Dilemma to divorce or stay in marriage

[pelicanbay]

I am currently separated from my wife and we are trying to reconcile but I do not think we have a chance for the marriage to work. We had issues before the marriage but we still went ahead and got married. We have been separated for almost a year. I had my personal issues prior to the marriage as did she and despite listening to others around us, we both decided to go ahead with the marriage.

Fast forward to now, everyone around us, both on her and my side, people are telling us to divorce. We have discussed in depth about our issues, and we decided to possibly get back but I know she and I both have qualms and hesitation. I think we are fooling ourselves as we had a toxic marriage and as stated has issues prior to it, during and even during our separation we fought when discussing to possibly reconcile.

At the end of the day, we both do care and love each other but we know deep down we probably aren't right for each other as we have different goals.

I think both of our reasons for staying together is we may not find another partner but also because we love each other deep down. However, as stated before we do have different goals and this is why we're both confused. We have tried counseling and they advised us to separate as our sessions became quite heated.

I know it is best if I leave her but I personally don't want to because I have fear if I will ever find someone else. I have a lot of issues that I am working on but my biggest ones are my overall health and reputation. That is not fair to her but because she is also willing to stay because she has some personal issues as well which I don't want to divulge, she is staying out of convenience and not having to possibly go through finding someone else with her own "baggage".

I know the logical thing is to leave, and if Allah and if fate guides me to another spouse, great and if not, I rather be happy than ruin both of our lives. My heart is torn, some days it wants me to stay and fight it out, but some days it agrees with my mind and tells me to leave and be happy with life, and if a new partner were to come into my life, great, and if not, so be it.

I have confidence in myself that I will be able to correct some of my issues and possibly find someone else. But just the sheer thought of it is overwhelming. I don't want to continue wasting her time or mine.

What should I do?

[The_Last_Straw]

@""pelicanbay""

she is staying out of convenience and not having to possibly go through finding someone else with her own “baggage”.

^It’s not only her. The above applies to you as well. You are also staying out of convenience.

Anyhow, how have your recent attempts at reconciliation gone? Have you both spent some time together? If so, how did that go? Have you both been able to agree on some mutual compromises for this reconciliation?

[decentGuy]

Sorry to hear what you guys are going through. It seems both of you have received some very good advice so far. Separation was quite a good step rather than having directly jumped to divorce in my limited understanding. I think your fear of not being able to find someone else after divorce and being able to reset your life is quite legit. There is just not enough time or energy to rebuild a family from scratch for most of us. I think love is far less important than the goals of both husband and wife complementing each other for a lasting marriage. Since you guys have different goals and you guys have spent nearly a year in separation already as well, I think it is wise for you to start at least looking for a new woman. And even consider telling your wife about it. Most probably your wife will appreciate it because it will demonstrate that you are mentally preparing to move on and ending it all will be easier. But do check local laws as divorce lawyers can rip you off later for dating while separated in some jurisdictions.

You mentioned that people on both sides are suggesting that you two divorce. I would only pay attention to opinions of those people who have a proven track record of sincerity toward you. I have seen friends, neighbors and relatives suggesting divorce just because it seemed cool and trendy. And once the divorce happened, they ostracized the divorced individual from their social circle by making one excuse or another.

There is a movie quote that I love: “Once upon a time two mice fell into a bucket of cream. One of them quickly gave up and drowned while the other one struggled so hard that he turned that milk into butter”. Looks like you are already in a situation that you never wanted to be in. First thing you should work on is your health so you can execute the plans to get out of this situation, and then execute those plans diligently. I hope things work out b/w both of you but be prepared if they don’t.

[Exoduss]

@""pelicanbay""

I am currently separated from my wife and we are trying to reconcile but I do not think we have a chance for the marriage to work. We had issues before the marriage but we still went ahead and got married. We have been separated for almost a year. I had my personal issues prior to the marriage as did she and despite listening to others around us, we both decided to go ahead with the marriage.

Fast forward to now, everyone around us, both on her and my side, people are telling us to divorce. We have discussed in depth about our issues, and we decided to possibly get back but I know she and I both have qualms and hesitation. I think we are fooling ourselves as we had a toxic marriage and as stated has issues prior to it, during and even during our separation we fought when discussing to possibly reconcile.

At the end of the day, we both do care and love each other but we know deep down we probably aren’t right for each other as we have different goals.

I think both of our reasons for staying together is we may not find another partner but also because we love each other deep down. However, as stated before we do have different goals and this is why we’re both confused. We have tried counseling and they advised us to separate as our sessions became quite heated.

I know it is best if I leave her but I personally don’t want to because I have fear if I will ever find someone else. I have a lot of issues that I am working on but my biggest ones are my overall health and reputation. That is not fair to her but because she is also willing to stay because she has some personal issues as well which I don’t want to divulge, she is staying out of convenience and not having to possibly go through finding someone else with her own “baggage”.

I know the logical thing is to leave, and if Allah and if fate guides me to another spouse, great and if not, I rather be happy than ruin both of our lives. My heart is torn, some days it wants me to stay and fight it out, but some days it agrees with my mind and tells me to leave and be happy with life, and if a new partner were to come into my life, great, and if not, so be it.

I have confidence in myself that I will be able to correct some of my issues and possibly find someone else. But just the sheer thought of it is overwhelming. I don’t want to continue wasting her time or mine.

What should I do?

If you two wanted to quit it obviously wouldn’t have taken a whole year for you all to be still wondering if to leave or not. Fact is you two need to sit down, keep your ego’s aside and decide which way to lean on to

[ajazali]

@""pelicanbay""

I am currently separated from my wife and we are trying to reconcile but I do not think we have a chance for the marriage to work. We had issues before the marriage but we still went ahead and got married. We have been separated for almost a year. I had my personal issues prior to the marriage as did she and despite listening to others around us, we both decided to go ahead with the marriage.

Fast forward to now, everyone around us, both on her and my side, people are telling us to divorce. We have discussed in depth about our issues, and we decided to possibly get back but I know she and I both have qualms and hesitation. I think we are fooling ourselves as we had a toxic marriage and as stated has issues prior to it, during and even during our separation we fought when discussing to possibly reconcile.

At the end of the day, we both do care and love each other but we know deep down we probably aren’t right for each other as we have different goals.

I think both of our reasons for staying together is we may not find another partner but also because we love each other deep down. However, as stated before we do have different goals and this is why we’re both confused. We have tried counseling and they advised us to separate as our sessions became quite heated.

I know it is best if I leave her but I personally don’t want to because I have fear if I will ever find someone else. I have a lot of issues that I am working on but my biggest ones are my overall health and reputation. That is not fair to her but because she is also willing to stay because she has some personal issues as well which I don’t want to divulge, she is staying out of convenience and not having to possibly go through finding someone else with her own “baggage”.

I know the logical thing is to leave, and if Allah and if fate guides me to another spouse, great and if not, I rather be happy than ruin both of our lives. My heart is torn, some days it wants me to stay and fight it out, but some days it agrees with my mind and tells me to leave and be happy with life, and if a new partner were to come into my life, great, and if not, so be it.

I have confidence in myself that I will be able to correct some of my issues and possibly find someone else. But just the sheer thought of it is overwhelming. I don’t want to continue wasting her time or mine.

What should I do?

I am not sure if your situation is really that bad that you must divorce. First thing to note is, there is no such thing as ideal-partner. To me it seems a counseling case where you both need to learn how to handle differences. As you both are afraid of not getting another partner, you should give counseling a try.