As a kid, this ‘time-slips-away-like-sand’ thing didn’t quite appear meaningful to me and I spent those precious years in my own reverie. I loved being called “Alice in Wonderland” and had minimal connection or acknowledgement with/ for the real world.. My life went by just like that - I did nothing great except for a few academic awards here and there nor did I know what was coming next. I have been like an amateur put in a boat to sail aimlessly depending on the tide’s mood. When I turn back, I see my life being rushing in a fast forwarded manner until it stops at the point I got married and it begins to play normally..
It seems surprising to me how one day my parents made me realize I’m now grown up and must settle down soon. Being the obedient girl, I submitted myself to their will., not wholeheartedly though..I still hadn’t gotten over my ex but knew whatever they’d do would be for my betterment..I kept counting down, “4 month left, you’ll start loving him…2 months, everythin will be fine, 15 days , sab theek ho jayega”..and finally the D day arrived. As opposed to what I had anticipated, everything happened according to my will (which is not the case with the girls of our family) even my nikah was performed by the great Ayatollah Seestani’s only Indian representative. But then some things started going awry and I felt unhappy from within --to begin with my beautician had gone crazy cos we were running late as per our schedule and my very possessive best friend had already quaralled with her, my cousin said I looked more aged, like the innocence of my face was covered in those layers of make up and I dreaded to learn how bad I was looking on my main day..then there was all smoke at our venue because of the sizzler items being prepared nearby (our organizer’s uncle had departed so he wasn’t there to manage things well)
And if all these things weren’t bad enough, I felt some tension brewing in between both the families even though my MIL is my phupi , her younger sister, daughter and brother (my dad’s sis, bro n neice as well) left no stone unturned in mentally torturing my parents with trifle issues like they were not well received at the entrance etc…But I didn’t come to know the details at that time but now when I have returned home after nicely n peacefully staying with the in laws (even they did not complain anythin to me but are on a cold war with my parents I know) They were all good and kind towards me and I hardly came to know of the serious drama that took place after my bidaai where the main draamebaz was my chacha..I dont understand this - if they’re so unhappy about my parents, my relatives then why are they so loving and caring towards me? I wonder if it’s some kind of a trick to make me win their hearts so that they can pit me against my people…Anyhow I have stopped my parents from confronting them in the near future, I feel like I should be just focusin on my new life..Whatever happened as happened, it cannot be undone so no use making things like a chewing gum but I know my parents are heartbroken as well…Pata nahi how to assure them I’m gonna live peacefully there!
Then there’s this Ex issue..He called me out of nowhere some 2 days after my wedding and asked if I really got married; he just didn’t seem to believe it, kept sayin tum jhoot bol rahi ho..it disturbed me as hell. First of all I hated myself for picking up his call but when his thoughts/ nostalgia began disturbing me even when I was in my hubby’s arms, I began losing respect for myself! But when he felt my tears, he consoled me like anythin coz I lied I was missin my parents n best friend; I marveled at the way he cajoled me, tried to make me feel comfy and even called up my best friend around midnight n requested her to speak to me..there were many more things that made me respect him even more…unlike before when I thought he’s not half good lookin or friendly as me- now I feel like his flaws don’t exist for me anymore!
But there’s still one prob --I haven’t consummated my marriage out of fear..He’s very understanding when it comes to all that and his sensibility is what makes me fume over my own juvenile behavior..I don’t know how to mentally prepare myself for all that..I dont like turning him down every night but cannot muster the courage to abide by his wish as well!!!
Any piece of advice that can grant me peace?