was comparing that person to a dumb person so incompatable and when he/she said he might about keep your family member as assitant. That was so very wrong. To not to argue I said what he/she wanted to listen to end the conversation. He was compraing me and my family member to my other sibling who are so incopatible with me. He/she knows that very well too.

Later I told my family member that don't cry and he/she said you were saying what he/she said. I said I know you very well. I know whom he/she comparing with so very incopatible to you so don't worry. Let ppl say what they want to say. It won't affect you neither would make genius to those who are incompatible to you.

I have taught all my family members and siblings kids. Who would know better than me. Which one is best.

He/she might be taking anger out in different way. As I don't contact him/her.

So don't worry be happy. If you are good no one make you bad. Parents can do mistakes too. You don't do that when you become parent. Always take your kids side when they don't do anything wrong. When not sure then use the way that won't hurt your kid.

Timepass - February